it's happening

 

slowly we unfold, as lotus flowers

three bad photos make one good photo

I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,
Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?
These sensations barely interest me for another day,
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away.

It's getting faster, moving faster now, it's getting out of hand,
On the tenth floor, down the back stairs, it's a no man's land,
Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now,
I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow.

What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again,
I'm watching you, I'm watching her, I'll take no pity from you friends,
Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know,
I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling,
I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling,
Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling.

I LOVE joy division.



golden nugget soup..mmmmmmmmm

I love how meaning is derived from simply stating moments.


Once on a yellow peice of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and thats what it was all about
his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts.
that was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny nails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed alot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it

once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kithcen door
beause of the new paint
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometime they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see santa claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
and thats what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostles's Creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much make up
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
becuase it was the thing to do
and at 3 am he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A



why do I feel like the poem should end here?
it feels so much better to me.
 
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen----

so happy to see toby

that little thing. he just wants love love love.
and i'm just like OK. as long as you give it back.

tattoos

"says the guy with the tribal tattoo"
"my tattoo is cool, alright?"
"I'm sorry, what tribe are you from again?"

lmfao. i love it's always sunny in philadelphia. i think it's my favorite show ever.

i'm getting a tattoo may 22, 2013.


P.S GRAMMAR JOKE

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Grmmar
grammar who?
grammar nothing

but really:

Knock knock
whos there?
who
who who?
who whom?


how do I still manage to love this album as if it were the first time I were listening to it?
You're brilliant Tom Yorke. You and the rest of your crew. You got it going on. Lol. Yes that was the best way I could think of to express that.

^-^

aumi has a very warm toliet. i dont know how it manages to stay so warm, but it does lol.

yesterday was probably the best day of my life.

just kidding. well maybe. it might be one day.

all i know is ive laughed so much.

hello conrad

I like this title. I like when words can mean more than one thing. Probably why I'm such a big fan of puns. Both the lame and good kind.

Anyway, welcome to my twisted world of documented observation and whirling thoughts. 

I wish it came with cookies.

P.S you are the person full of angst that I'm talking about in one of my posts. That's how I see you. Maybe I'm wrong. Convince me.
I like you being angsty though. You remind me of a mixture between Joe Meno and Bukowski.  

I AM SO AWAKE. WHAT THE EFFFFFFFFFFFFF
*hair swoosh*

I AM GOING TO SKATE TODAY.
AND SMOKE
AND MAKE ARTS AND CRAFTS
AND SOAK UP THE FEW OF THE VITAMIN C COMIN AT MEEEEEE
AND HANG OUT WITH AUMI, WHOM I LOVE.

I AM HAPPEH.

P.S
lmfao
see you tomorrow...
bring your hoop.

is it weird that i'm still not jealous? even though now I know.
i guess it's because i'm not impressed. or not intimidated
maybe both. i don't know. whatever.

my abstract thought is tiny dogs barking and fish.
i'm also not feeling possessive.
it's nice.

we accept the love we think we deserve

I'm waiting a week to see if I still feel the same. For the first time in a while, I'm actually really thinking something through and not acting on impulse. I don't think I love Aaron. I don't even think I like him anymore. Which is strange, but so is life, so just let me and life be strange okay? I can't help what I feel.

It came as a flood of relaxation.

If this is love, then it's not the kind I want. I'm just so sick of it.

I just feel brand new. And I want good things. Not this worrying about something else bullshit. Life is too short. I know I'm going to find someone who is going to make me even happier then Aaron can make me and I know the same applies for him. And that's AWESOME.
No pang of jealousy runs through me. I guess maybe because this is an abstract thought and isn't really happening, but the thought used to drive me insane before, and now I'm just like OK. Cool, glad you could do it, cause I sure as hell couldn't hahaha.
He has served his purpose and it was fun and now it's time to give way to new expierences and new people and a new kind of happiness.
I guess we can be friends. I don't know if I will make the effort to see him. I don't want to.

Things that have made me okay with this:
The comforting truth of TIME and POSSIBILITIES.
Aaron is an asshole.
I'm not an asshole.
our love is on the surface. aaron only loves me when i'm okay and happy and awesome but he can't love me when i'm fustrated or insecure or sad. fuck that.
he never ever apologizes. just once. and he was stoned.
I like the fact that he tells me the truth, but I don't want that to be the truth. What i mean is, I know someone else will be just as honest but it'll be something I want to hear for once.
it's annoying to have to think about this.

