I like you blog. I like that I can just write anything. I can spill my thoughts. Who needs friends when I got this?
just kidding. friends are important, but blogs are still pretty cool.
I wanna post these songs:
this song makes me all happy in side. like..aww.
this is a song about her parents divorcing.
this is a song she made about a guy who stopped a lot of people from committing suicide at the golden gate bridge.
"what are your plans for tomorrow?"
"will you let me make some?"
"will you let me make some?"
random fact, since we're on the topic, the song Jeremy by Pearl Jam, was made because the lead singer read in the newspaper that a boy had shot randomly himself in the middle of a classroom. He just got up when a teacher was lecturing, pulled out his gun, put it to his mouth, and pulled the trigger.
King Jeremy, the wicked.
okay, now that that's all out of my system I can begin. alright, here I go:
I deleted my blog yesterday. Well, not deleted it because I knew I still wanted to write in it, but I limited the amount of people who could view to......0. I did this because I didn't want strangers, close friends that come across it, acquaintances who randomly find it, to read it. To read me going crazy, to be more specific. To see my butterfly thoughts, sporadically fluttering in different directions, crowding on top of one another,and all the other things that butterflies shouldn't do. No. As far as anyone knows, my thoughts are like a hummingbird;gently gliding and with a course in a mind.
But then I got over it. That was stupid a stupid thought. Pft, only lasted a day.
I'm a writer. We're supposed to say things that other people are afraid to. We're supposed to expose just how vulnerable and human we all are. It can be hard sometimes, to expose yourself, but the hardest things to write usually end up being the best stories.
And it's not just a job for writers. It's a job for musicians, artists, poets, and everyone else who wants their voice to be heard (this is where you chime in and say WORD. long story long story.) It's a job for The Smiths, It's a job for The Beatles, it's a job for Harriet Stowe, Dali, and Stephen Chbosky.
And man..do they do their job well.
And man..do they do their job well.
For example: The music made by The Beatles...I don't think I can accurately explain how much I get it. Because it's not something that is logically processed through my mind, it's something that I feel. Their music gives me goosebumps, can bring tears to my eyes, make a splurge of energy pass within me, and it's all because..well..I can relate. I can relate to this life that they describe, and the decisions that left them there. Don't Let Me Down? I get it. Well first, the title says it all, and they understood that, that's why it's so often repeated throughout the song. It's giving yourself, completely, to someone. Giving them the ability to make you crumble at any time they want. Being completely submissive because that's the best kind of love. That's the best kind of trust. It's bliss. And through it all, you know you can crumble at any given moment, fall to pieces (as avril lavigne would probably say in this situation.), but that won't happen. Because they won't let you down. And what I like so much about this line is just..it's so simple. It's something coaches say to their team before a big championship, or when a parent wants a kid to do well on a test. The context, however, changes it all. We're talking about love here. They could have easily said baby, i'm yours, or something really lame and exclusive like that..but they didn't. The phrase is simple because love is simple. And then..I just love the line "I'm in love for the first time..don't you know it's gonna last?". So silly. So young. So fresh. So naive. But that's what makes it so awesome. Everything is new, the rules are still unwritten, and the faith in the relationship is so immense, so positive.
Fuck. I ended up doing an analysis. lmao.(I picked this song because it had few lines and was repetitive) But I guess it was necessary for me to move on to my next point.
What if the Beatles were like "nah..we're not gonna write a song like that. We don't hurt. We're strong. All the time. A girl could never have me like that"
Well, for one thing, it would really suck for me not to get to enjoy this lovely song. And secondly, it would be a LIE. A big ole lie. Fat one. False. Why is that so wrong? Because it's not doing anything. Now I know there are some songs that do mention things like that, I have to acknowledge that, and I'm sure some people benefit from them because they like to be their own definition of "strong", I'm just not one of them. That's not being human. That's rejecting your emotions and replacing them with a steel face. But whatever, everyone can dance to the beat of their own drummer. Back to my point, yes. I'm sure this song has helped, touched, comforted, many people. It made them not feel like a fool for feeling this way. It let them know that other people out there feel it too.
Imagine if that didn't happen. Imagine if all the songs like that weren't made..We'd all be so scared of one another.
