written in september

Sometimes I just want to find the loneliest place in the planet; a plain somewhere, where i couldn't see anything for miles and miles and I could feel that I was alone.
And I want it to rain. I don't want dainty tiny little faint drops to fall. I'm talking pouring rain. The kind of rain that makes you feel like you're on the verge of drowning; your eyes are constantly blinking or closed from all the drops falling down, and it seems like the air is filled more with water than with oxygen and it feels harder to breathe. I want it to rain.
And I'll just sit there, with my eyes closed, with my arms around my legs, trying not to think
I'll be drenched when I get out, but I guess it will just make it easier for the world to see how heavy I feel all the time..

I’m starting to think I’m getting at the age where it’s uncommon for people to not have some sort of make-up on. I heard that the more make-up you add to your daily routine, the more you start to need it. It becomes a part of you – embedded into your body as much as the eye you apply eye shadow to. I’m starting to believe it’s true and that the next person who will be ‘hearing’ this myth will be because of me. They’ll soon validate it on their own though. My eyebrows HAVE to be filled in. My face feels loose and weird without it.

My boyfriend tells me that I look good without make-up. That he doesn’t “notice those sorts of things”. I wonder if all guys say that. If it’s some sort of rule in their “bro-code”. (Speaking of codes, I suck at the girl one. I usually dismiss it or am naively apart of it with the desire not to be; unsure status at the moment.) Maybe he really doesn’t notice. I know this doesn’t apply to all guys. I was walking in front of these two chicks once, and I eavesdropped without the desire to. The girl had slept with some guy and in the morning when she had taken off her make-up and wanted a big ole bag of snuggle the guy told her “Wow. Make-up really does make a difference” That must have been huge hit for her self-esteem to take on, for sure.

It sucks that it matters to us how much we look. It’s beyond our control, and the reality is that we aren’t all models. That being said, it’s important to note that even models, people who look good for a living, are incapable of pleasing everyone.

It’s all in our heads.

The phrase “I think therefor I am” has resonated a lot with me. I have to remember that I am in control of my thoughts and my actions, not the situation I find myself in. Despite how good or bad the situation is, I have the ability to determine how I feel about it. Whatever I think I am, I will become. Its strange how unbelievably low I was before. I felt like a part of me had died; maybe because a part of me did, but that’s another story.  I went a lot of that time knowing exactly how to act, but not feeling like I was capable/had the right to act that way. How did I expect people to believe what I said when I didn’t even believe it?



02-06-2013:
LOL. Don't even wear make up anymore!