Aaron, you're great. I know you are. I invested my heart in that greatness.
But that doesn't mean anything anymore. And it's strange that I can acknowledge how great you are and still not care about you.  Maybe it's because I'm annoyed by this whole sitatuon that i'm just like *push away completely*.

Wow, I'm un-fucking-predictable. And crazy. Gloriously crazy.

I don't know if I'll mean this tomorrow. I sure as hell hope so. I really hope so.

I'm excited for life. for new beginnings.
awwwwww yeah.
i've learned a lot from this relationship. yay.

Today I realized that I want to be friends with Aaron. I want him to not hold things back because I have the oh so vomiting title of a girlfriend. I want to not have every day be romanticized. I want to feel like I can be my complete self, without fear of being judged. I used to feel this way around him and I think it got lost somewhere in this midst of wanting to be a great girlfriend.

(It's funny that labels can do that.....)

If love resurfaces because of that, then that's cool. If it doesn't, that's cool too because I mean, everything is really.

there are so many things to think about, but i just don't care. i just want to be happy. 

the beatles

I remember crying hysterically on the only day I've ever cried like that. I don't think I'll ever feel that terrible again, and it's weird to acknowledge that I have. I remember looking around my room and thinking of all the things I've chosen to identify myself with. Decorations. I mean, that's what they're for right? And The Beatles were every where I looked. A yellow submarine. Love is all you need. John. Ringo. George..and my lovely lovey Paul. And I started crying even more. I cried because I felt like what I was into was some kind of joke. Some kind of fantasy I'd fallen in love with. A person that hides from reality.  I felt silly for making something so complex seem so simple. I felt like I had silenced other voices and chosen to live ignorantly in bliss, but now I could finally hear them again, and they were shouting.

LOVE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT ALL YOU NEED.
WATER, ELY, WATER!
PEACE? WHAT A FAR-FETCHED IDEA. SEEMS LIKE YOU'VE FALLEN INTO SOME SORT OF SHALLOW TREND
RARARARARARARARARARARA!

It was terrible.

I don't think of them like that all now. I feel like that day just made me realize how much shit the world was and how perfection can exist sometimes in moments, in sounds, and that is what the beatles do for me.
I am not running away from reality. I am creating my own.

what I should be doing:

sleeping

what I'm going to go do:

party

chuckle chuckle

 

i restored everything because.

in the bathroom stall...blogging.

i like how enclosed i am.

i hung out with an angsty teenager yesterday with a good soul. we disagreed on just about everything and i was beginning to think he didnt like me. it was the kind of disagreement that caused tension and silence, not stimulation, not an i-want-to-explore-your-mind-feeling. i was wrong though. and he said he was happy to talk to someone who had a brain. whatever that means right? hahaha.

i woke up to a text from kevin. im going to see him today.
at first i thought i shouldnt and thats when i realized that i should.

I deleted everything because.

good

don't try to make sense of things that don't make sense.

the best kind of communication is done without the use of words.


‎"If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you...Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out." 
—David Foster Wallace

on what it feels like getting your soul sucked

I don't know. It doesn't matter anymore. Growth has replaced emptiness and now I'm free to blossom. Isn't that what really matters? The now?

and the fact that something good came out of a seemingly bad situation?


Maybe it should matter, because god knows how many people there are out there that tell me it does, but it doesn't. Not with me. And if I said it did then I'd be lying. My actions that result from that thought would be a lie too.

This is what makes me me and not you and I'm pretty happy about that.

I'm not weak... Maybe I'm just stronger then  most.

in search of absolutely nothing

that makes two of us, ey? 

balter

This is what a real smile looks like. A natural one. 

This is what confusion looks like. 

This is what NO PANTS DAY 2013 looks like. 

I love these photos

love love love love

                                                              Especially this one.

I've been feeling like this song all day

JUST LET ME WALLOW IN THE SADNESS THAT IS LIFE

lol, just kidding.

dear prudence

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?

Dear Prudence, open up your eyes
Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
That you are part of everything
Dear Prudence, won't you open up your eyes?

Look around round
(Round round round, round round)
(Round round round, round round)
Look around round round
(Round round round, round round)
(Round round round, round round)
Look around

Dear Prudence, let me see you smile
Dear Prudence, like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear Prudence, won't you let me see you smile?