Well, for one thing, it would really suck for me not to get to enjoy this lovely song. And secondly, it would be a LIE. A big ole lie. Fat one. False. Why is that so wrong? Because it's not doing anything. Now I know there are some songs that do mention things like that, I have to acknowledge that, and I'm sure some people benefit from them because they like to be their own definition of "strong", I'm just not one of them. That's not being human. That's rejecting your emotions and replacing them with a steel face. But whatever, everyone can dance to the beat of their own drummer. Back to my point, yes. I'm sure this song has helped, touched, comforted, many people. It made them not feel like a fool for feeling this way. It let them know that other people out there feel it too.
Imagine if that didn't happen. Imagine if all the songs like that weren't made..We'd all be so scared of one another.
Okay, I just want to bring up these lyrics because I like them so much:
see the sea wants to take me,
the knife wants to slit me,
do you think you can help me?
it's so easy to laugh
it's so easy to hate
it takes strength to be gentle and kind
over..over..over..over..over.
so yes..I will join these group of amazing people, even if I'm not as great as them (come on..let's be honest here. It's okay. It's not offensive.), and help evoke emotions, cause people to ponder, and kind of just give them a hug, but with words. Oh yes..the joys of writing. The joys of art.
June 11, 2012
I've been feeling crazy. Like my minds all scrambled and shooting a million thoughts at me per second and i'm trying to catch them all, sort them out neatly, understand them....but I can't. My mind is a factory that is on the verge of bankruptcy because of how poorly run it is. The foundation of the building is about to crumble, and the people inside it are running out..getting away from the mess that is me, Ely.
And when I beat myself down for it, when I don't trust my thoughts, speak my opinion, or something stupid like that, I think of all the people who have embraced crazy. I think of Alex telling us how it's human..and I'm allowed to be. I think of Chaz running around asking people for free hugs (even the dudes), and I mean EVERYONE -- acquaintances, close friends, best friends -- and how he said "those kids go to my school and they think I'm crazy". Looking back, him with his shirt off, eyes squinting and all, he did look crazy. But a good kind.
And then I think of the ones who shouldn't. The ones who when they talk you wonder where their brain is. Those who can't even express a thought coherently. The ones who have been stripped away - pft - who have stripped themselves away from the person they once were, and now..they're crazy. I had a very sad encounter with someone who I used to be very fond of. The glow he used to emit has now dimmed. It used to consume me and now..there's nothing there. We'd laugh, make jokes, discuss things, and now....it's like he thinks he is an american gangster or something. It's all business and I feel like he's been consumed by greed..I just don't get it. He loved to talk. I wonder if sometimes he feels like his mind feels like mine sometimes. Maybe it did, but instead of being on the verge of destruction, its already fallen to pieces. I miss the kid who used to be extremely thoughtful, who used to just talk to me about anything for hours, who wasn't too cool for cartoons like his friends, who used to reassure me..I felt really safe around him. You know..like, I just felt like this thing we had would be okay. Ugh. It's just so strange because now..that kid is gone. This kid that I used to be so fond of, who I would still have thought is pretty great, is gone. And he started off just as awesome as chaz and alex, if not more.
So what's up with my thoughts? Why have I been treating them this way? Well for one thing, I've been told I can come off too strongly sometimes when I believe in something. I'll start arguing with you if I don't think you're right. And that's a good thing. At least to me. When someone argues with you, they introduce you to new information (whether it's based on some Harvard-prestigious professor, or someone's own experience. they all all valid lol), a new way of thinking, and essentially..challenge you. I end up, after most arguments, with a better understanding on the issue, and a better formed opinion. Some people, however, don't see it that way. They see me as..well, a bitch. "why does she have to come at me like that?". Some respond with "whatever. it's not that big of a deal" or "what does it mean to you" and then I have to explain what it means to me..but people just don't seem to get it. I'm all worked up about this because..I don't know. I don't like coming off as a bitch. It probably hurts me more than it hurts the person I'm arguing with. Yeah, so I don't have people to talk to. And I feel like my brain has gone along time without any stimulation. Like the factory I mentioned, has come to a halt. (everyone is on vacation. woo lol. I kid, I kid.). I've been around "smart kids" or whatever, but I don't know, some come off to me as way too pretentious. The way the name book after book that they've read, list their accomplishments, and all. I wonder if they're smart because they want to be, or because they know they have to. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to be proud of all these things, but don't let that be the only thing that comes out of your mouth. And be humble. Don't judge, and if you do, still accept. And yes, of course, I've encountered some smart kids, that you just never want to stop talking to. The majority, however, based on my experiences, have been assholes.
