incorporating responsibility into my lifestyle

I FEEL GOOD.

shit, it's nice to say that. I like saying that, but not as much as I like meaning it. 

I went to my first session of therapy. I didn't know how to feel about it. I told Angel that I was just going to go to fuck with the therapist. To mess with her and see her reaction to certain things.

Little did I know, that I'd actually LIKE her.

She gave me the right reactions.
I told her that I use words at my disposable and that I had a strong resentment toward therapy. She said that she could kind of tell from my answers to other questions and that she doesn't like talk therapy either. She said that I needed something more hostile. She suggested art therapy. She said it would really work. And meditation.

And SHE'S AN AQUARIUS!!
AND her favorite band is THE BEATLES!
AND! she was at the Paul McCartney Concert !!!!!!!

I was like....what? I expected you to be boring and old and wanting to mold me into something. And she's like no..we'll just make you responsible, that's all.

i'm excited for this change to happen. for growth. 

consistency is the last refuge for the unimaginative.

you got that right oscar wilde. you got that right. 

I'M ON THE MOVE! :D

also this:

 

also:

RESPONSIBILITIES:

1. JOB. 

2. SCHOOL

3. DRIVE

4. LEARN HOW TO REPAIR STUFF FROM MY DAD

5. LEARN HOW TO ALTER CLOTHING

I'm writing again. I think I'm going to enter a contest. I feel like writing. I FEEL it. I love when this overwhelming yearning for expression spreads throughout my body, throughout me. 

did you know half of the perks of being a wallflower was written in one sitting? i think stephen knows what i'm talking about. 

anyway, peace out. time to get intimate with paper. 

 

consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative

take your time.

i am out of whack

I woke up at 4AM. I made myself a sandwich because I forgot to eat yesterday. 

what is rest?

my dad says I live in a fantasy world

a part of me thinks he wishes he did too.

he always tells me "look at the reality".

goodnight.

"I feel quite chipper"

I love not knowing what I'm getting myself into and finding out that I'm going to have to get partially nude to get my measurements taken for a role as a zombie in a psychological horror film. My friend Alex is in charge of all this. I'm proud of him, but at the same time, I can't take him seriously with his little desk lol. He made me sign contracts lmfao.
Throughout the whole photo shoot/measurement, I was repeatably told "I can do whatever I am most comfortable with".
What a weird thing to say.  What are you putting into question? How comfortable I am with my body? How comfortable I am with you touching me?
Pretty fucking comfortable. Let's be logical.  It's like, I know we're not about to get intimate. And the human body isn't anything to be ashamed/shy about.

Anyway, it was kind of fun getting partially naked for strangers. I don't know why, but it is. I guess it's because it's something that seems so wrong because of what someone else has probably told you, but it really isn't.

Doing this whole thing reminded me of writing camp. My teacher would always say "the answer is always yes". Should my essay...?? Do you want us to...? Do you think I should...?. The answer is always yes. A lot of good pieces came from that. *sigh. I want to go to another writing camp. I guess I should just major an English. It'd be like writing camp every day. Anyway, my new goal in life is to start saying yes to things more often. 

I spent the whole night playing a remixed version of Dungeons and dragons with Chaz and his friends and the friends of his friends. My character was Paul  McCartney's BASS. My cliche's were the ability to summon John/George at any time, to overwhelm someone with emotion, paul mccartney's signature (for the money), and the British invasion (screaming obsessed fans). It was AWESOME. This one dude was an alcoholic philosopher. The setting was us being late for work, and he was all like "what does it even mean to be late?" Lmfao. It was pretty much us telling stories and rolling dices and the dices determined wherever the story went. We drank liquor in beatles cups. I had the rubber soul album. I decided I liked this crowd.

The snow is lovely. It was twinkling. It reminded me of the stars. and fluff. and cloud. and refreshing water. I could feel the cold air in my lungs.
I fucking love belmont and clark. I love the people. It's weird to think that someone right now is having the best time of their life. Belmont and clark sort of makes me feel like the best time would happen there. Even at 2 AM, there are people roaming around, enjoying themselves. 
The snow is covered in footprints. When I was walking down western, mine were the only one.

I can't wait to experience Chicago as an adult. To really do all the things I've wanted to but never could. My dad is hella lenient now. It's rad. As long as I'm going to school, he doesn't care what time I come home or where I am going.  I have experienced so much because of this. YAY.

I think I might be a bit selfish. I'm working on it.

Kevin called me but I never called him back.

I have no time. I've been busy. It's surprising how well-liked I am. I wonder how Crystal is doing. I wish she wasn't so....self-centered. I wish we could be friends. I wish people saw what I saw in her. I wish she trusted me more. She's so afraid of judgement.

 Tomorrow,  I want to be alone.




 

something that has impressed me

My friend proposed.
My friend is a girl.
He said yes. 


~end of dramatic writing.

i accept ride from strangers aaaalllllllll the time

I crave danger. Lmfao. Looking ass. Nah, I'm just lazy and whatever else.
I got a ride from an assistant principle and a principle. It was funny.

Principle: "Now, don't you go doing this with other people. We can because we're teachers"
Me: "You guys had nice faces so I knew I'd be ok"
Assistant Principle: "Maybe her, not me. I'm getting plastic surgery soon"
lmfao.

I spent my night with Jose.
It's weird that guys expect things from you if you accept something. It's annoying. But even so, it doesn't mean you have to give anything  to them.
We watched brave heart. We kept narrating it. It was fucking hilarious. Especially because Mel Gibson is in it. I mean, what the fuck? Lmfao. *narrator voice* MEL GIBSON IN BRAVE HEART.

After that, I listened to music for about 4 hours straight, I think. Probably more.

I craved kissing her last night. Weird. I know that I love her. But I don't want anything from her except her kisses and her company. That's all. I mean that.

 "Why can't you just say it? I'd like to hear you say it"

I craved aaron. Ten days is a beautiful song. I want more than just his kisses and his company though. Funny.  

 Jose says that his abstract thought of panda is her rolling up a blunt. I thought that was the funniest thing ever. Haha. 


Today I have to do something for my friend and his filming and see chaz (!!) and go to andrews party. let's see how this goes.



and for a minute there, i lost myself.