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?

I like how I never listen to this song. I like how I know when its time to.

I crave music sometimes. That's pretty funny.

 

good lyrics, as expected, by moz

 Girl afraid
Where do his intentions lay ?

Or does he even have any ?


She says :


"He never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again !"

I'll never make that mistake again
I'll never make that mistake again


Boy afraid
Prudence never pays

And everything she wants costs money


"But she doesn't even LIKE me !
And I know because she said so
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
I'll never make that mistake again !"

the now

I like contradictions. I feel like they are on point, but I guess it's easy to be when you are vague.
"everything was permanent because nothing was permanent".

I was reading this poem called "Things I didn't know I loved". I liked the title right away because it I felt like love was an energy so intense that its presence was always felt and the title obviously made me question that. I wonder if the past always seems better in our minds then it really was. It's stupid to wonder that, I'm aware, because there is no way to find out. And I'm just happy that it means something now, even if it didn't then.

I think I'm loosing trust in people.
Actually, I think I'm loosing trust in words. or the ability people have to express themselves.
It's weird, because when you choose to describe something, that something becomes exactly how you described it. And how you described it is based on so many things.
I just don't want things to loose their value. Sometimes it's easier/safer to stay quiet. Sometimes.

Things involving what I guess can be described as "romance" that have happened as of late:

I woke up from a long nap after getting super stoned with a friend to find out that Kevin was almost home. Kevin is a guy I know from 8th grade. He was supposed to take me out to a movie. My dad was pretty pissed at me for sleeping the whole day and said I couldn't go. I told him we could watch a movie in my room, but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to read. So I decided to do the next best thing: read to him. I picked the book "Ham On Rye" by Bukowski, because it was kind of how I was feeling.
So here I am reading, all fine and dandy, when Kevin decides to tell me that he wants to kiss me. I continued to read. He kind of did this, I guess, "suave", little gesture by getting close and what not. I wanted it to be eleven already.
When it was time to go, sensing my reluctancy, he decides to ask me before anything goes down. Smart move.

K: What would you do if I kissed you right now?
E: I wouldn't kiss back.
K: *smiles* *puts on bag* *leaves*.
E: Okay, well, I'll see you later kevin!

My friend decides to hit me up to rant about this girl whom I'm very fond of. I listen. We walk to his house. We watch pineapple express (fucking hilarious). It wasn't at all weird and awkward like with Kevin. This kid is actually a good friend of mine and has been for some time. But that's the thing: we're good friends. So when he tried to do things with me, I told him, "don't ruin it.". Luckily, he understood.   He still managed to compliment the hell out of me. I guess as an attempt to get me to cave. Like "oh, maybe I am special :)".
Lookinnnnn' ass. Well, maybe those compliments don't nec. mean I'm special, but you know, I guess I'm just conflicted with the idea of honesty.

On the other hand, it's completely the opposite when it comes to Kevin. I guess it's mostly due to the fact that I don't know him as well and that he is insanely attractive. Kevin doesn't really have to do anything and he'll get quick responses from me and all these cups of teas. It's funny, because just a year ago, he was doing that for me. Oh, how the tables have turned. Anyway, it's weird being like this. I don't want to flirt with him. I just want to get to know him.
But if that doesn't happen, it doesn't matter. Space.

Yesterday, Caine and I figured out my standards. Well, as far as sex goes. Sex is fun and who gives a shit if you fuck around with people if you're enjoying yourself? I don't judge people who get off by things like that. Turns out, I wouldn't enjoy myself. I wouldn't embrace this care-free mentality. And so...I'm going to not get laid for a while. Caine says its a matter of self-respect. I say its a matter of interest.

A good indicator of liking someone is liking their breath/scent.

Anyway, enough of this romance talk.

I've been a mother fucking social butterfly lately. T'is fun. T'is really fun. I can be shy plenty though. I think it only happens with people I know by association. Like, you're friends with my friend and my friend wants us to be friends. If I'm not shy, then I'm probably awkward. It's the pressure.