Back the the main point though, my thoughts. Sometimes..I just feel like I can't formulate any opinion. It's not that I haven't thought of the issue, but I just feel like I don't have sufficient information to make an opinion that's worth discussing. That, or, I don't think anyone has sufficient information. Or I think the issue is too big to pinpoint/narrow it down to a few sentences. I just like to let it linger, because..that's what the issue is doing anyway..if that makes sense.
And you should see just how crazy I feel when it comes to my boyfriend. Well, for one thing, I put up with a lot more than is normal. I didn't think that. It never popped into my head. My friends had to put it there. And I'm so incredibly naive that I don't know what to believe. I just start talking about something..ladidaaa...and my friends stop me all abruptly "wait...you let your boyfriend chill with some girl who came all the way from Chicago to see him? That's not normal Ely. Of course some shit was going to go down." "But..they're good friends" I tell them. "Who am I to keep him away from his friends?". There's no way I'd keep anyone on a leash. I'm way too considerate of their needs and wants. I thought that was normal. And so through the whole time I didn't see him, I thought everyone was fine, because he's not just my boyfriend, he's my friend..that I've known for a long time, and he wouldn't do anything like that. I'm just sure of it.
But that wasn't what happened. Very far from the truth, actually. And I forgave him. Just like that. And I forgave her too, and she hasn't even apologized. Hell, I even took her out to one of my favorite things to do in the summer: the fire jam. The real reason I deleted her blog? Because I felt like that's what I should do..lol. I actually liked reading some of her stuff. I like reading anyone's stuff. lol. I've read Panda's blog post like 4 times because I just..like reading it, I've been on kit's tumblr more than she is probably aware of. Me liking people stuff though..is another story... but really, I know she's human too... I can't help but sympathize. And you might think I hung out with her to see what she's like or whatever, to sabotage or something weird like that, but I had such good intentions. I promise. And I don't know, she was really quiet, and we haven't talked since, so I kind of just brushed it off. Whatever. Done. Yes, it does hurt and it would kill me to see them together, but I don't know. I just can do things like this and be fine with it. I wanted to tell her that things were okay, and that if she ends up with Aaron, well then I guess it's for the greater good because he obviously wanted to be with her or something, and it would really suck for me but hey..in the end I'd come out stronger and life works like that, you know? But Crystal told me not to. That it sounded like I was handing him to her. And so I said nothing. Aaron..remember when you said that I said when couples argue its because they care? Well..I care way more than that. So much to the point that I can't even say anything in protest. It's fucking scary. I'm so immensely attached to you..and it scares the shit out of me. I can't embrace it yet. I don't know what I'm doing with it.
Fuck you though. Really.
No..not really. Not at all, actually.
eww shitty human emotions.
One thing is for sure though, I don't want to ever become those naggy girlfriends. I don't know what I have the right to ask and what I don't. I don't know how anything works because I've never cared this much. I've always just gone along with relationships. As if I were in a boat, chilling, tanning with some shades on, knowing that this whole ride would only be temporarily and I was somewhere sunny and great, with dolphins, like the Bahamas. I always knew that I could get off that boat at any time I wanted. I was never hurt ever. Now, I feel like if I get off that boat, I'll drown.
And so I'm confused. And I shouldn't think this much. But I do. I shouldn't worry, yet here I am.
And I don't tell him anything. Because I know I'm overreacting. When I think of us still being together, despite the distance, how he could be with anyone else if he really wanted to, and all the things that make everything I'm mentioning sound ridiculous, I calm down. I miss you babe. A lot. Don't worry..I won't impose any of my psycho-analyzing on you because I know I'm overreacting. Everything will be okay. They always work out, just like Charlie said. No matter how they end up. When I sang that Johnny Cash song, I meant every single word. It's crazy how much I feel like Cash got it spot on lol. And if you only knew the things I thought about when I sing it.
