Lately I've been doing things I love and hanging out with people I didn't loved me and people who eventually will.
In short, it's been nice.
I'm hurt inside, despite all the fun I've experienced this week. And it's primarily due to the fact that I'm attached to Aaron. And it's a kind of attachment that I can feel subsiding. But not fully. There is residue leftover. All my past actions have been made based on that residue. And it's weird because I can't fully understand what I'm trying to do with it. A part of me is trying to destroy it by being clingy and the other part of me is trying to scrap all the pieces together and create something new and beautiful.
The funny thing is I never think about it. I don't think about how I feel. I don't understand it. I'm kind of trying to figure myself out. Let's see, Ely, what's in this mind of yours?
Well, I guess for one thing, I'm pretty upset that what I thought was magnificent wasn't magnificent after all. My relationship ending makes me feel like it was something generic. That it wouldn't be able to compare to a relationship of 3 years plus etc.
Seeing it written out like that makes me realize how ridiculous that is.
Another thing, is that its weird when people stop loving you. I feel like I've done something wrong, that I'm less than what I was before.
Seeing it written out like that makes me realize how ridiculous that is.
I guess I don't love Aaron. I guess this is me being selfish. This is me feeding my ego. This is me just wanting the easy way out.
I don't know why I tell Aaron the things I do. I always end up feeling stupid in the end. Like I'm acting. Maybe because I am. I don't trust the words I chose to explain myself with. And because I long to feel something strongly. But this is faint. Faint and annoying. Like a mosquito searching for a nice bite on your skin.
Happenings:
I hung out with my friend Cody the other day. This is someone I went out with for about two months in 8th grade. He has had a girlfriend for about two years- three. Cody kept trying to do things with me. I didn't do anything. I just kind of lied there with my eyes closed. He kept trying to kiss me. I didn't kiss back. It was weird and all I wanted to do was be high and laugh but his stupid hormones got in the way. I kept thinking about his girlfriend the entire time. Michelle Ashely Delgado. Sometimes, she changes it to Michelle Ashely De Los Santos. I asked him later why he was trying to cheat on his girlfriend with me. That if he cared about her. He said "Yeah, I care about her. I was thinking about her.".
"So why'd you [try to] do it?"
"Because it's hard not to. I've always found you attractive."
"It's hard?" (laughing softly to myself at pun)
Yerika and Kristina were trying to be romantic for their partners yesterday.
Crystal knows this guys that says the sweetest things to her but never comes around.
Me and Cody Miller had an amazing time smoking together. He is the type of guy I can go to Target with and laugh at all the stupid shit and have deep talks and argue with. We disagree on a lot of things. Everyone thinks he sucks.
I told Yerika I was intrigued by Rodrigo and she said it was because he was arrogant like Aaron and that made me not want to talk to him anymore. At the time. I think I still want to talk to him because I know that's not the reason. I just want to ask him questions. He seems so..distant. from my kind of world. if that makes sense.
A few days ago, I stopped being obsessed with horoscopes.
Kevin is a big partier. I don't like him. I just like his face. It makes me feel like I'm thirteen again.
In other words, it makes me feel naive and on the surface and safe in my eyes but not his. But who cares whats in his eyes, really?
I shouldn't be so quick to judge him..
I can tell if I like someone based on their hands.
Sometimes I feel like my heart is searching for Aaron but that is usually the residue doing it's thing.
My aunt and uncle got married after years of being together. I don't know how to measure monumentousness. That is not a word.
I don't think you can measure life. I think it's impossible and silly to try to/want to. And maybe that leads people to being too hard on themselves. Which is dumb.
I hate being a hypocrite, but that's inevitable too.
Yerika, Cody Daniels, and I were chilling in the car after everyone left. We started talking. About everything and anything. The opposite of speed-bump is slow-bump. Slow bumps give you a turbo boost like in Mario Cart games. Exclamation points are better than question marks. They sound better. I asked Yerika/Cody if they had a "type" and if so, "what was it?". Pretty much, "what do you look for in a partner"? Cody said that he doesn't look for anything. That he just so happens to like a girl, he likes her. Yerika said they had to be smart and have a sense of humor. Is it weird that when I ask this question I feel like I'm waiting for someone? Maybe that's an effect of a recent break-up. But I think of someone I can get high with all the time, and cuddle with, and laugh with, and be silent with, and talk to on LSD, and have sex with on LSD, and who can get along with me as well as my friends. Someone who makes me question thinks and makes me feel alive. alive alive alive alive and lets me read to them and bring up weird random questions on my mind and shares music with me and thoughts and their experiences and knows when its time to hear mine...Someone who will do stupid things with me. Someone who loves me and cradles me and tells me nice things. Someone who feels life just as strongly as I do. Someone who makes mistakes but trusts me enough to tell me about them like I'm their friend, not their girlfriend. And I feel nostalgic every-time I think about this. You might be thinking it's the wrong word, but isn't. It's not a yearning or longing or whatever the fuck you want to call it. It's nostalgia. And that in no way implies that I've done this before with someone. I haven't. I just feel like it's coming. Or like I know what this feels like. Or something. It's weird, as with all things.