The tobster (Toby) came into my room. All cute.
There are a few things I want to talk about in my next blog post:
-what I've learned
-Careers/Future
-self-image
-what the evaluation blog post should have looked like

 This is part one of a blog post that should have just been one...lol..god i'm tired. goodnight.

evaluating myself

HI I'M ELY. I'M A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL AND THIS IS HOW GOOD I AM AT SMILING ON CUE. I'M NOT THAT GOOD, I'VE NEVER BEEN GOOD. I'VE ALWAYS FELT AND STILL CONTINUE TO FEEL AWKWARD THAT I'M LYING TO YOU SO HARD. 

YES, IT WAS TOBY AND HIS CUTENESS THAT PROMPTED ALL THIS PHOTO TAKING THAT WAS DONE TODAY. I MEAN, HOLY SHIT, HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO BE THAT CUTE? LOOK AT HIM ^-^

HE DOES THIS EVERY TIME MY DAD LEAVES. AND AROUND 3 (WHICH IS WHEN MY LITTLE BROTHERS SHOULD BE GETTING HOME FROM SCHOOL)

I HAVE A TERRIBLE SLEEPING SCHEDULE (THUS MY BAGS). 

TOBY IS CUTE. LOL. I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND A THOUSAND MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS. 

Okay, enough with the caps. I wish more of my photos were pictures that weren't taken by me. 

I have terrible bags underneath my eyes and that's primarily due to the fact that I have a terrible sleeping schedule and that I'm not wearing make-up. Maybe it's also due to the lighting? I can't wait to have luscious long hair thats up to boobs, at least. 

So yes, this is me, kind of. 

I'm going to YCA now....I'm going to finish this tonight! No work for Ely. Yay!

I have so much I want to say. But I'm tired. And so I will snuggle with my blankets and read. Goodnight.

more happenings

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/the_word_h9qVTo93ORlNKAl72J97LM

people

souls walking around wrapped in flesh. 
thoughts walking around wrapped in flesh.
emotions walking around wrapped in flesh.
potential wallking around wrapped in flesh.
failure walking around wrapped in flesh.
success walking around wrapped in flesh
ideas walking around wrapped in flesh.    
connections walking around wrapped in flesh.
memories walking around wrapped in flesh
nothing walking around wrapped in flesh

hormones
cells
finger nails
hair
eyes
lips
noses

I'm loosely tied.

  

an explaination of nothing in particular

Lately I've been doing things I love and hanging out with people I didn't loved me and people who eventually will.
In short, it's been nice.


I'm hurt inside, despite all the fun I've experienced this week. And it's primarily due to the fact that I'm attached to Aaron. And it's a kind of attachment that I can feel subsiding. But not fully. There is residue leftover. All my past actions have been made based on that residue. And it's weird because I can't fully understand what I'm trying to do with it. A part of me is trying to destroy it by being clingy and the other part of me is trying to scrap all the pieces together and create something new and beautiful.
The funny thing is I never think about it. I don't think about how I feel. I don't understand it. I'm kind of trying to figure myself out. Let's see, Ely, what's in this mind of yours?
Well, I guess for one thing, I'm pretty upset that what I thought was magnificent wasn't magnificent after all. My relationship ending makes me feel like it was something generic. That it wouldn't be able to compare to a relationship of 3 years plus etc.

Seeing it written out like that makes me realize how ridiculous that is.

Another thing, is that its weird when people stop loving you. I feel like I've done something wrong, that I'm less than what I was before.

 Seeing it written out like that makes me realize how ridiculous that is.

I guess I don't love Aaron. I guess this is me being selfish. This is me feeding my ego. This is me just wanting the easy way out.

I don't know why I tell Aaron the things I do. I always end up feeling stupid in the end. Like I'm acting. Maybe because I am. I don't trust the words I chose to explain myself with. And because I long to feel something strongly. But this is faint. Faint and annoying. Like a mosquito searching for a nice bite on your skin.

Happenings:

I hung out with my friend Cody the other day. This is someone I went out with for about two months in 8th grade. He has had a girlfriend for about two years- three. Cody kept trying to do things with me. I didn't do anything. I just kind of lied  there with my eyes closed. He kept trying to kiss me. I didn't kiss back. It was weird and all I wanted to do was be high and laugh but his stupid hormones got in the way. I kept thinking about his girlfriend the entire time. Michelle Ashely Delgado. Sometimes, she changes it to Michelle Ashely De Los Santos. I asked him later why he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with me. That if he cared about her. He said "Yeah, I care about her. I was thinking about her.".
"So why'd you [try to] do it?"
"Because it's hard not to. I've always found you attractive."
"It's hard?" (laughing softly to myself at pun)

Yerika and Kristina were trying to be romantic for their partners yesterday.