So yeah, enough of that though. Onward to other things...my family. I keep my most inner emotions locked up, and I seal it with a smile on my face. Or a frown if we're talking about my family. It'll most likely be a frown. I don't know why I'm so nice to everyone, but them. I guess when I say them, I really mean my parents. People say it's okay to not get along with them, because I'm a teen and all and that's what teens do but it's like..how can I preach all these things when I can't even apply them to the two people who matter most? I can say it's because I see them way too much, but that should be even more of a reason to do it. I'm reading this book right now, Siddhartha. It's about this boy who will be a Bahmin, and he brings up a lot of interesting points. How many of the Bahmins, who practice what they preach, do so consciously. They are constantly aware of their actions. What Siddharta wants though, is for it to come naturally. It might sound like he's trying to be divine or whatever..but he's not. He just wants to do something that makes him feel good. It satisfies him. It fills a void. I get it Siddharta..and so you can only imagine how shitty I feel when something goes wrong with my parents. I wish I was closer to my mom, but she's not the kind of person who you can easily have a conversation with. I love her though. Even though bonding usually means watching homicide investigation shows and not speaking a word to another. My dad..don't even get me started...I love him. He's insane. I love it. You would think I would put all of this into prespective when they're asking me to do something. That I'd call, be punctual, do something incredibly awesome for mother and father's day, or for their birthdays or something. I don't though. You would think I would respond to them a little nicer...but I get easily annoyed by them and I can't help but have my tone of voice show that. Things I consider to not be bogus some kids wouldn't even dream of doing to their parents. I remember the first time I realized that I put my parents through a lot. I honestly didn't know. It's just all so strange..so strange..and scrambled in my head...
Oh..and I haven't been to school. I don't know why. Okay, I do know why: I don't like going. People fucking loved me. Loved me. And I screwed it allllll up. I've been the only person to be nominated by three teachers at once for that top of the bull dog thing. I've helped throw birthday parties for my teachers. Mr.Kramer wanted me to be the leader for Maker Faire. I was selected to go to special events and read my poetry for this Zen thing. I got to go to TED when others couldn't. I was one of the two selected to represent 826chi at the Google Headquarters. Things were good. But I lost the zest for life and I felt too caught up in all these fancy little titles and all. It overwhelmed me. I had recognition. Don't tell I'm great, just let me be great. You're going to ruin everything. And so I went to D.C..got a massive headache, and just..didn't want to go back. I didn't want to go back to the uniform, the staying in a building for hours, the zoning myself into my work, the pats on the backs, the mess. I felt like I was doing things for a college application instead of myself. Which is stupid. I know I was doing it for myself. I love 826chi and Young Chicago Authors and all the programs I was in because they were built around an interest that matters to me. I guess I just felt... pretentious and trapped. I needed something new. Is it normal to feel that way? To feel that way with something as important as school? To just brush it off like that? To cease moving forward? Mm..I don't know. I'll be fine. I'll survive. In honor of the wise words once spoken by george lopez " I got this!".
I wonder what I look like to people. I don't worry about it, I'm just curious. I saw Jessica the other day, I showed her some hoop tricks, and she said "you rave too much". If I show someone else, they think "it's so pretty". It was funny because me, jesus, and panda all went to Walgreen the other day because I wanted to buy some gum. We looked at the whole stack of gums they had aligned..there was orbitz, 5 gum, all that. "none of these look appealing to me. I can't blow bubbles with this!" I said lol. I was looking for hubba bubba lol. And where was it located at? With all the kids candy lol..there was a whole bunch of sour fun candy, you know, the kind that makes you think of cavities, and looks like if you eat to much your teeth will decay. I love cartoons. I love hula hooping. I love goofing off. I get amused by things that glow in the dark or are filled with glitter. Mention a spongebob episode and I WILL know what you are talking about. lol..I add lol to things that aren't that funny..I drag to get ready...I love animals. I seriously make connections with them if you give me enough time. I'm down to lend you some books. I used to rave a lot. I used to go to school high all the time. I've even rolled in school...I can have a big mouth at times..I say mean things..I've done some things I'm not proud of..I ditch people...There are so many sides to me..it's fucking crazy. But like my dad says "I ain't no gold coin"...
lol..sssssssssiiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhh.
I guess, in the end, I'm just trying to do the right thing. I don't believe in an absolute right or an absolute wrong, and so it's extremely hard to get to a destination that keeps changing. Once I'm closer, I decide to change routes. I just hope..that in the end...when I finally get there..that I'm happy, people around me are happy, and that everything is okay. That's all I want.
oh, and that I have a dog. :p
and and and lots of band posters.
funny thing that happened this past month:
"I thought you guy were just some lame old hipsters..but you guys are br00tal." - metal kid.
hehehe.. silly... br00tal \m/
I have no idea what I got from all this..I'm just one big old freak guys. Lol. and this big old freak is gonna make breakfast..soo toddles lol :}
June 11, 2012
I've been feeling crazy. Like my minds all scrambled and shooting a million thoughts at me per second and i'm trying to catch them all, sort them out neatly, understand them....but I can't. My mind is a factory that is on the verge of bankruptcy because of how poorly run it is. The foundation of the building is about to crumble, and the people inside it are running out..getting away from the mess that is me, Ely.
