I feel like writing today

Yesterday was a good day. Woke up next to panda, I got laid, got to smoke with Markay! right after since he lived hella close, met a bunch of his friends that were funny, got sparked up and dropped off home by Loony, and fell asleep cuddling with Toby.

I've been thinking a lot about what that birthday personality has said about me. It's eerie how true it is. Well, at least when it says "although you are highly communicative, you tend to keep your inner thoughts to yourself".

I'm going to admit to something.
Throughout some time in August, I had feelings for Max. I loved how much he talked. It was funny how much he rambled and how the only time I could really say anything was when he was asking me a question. I love the Youtube videos he would show me, the fact that he watched ghost hunting shows (so lame! i would always tell him how much bullshit he was allowing into his life, but he was all for it), how he hated the Beatles, how he gave badass lightshows, how he would buy me anything, how he speaked Ukranian and would make fun of me everytime I tried to speak it, how enthusastic he was about music, how deadmau5 was always playing in the car, how he really always tried to make an effort with me, and i could always tell, how much of a dumbass he is, the layout of his house, the european shows always playing in the kitchen, and how much i could tell he loved his mom, the fact that he always wanted to shop for clothes with me (I always refused), how he could never play call of duty in front of me because my presence would make him nervous and he'd always under-perform, how he complimented me on what i wore and how i wore it.
I remember him, fixing up his car, and saying he'd take care of me. I remember saying if this was a trap and if he was trying to get me to stay with him for a long time. I remember him smiling, and looking into his deep blue eyes, and saying that that was exactly what he was trying to do. I remember him picking me up after lollapalooza and he was with some other girl. I rememember being jealous. I remember being hurt. I was surprised that he was capable of hurting me and I wondered if it would last long. It didn't.
I remember the first day I hung out with him. Before any of this.
I remember thinking of Aaron and knowing in my heart that I would stay faithful. I remember playing beatles songs and talking to Max about him. I remember not being able to hear a beatles song. I remember going to the party on western. I remember this:
"I'm dancing for you"
"As I'm dreaming about you"
I remember talking to Max about lord of the flies. I remember not remembering anything.
I remember Max freaking out about things with me. I always thought it was funny/kind of cute. He'd always think so negative with me. He'd send me a text, yelling at me, claiming this was the last time he'd ever talk to me, and I'd text back with something and tell him to stop being silly and then all was well again I had my laugh and I called him weird. I remember him calling me a goddess.

Despite how it may look, I never did anything with him besides that one day..when it wasn't really me.

I rememeber thinking about breaking up with Aaron.
I remember Aaron being late.
I remember what Aaron said once we got to the corner of my neighborhood. I'd tell you, but I'm selfish.
I remember seeing Paul McCartney a few hours later.
I remember not thinking of Max for that whole entire night.

I remember when I told him that we couldn't see each other anymore.
It was the day after Aaron left for San Diego.
I remember him not talking anymore. The ramblings stopped. The songs were turned up. I could see the sadness in his eyes. They curled down at the sides. His eyes seemed a darker shade of blue that day. He kept missing stop signs and running through red lights. I remember being sorry. I still am.

I feel like I'm on ecstasy right now.
I'd say I'm horny, but that's not the right word.
I want to trace your body and feel your skin against mine
My favorite part of yesterday was kissing your neck and moving up to your cheeks
and tenderly kissing your lips, and holding it there for however long it seemed right

is this what lust looks like?

i'm convinced i can still fall in love with you.  

but i'm tired too.

I want to go to downtown and eat potbellys together and randomly throw snowballs at you.
and maybe even go sledding. I don't want to now, but I know I will sometime soon. I'm really enjoying this space.

i think it's hilarious that we've seen each other at such bad lows.
i'm embarressed and slightly amused.
this is me.

panda said I shouldn't have went yesterday. That I'd freak out about ale or freak out about your intentions or whatever. But honestly, I don't care. I got what I wanted for that moment. The future will figure itself out later. lol... I think it's funny that we both deleted each other off our contact list. You're still not saved.
I think it's cool that you like ale. What wasn't cool was how I decided it affected me. It tied into my self-worth. And that's..that's something.
It's weird because I'm not intimated by who she is, I'm intimated by what you think she is and what you think I am.
But not anymore.
To be honest, it's mostly because I'm tired lol and because I'm happy with who I am. and because relationships that aren't tested are dull and boring.
I'm not sad that we aren't together because I feel like we have to get to know each other again.  And this could be fun. Or it could be terrible. I don't know. If it's terrible, then we really have nothing to loose.
I'm sorry I was trying to force things to happen.

I was so bothered by that valentines day shit. Every time I tried to calm down, I thought of it, and ....
But honestly, I fucking hate that typical valentines day shit, and that's exactly what you pulled on her. I don't know why that matters, but it does.

You are so human. :P
And I don't think you are an asshole. I think you are interesting.

I know we could abandon this right now, and be happy by other means. But why fight urges?
When I want something, I want something.
I don't necessarly mean I want you. I hope you understand.

I hope throughout my life, I make the best out of situations.
I hope I stop overanalyzing things and just let things happen and be happy with whatever outcome there is.
I hope I focus on things that matter because lately, I haven't.

I think this is all I have to say.