Crystal knows this guys that says the sweetest things to her but never comes around.

Me and Cody Miller had an amazing time smoking together. He is the type of guy I can go to Target with and laugh at all the stupid shit and have deep talks and argue with. We disagree on a lot of things. Everyone thinks he sucks.

I told Yerika I was intrigued by Rodrigo and she said it was because he was arrogant like Aaron and that made me not want to talk to him anymore. At the time. I think I still want to talk to him because I know that's not the reason. I just want to ask him questions. He seems so..distant. from my kind of world. if that makes sense.

A few days ago, I stopped being obsessed with horoscopes.

Kevin is a big partier. I don't like him. I just like his face. It makes me feel like I'm thirteen again.
In other words, it makes me feel naive and on the surface and safe in my eyes but not his. But who cares whats in his eyes, really?
I shouldn't be so quick to judge him..

I can tell if I like someone based on their hands.

Sometimes I feel like my heart is searching for Aaron but that is usually the residue doing it's thing.

My aunt and uncle got married after years of being together. I don't know how to measure monumentousness. That is not a word.

I don't think you can measure life. I think it's impossible and silly to try to/want to. And maybe that leads people to being too  hard on themselves. Which is dumb.

 I hate being a hypocrite, but that's inevitable too.

Yerika, Cody Daniels, and I were chilling in the car after everyone left. We started talking. About everything and anything. The opposite of speed-bump is slow-bump. Slow bumps give you a turbo boost like in Mario Cart games. Exclamation points are better than question marks. They sound better. I asked Yerika/Cody if they had a "type" and if so, "what was it?". Pretty much, "what do you look for in a partner"? Cody said that he doesn't look for anything. That he just so happens to like a girl, he likes her. Yerika said they had to be smart and have a sense of humor. Is it weird that when I ask this question I feel like I'm waiting for someone? Maybe that's an effect of a recent break-up. But I think of someone I can get high with all the time, and cuddle with, and laugh with, and be silent with, and talk to on LSD, and have sex with on LSD, and who can get along with me as well as my friends. Someone who makes me question thinks and makes me feel alive. alive alive alive alive and lets me read to them and bring up weird random questions on my mind and shares music with me and thoughts and their experiences and knows when its time to hear mine...Someone who will do stupid things with me. Someone who loves me and cradles me and tells me nice things. Someone who feels life just as strongly as I do. Someone who makes mistakes but trusts me enough to tell me about them like I'm their friend, not their girlfriend. And I feel nostalgic every-time I think about this. You might be thinking it's the wrong word, but isn't. It's not a yearning or longing or whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's nostalgia. And that in no way implies that I've done this before with someone. I haven't. I just feel like it's coming. Or like I know what this feels like. Or something. It's weird, as with all things.

Yerika said something interesting about me yesterday on the train. She said that she understands me and made a pretty interesting observation. When I'm sad, I'm not just sad at this particular thing, happening, or person. My whole world becomes sad. _______ sucks becomes humans suck. When I'm happy, the same thing applies.

I feel like I'm falling in love with myself all over again.

A good indicator of how much you like someone is if you can sleep easily next to them.

Seize the day, or something.



I like being naked.
I think about how self-conscious I was sometimes with Aaron and its nice to be out of that. I can say I wish I wasn't, but it doesn't matter. I get naked in front of my friends and we compliment each other and compare our bodies. It's fun. Humans are so beautifully architected (also, not a word). Fuck models. Fuck people who want models. People who are unconventionally beautiful are so much funner to look at..

Caine and I have the weirdest conversations:

C: I have a date @ 7
E: Do you like her yet?
C: She is filiino I think that speaks for itself
E: Translate for me please
C: I like her but I have a sinus headache
E: If she gives you an advil, marry her.