And when I beat myself down for it, when I don't trust my thoughts, speak my opinion, or something stupid like that, I think of all the people who have embraced crazy. I think of Alex telling us how it's human..and I'm allowed to be. I think of Chaz running around asking people for free hugs (even the dudes), and I mean EVERYONE -- acquaintances, close friends, best friends -- and how he said "those kids go to my school and they think I'm crazy". Looking back, him with his shirt off, eyes squinting and all, he did look crazy. But a good kind.
And then I think of the ones who shouldn't. The ones who when they talk you wonder where their brain is. Those who can't even express a thought coherently. The ones who have been stripped away - pft - who have stripped themselves away from the person they once were, and now..they're crazy. I had a very sad encounter with someone who I used to be very fond of. The glow he used to emit has now dimmed. It used to consume me and now..there's nothing there. We'd laugh, make jokes, discuss things, and now....it's like he thinks he is an american gangster or something. It's all business and I feel like he's been consumed by greed..I just don't get it. He loved to talk. I wonder if sometimes he feels like his mind feels like mine sometimes. Maybe it did, but instead of being on the verge of destruction, its already fallen to pieces. I miss the kid who used to be extremely thoughtful, who used to just talk to me about anything for hours, who wasn't too cool for cartoons like his friends, who used to reassure me..I felt really safe around him. You know..like, I just felt like this thing we had would be okay. Ugh. It's just so strange because now..that kid is gone. This kid that I used to be so fond of, who I would still have thought is pretty great, is gone. And he started off just as awesome as chaz and alex, if not more.
So what's up with my thoughts? Why have I been treating them this way? Well for one thing, I've been told I can come off too strongly sometimes when I believe in something. I'll start arguing with you if I don't think you're right. And that's a good thing. At least to me. When someone argues with you, they introduce you to new information (whether it's based on some Harvard-prestigious professor, or someone's own experience. they all all valid lol), a new way of thinking, and essentially..challenge you. I end up, after most arguments, with a better understanding on the issue, and a better formed opinion. Some people, however, don't see it that way. They see me as..well, a bitch. "why does she have to come at me like that?". Some respond with "whatever. it's not that big of a deal" or "what does it mean to you" and then I have to explain what it means to me..but people just don't seem to get it. I'm all worked up about this because..I don't know. I don't like coming off as a bitch. It probably hurts me more than it hurts the person I'm arguing with. Yeah, so I don't have people to talk to. And I feel like my brain has gone along time without any stimulation. Like the factory I mentioned, has come to a halt. (everyone is on vacation. woo lol. I kid, I kid.). I've been around "smart kids" or whatever, but I don't know, some come off to me as way too pretentious. The way the name book after book that they've read, list their accomplishments, and all. I wonder if they're smart because they want to be, or because they know they have to. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to be proud of all these things, but don't let that be the only thing that comes out of your mouth. And be humble. Don't judge, and if you do, still accept. And yes, of course, I've encountered some smart kids, that you just never want to stop talking to. The majority, however, based on my experiences, have been assholes.
Back the the main point though, my thoughts. Sometimes..I just feel like I can't formulate any opinion. It's not that I haven't thought of the issue, but I just feel like I don't have sufficient information to make an opinion that's worth discussing. That, or, I don't think anyone has sufficient information. Or I think the issue is too big to pinpoint/narrow it down to a few sentences. I just like to let it linger, because..that's what the issue is doing anyway..if that makes sense.
And you should see just how crazy I feel when it comes to my boyfriend. Well, for one thing, I put up with a lot more than is normal. I didn't think that. It never popped into my head. My friends had to put it there. And I'm so incredibly naive that I don't know what to believe. I just start talking about something..ladidaaa...and my friends stop me all abruptly "wait...you let your boyfriend chill with some girl who came all the way from Chicago to see him? That's not normal Ely. Of course some shit was going to go down." "But..they're good friends" I tell them. "Who am I to keep him away from his friends?". There's no way I'd keep anyone on a leash. I'm way too considerate of their needs and wants. I thought that was normal. And so through the whole time I didn't see him, I thought everyone was fine, because he's not just my boyfriend, he's my friend..that I've known for a long time, and he wouldn't do anything like that. I'm just sure of it.