Yerika said something interesting about me yesterday on the train. She said that she understands me and made a pretty interesting observation. When I'm sad, I'm not just sad at this particular thing, happening, or person. My whole world becomes sad. _______ sucks becomes humans suck. When I'm happy, the same thing applies.
I feel like I'm falling in love with myself all over again.
A good indicator of how much you like someone is if you can sleep easily next to them.
Seize the day, or something.
I like being naked.
I think about how self-conscious I was sometimes with Aaron and its nice to be out of that. I can say I wish I wasn't, but it doesn't matter. I get naked in front of my friends and we compliment each other and compare our bodies. It's fun. Humans are so beautifully architected (also, not a word). Fuck models. Fuck people who want models. People who are unconventionally beautiful are so much funner to look at..
Caine and I have the weirdest conversations:
C: I have a date @ 7
E: Do you like her yet?
C: She is filiino I think that speaks for itself
E: Translate for me please
C: I like her but I have a sinus headache
E: If she gives you an advil, marry her.
- -
E: What do you think of me Caine?
C: I'll tell you if you tell me
E: What I think of myself or you?
C: Both
E: I think I'm unbearably human and it scares me how many layers there are to me and it amuses me how people take them. In other words, I think I'm pretty cool. I'm also pretty dramatic but I'm good at hiding it. I think you're peculiar and chill and fun to text but I'm skeptical of you at times.
C: You doubt me?
E: Sometimes I feel like you're not being honest. Like you're messing with me for a laugh. I never act upon the thought though.
C: Hah I forget that girls like guys to be serious, i'm sorry. I'm just messing with you because I like you!
E: When do you mess with me?
C: A lot, apparently.
E: I don't feel it all the time
C: Give me an example
E: When you talk about being sad. Are you really?
C: Ive always been sad its just the way i'm wired
E: whats there to be sad about
C: what were promised as children and the reality of the "real world"
E: I wasn't promised anything I'm still sad though. A little.
C: Really
E: Really.
C: Haha I like you Ely
Our team was Team feel goode! With the e at the end. Silly.
Lately, I've realized that my biggest fear is lacking substance, lacking depth. I honestly think that's my only fear now. I feel like everything else I'm afraid of is an extension of that. Even marriage.
I bought the book "Econmix". It was intended to be for Aaron. I had originally bought him a cook book, which should show you how pathetic our relationship was becoming, or maybe just me. Anyway, the book is amazing. It's a comic book. Complete with JOKES! And it's so simple and down to earth. Heh. Books can be down to earth. Funny. He would have liked it. Too bad he thinks of it as a "lets get back together" offering.
I still care about him, and it's weird because I care about him in a weird way. I care about him in a "I've loved you once" kind of way.
Anyway, the book is mine now and I'm starting a weird book collection now based on how much I fell in love with this book while reading it on the subway yesterday.
I was with my friend Evelyn, Panda, and Aumi and I asked Evelyn what she thought of Aaron and I being together. I'm always interested in what people think of aaron and me from a far. People that know us on the surface.
EE: When Panda told me I was like WHAT?
E: Hah, but why?
EE:Well you were always like AHH :D and he was always like MEH..
E: Heh *smiles* yeah.
EE: How'd you meet him? Debate right?
E: Yeah
EE: I always remember you talking about that when you were a frreshman. Like "Oh I have debate"
E: So what'd you think of him?
EE: I didn't really know him. All I knew was that he was smart. The only encounters I ever had with him were him being sarcastic
E: And funny right?
EE: No, he was kind of an asshole. Sorry.
Change of plans for ely:
I'm staying in Chicago for a year. It's official. I'm moving out April 1st to Wicker Park with Panda to live at Aumi's dads. Hopefully. Things aren't set in stone other than the fact that I'll be here. I'm still going on a road trip with Yerika to California because, well, I want to. I'm also going to still visit Marina in L.A. I just want to do the things I know I'll love but won't have time for. I'm tired of this "I'm investing in my future hapiness mumbo jumbo". I want to be happy now and I want to be happy then. This is how I will go about doing it: I will stay here to focus on recreational things (guitar, violin, aerial silks, hooping, french, etc). Then, once I don't have to focus so much on these things because I kind of have the hang of it, I will focus on something fun and interesting to learn about. Even if its not interesting, I still think it'll be cool. I don't know. I'm excited.
I'm not methodical at all. I like all this space.
I'm writing this along to the album "In rainbows" from Forest Aust on...(21:21 )I think whoever is reading this would really understand what I mean with the music in the background. This album fits my mood so well....
I've been sticking to a few bands lately. Interpol, Radiohead, The Smiths, The Beatles. Pretty much. Bikini Kill also deserves to be mentioned. Not by much though. Oh, and Modest Mouse too. (!).
I could have been wild, I could have been free,
but nature played this trick on me.
MOZ <3
I've also been on a CHICAGO HUNT for this book:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Perry-Bible-Fellowship-Almanack/dp/1593079885
This will be book two of my random picture-friendly book collection. I'm excited.
A peek of whats inside:
(lol look at me i'm so lame)
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