-                             -

E: What do you think of me Caine?
C: I'll tell you if you tell me
E: What I think of myself or you?
C: Both
E: I think I'm unbearably human and it scares me how many layers there are to me and it amuses me how people take them. In other words, I think I'm pretty cool. I'm also pretty dramatic but I'm good at hiding it. I think you're peculiar and chill and fun to text but I'm skeptical of you at times.
C: You doubt me?
E:  Sometimes I feel like you're not being honest. Like you're messing with me for a laugh. I never act upon the thought though.
C: Hah I forget that girls like guys to be serious, i'm sorry. I'm just messing with you because I like you!
E:  When do you mess with me?
C: A lot, apparently.
E: I don't feel it all the time
C: Give me an example
E: When you talk about being sad. Are you really?
C: Ive always been sad its just the way i'm wired
E:  whats there to be sad about
C:  what were promised as children and the reality of the "real world"
E:  I wasn't promised anything I'm still sad though. A little.
C: Really
E: Really.
C: Haha I like you Ely

Our team was Team feel goode! With the e at the end. Silly.

Lately, I've realized that my biggest fear is lacking substance, lacking depth. I honestly think that's my only fear now. I feel like everything else I'm afraid of is an extension of that. Even marriage. 

I bought the book "Econmix". It was intended to be for Aaron. I had originally bought him a cook book, which should show you how pathetic our relationship was becoming, or maybe just me. Anyway, the book is amazing. It's a comic book. Complete with JOKES! And it's so simple and down to earth. Heh. Books can be down to earth. Funny. He would have liked it. Too bad he thinks of it as a "lets get back together" offering. 
 I still care about him, and it's weird because I care about him in a weird way. I care about him in a "I've loved you once" kind of way. 
 Anyway, the book is mine now and I'm starting a weird book collection now based on how much I fell in love with this book while reading it on the subway yesterday.

I was with my friend Evelyn, Panda, and Aumi and I asked Evelyn what she thought of Aaron and I being together. I'm always interested in what people think of aaron and me from a far. People that know us on the surface.
EE: When Panda told me I was like WHAT?
E: Hah, but why?
EE:Well you were always like AHH :D and he was always like MEH..
  E: Heh *smiles* yeah.
EE: How'd you meet him? Debate right?
E: Yeah
EE: I always remember you talking about that when you were a frreshman. Like "Oh I have debate"
E: So what'd you think of him?
EE: I didn't really know him. All I knew was that he was smart. The only encounters I ever had with him were him being sarcastic
E: And funny right?
EE: No, he was kind of an asshole. Sorry.


Change of plans for ely:

I'm staying in Chicago for a year. It's official. I'm moving out April 1st to Wicker Park with Panda to live at Aumi's dads. Hopefully. Things aren't set in stone other than the fact that I'll be here. I'm still going on a road trip with Yerika to California because, well, I want to. I'm also going to still visit Marina in L.A. I just want to do the things I know I'll love but won't have time for. I'm tired of this "I'm investing in my future hapiness mumbo jumbo". I want to be happy now and I want to be happy then. This is how I will go about doing it: I will stay here to focus on recreational things (guitar, violin, aerial silks, hooping, french, etc). Then, once I don't have to focus so much on these things because I kind of have the hang of it, I will focus on something fun and interesting to learn about. Even if its not interesting, I still think it'll be cool. I don't know. I'm excited. 

I'm not methodical at all. I like all this space.  

I'm writing this along to the album "In rainbows" from Forest Aust on...(21:21 )I think whoever is reading this would really understand what I mean with the music in the background. This album fits my mood so well....

I've been sticking to a few bands lately. Interpol, Radiohead, The Smiths, The Beatles. Pretty much. Bikini Kill also deserves to be mentioned. Not by  much though. Oh, and Modest Mouse too. (!).

I could have been wild, I could have been free,
but nature played this trick on me.

MOZ <3 

I've also been on a CHICAGO HUNT for this book:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Perry-Bible-Fellowship-Almanack/dp/1593079885

This will be book two of my random picture-friendly book collection. I'm excited.
A peek of whats inside:
(lol look at me i'm so lame)

really?

life is interesting

how I feel ^^...

acid is my therapist.

you look better when you smile

inside my mind:

The perfect time to read a book is before you fall asleep or on a lazy summer afternoon.

 Trains/buses are perfect for TIME magazines and newspapers. Books are good too, but only if your bus/train ride is a long one.  

They play regular show @ the UIC student lounge!

my dad is kicking me out of here..I'm going to Aumi's house. I'll finish this later. Lots to say.  Rah. 

pickys up bitches. we're fancy.
feliz dia de los reyes.

actually

keep the questions comin'
;D

am i completely fucking stupid?
i might be.

on another note,
why do guys ask girls if they  know they're pretty?
is that some kind of self-esteem tester?
fuck you guys.