the now

I like contradictions. I feel like they are on point, but I guess it's easy to be when you are vague.
"everything was permanent because nothing was permanent".

I was reading this poem called "Things I didn't know I loved". I liked the title right away because it I felt like love was an energy so intense that its presence was always felt and the title obviously made me question that. I wonder if the past always seems better in our minds then it really was. It's stupid to wonder that, I'm aware, because there is no way to find out. And I'm just happy that it means something now, even if it didn't then.

I think I'm loosing trust in people.
Actually, I think I'm loosing trust in words. or the ability people have to express themselves.
It's weird, because when you choose to describe something, that something becomes exactly how you described it. And how you described it is based on so many things.
I just don't want things to loose their value. Sometimes it's easier/safer to stay quiet. Sometimes.

Things involving what I guess can be described as "romance" that have happened as of late:

I woke up from a long nap after getting super stoned with a friend to find out that Kevin was almost home. Kevin is a guy I know from 8th grade. He was supposed to take me out to a movie. My dad was pretty pissed at me for sleeping the whole day and said I couldn't go. I told him we could watch a movie in my room, but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to read. So I decided to do the next best thing: read to him. I picked the book "Ham On Rye" by Bukowski, because it was kind of how I was feeling.
So here I am reading, all fine and dandy, when Kevin decides to tell me that he wants to kiss me. I continued to read. He kind of did this, I guess, "suave", little gesture by getting close and what not. I wanted it to be eleven already.
When it was time to go, sensing my reluctancy, he decides to ask me before anything goes down. Smart move.

K: What would you do if I kissed you right now?
E: I wouldn't kiss back.
K: *smiles* *puts on bag* *leaves*.
E: Okay, well, I'll see you later kevin!

My friend decides to hit me up to rant about this girl whom I'm very fond of. I listen. We walk to his house. We watch pineapple express (fucking hilarious). It wasn't at all weird and awkward like with Kevin. This kid is actually a good friend of mine and has been for some time. But that's the thing: we're good friends. So when he tried to do things with me, I told him, "don't ruin it.". Luckily, he understood.   He still managed to compliment the hell out of me. I guess as an attempt to get me to cave. Like "oh, maybe I am special :)".
Lookinnnnn' ass. Well, maybe those compliments don't nec. mean I'm special, but you know, I guess I'm just conflicted with the idea of honesty.

On the other hand, it's completely the opposite when it comes to Kevin. I guess it's mostly due to the fact that I don't know him as well and that he is insanely attractive. Kevin doesn't really have to do anything and he'll get quick responses from me and all these cups of teas. It's funny, because just a year ago, he was doing that for me. Oh, how the tables have turned. Anyway, it's weird being like this. I don't want to flirt with him. I just want to get to know him.
But if that doesn't happen, it doesn't matter. Space.

Yesterday, Caine and I figured out my standards. Well, as far as sex goes. Sex is fun and who gives a shit if you fuck around with people if you're enjoying yourself? I don't judge people who get off by things like that. Turns out, I wouldn't enjoy myself. I wouldn't embrace this care-free mentality. And so...I'm going to not get laid for a while. Caine says its a matter of self-respect. I say its a matter of interest.

A good indicator of liking someone is liking their breath/scent.

Anyway, enough of this romance talk.

I've been a mother fucking social butterfly lately. T'is fun. T'is really fun. I can be shy plenty though. I think it only happens with people I know by association. Like, you're friends with my friend and my friend wants us to be friends. If I'm not shy, then I'm probably awkward. It's the pressure.

The tobster (Toby) came into my room. All cute.
There are a few things I want to talk about in my next blog post:
-what I've learned
-Careers/Future
-self-image
-what the evaluation blog post should have looked like

 This is part one of a blog post that should have just been one...lol..god i'm tired. goodnight.