But that wasn't what happened. Very far from the truth, actually. And I forgave him. Just like that. And I forgave her too, and she hasn't even apologized. Hell, I even took her out to one of my favorite things to do in the summer: the fire jam. The real reason I deleted her blog? Because I felt like that's what I should do..lol. I actually liked reading some of her stuff. I like reading anyone's stuff. lol. I've read Panda's blog post like 4 times because I just..like reading it, I've been on kit's tumblr more than she is probably aware of. Me liking people stuff though..is another story... but really, I know she's human too... I can't help but sympathize. And you might think I hung out with her to see what she's like or whatever, to sabotage or something weird like that, but I had such good intentions. I promise. And I don't know, she was really quiet, and we haven't talked since, so I kind of just brushed it off. Whatever. Done. Yes, it does hurt and it would kill me to see them together, but I don't know. I just can do things like this and be fine with it. I wanted to tell her that things were okay, and that if she ends up with Aaron, well then I guess it's for the greater good because he obviously wanted to be with her or something, and it would really suck for me but hey..in the end I'd come out stronger and life works like that, you know? But Crystal told me not to. That it sounded like I was handing him to her. And so I said nothing. Aaron..remember when you said that I said when couples argue its because they care? Well..I care way more than that. So much to the point that I can't even say anything in protest. It's fucking scary. I'm so immensely attached to you..and it scares the shit out of me. I can't embrace it yet. I don't know what I'm doing with it.
Fuck you though. Really.
No..not really. Not at all, actually.
eww shitty human emotions.
One thing is for sure though, I don't want to ever become those naggy girlfriends. I don't know what I have the right to ask and what I don't. I don't know how anything works because I've never cared this much. I've always just gone along with relationships. As if I were in a boat, chilling, tanning with some shades on, knowing that this whole ride would only be temporarily and I was somewhere sunny and great, with dolphins, like the Bahamas. I always knew that I could get off that boat at any time I wanted. I was never hurt ever. Now, I feel like if I get off that boat, I'll drown.
And so I'm confused. And I shouldn't think this much. But I do. I shouldn't worry, yet here I am.
And I don't tell him anything. Because I know I'm overreacting. When I think of us still being together, despite the distance, how he could be with anyone else if he really wanted to, and all the things that make everything I'm mentioning sound ridiculous, I calm down. I miss you babe. A lot. Don't worry..I won't impose any of my psycho-analyzing on you because I know I'm overreacting. Everything will be okay. They always work out, just like Charlie said. No matter how they end up. When I sang that Johnny Cash song, I meant every single word. It's crazy how much I feel like Cash got it spot on lol. And if you only knew the things I thought about when I sing it.
So yeah, enough of that though. Onward to other things...my family. I keep my most inner emotions locked up, and I seal it with a smile on my face. Or a frown if we're talking about my family. It'll most likely be a frown. I don't know why I'm so nice to everyone, but them. I guess when I say them, I really mean my parents. People say it's okay to not get along with them, because I'm a teen and all and that's what teens do but it's like..how can I preach all these things when I can't even apply them to the two people who matter most? I can say it's because I see them way too much, but that should be even more of a reason to do it. I'm reading this book right now, Siddhartha. It's about this boy who will be a Bahmin, and he brings up a lot of interesting points. How many of the Bahmins, who practice what they preach, do so consciously. They are constantly aware of their actions. What Siddharta wants though, is for it to come naturally. It might sound like he's trying to be divine or whatever..but he's not. He just wants to do something that makes him feel good. It satisfies him. It fills a void. I get it Siddharta..and so you can only imagine how shitty I feel when something goes wrong with my parents. I wish I was closer to my mom, but she's not the kind of person who you can easily have a conversation with. I love her though. Even though bonding usually means watching homicide investigation shows and not speaking a word to another. My dad..don't even get me started...I love him. He's insane. I love it. You would think I would put all of this into prespective when they're asking me to do something. That I'd call, be punctual, do something incredibly awesome for mother and father's day, or for their birthdays or something. I don't though. You would think I would respond to them a little nicer...but I get easily annoyed by them and I can't help but have my tone of voice show that. Things I consider to not be bogus some kids wouldn't even dream of doing to their parents. I remember the first time I realized that I put my parents through a lot. I honestly didn't know. It's just all so strange..so strange..and scrambled in my head...
Oh..and I haven't been to school. I don't know why. Okay, I do know why: I don't like going. People fucking loved me. Loved me. And I screwed it allllll up. I've been the only person to be nominated by three teachers at once for that top of the bull dog thing. I've helped throw birthday parties for my teachers. Mr.Kramer wanted me to be the leader for Maker Faire. I was selected to go to special events and read my poetry for this Zen thing. I got to go to TED when others couldn't. I was one of the two selected to represent 826chi at the Google Headquarters. Things were good. But I lost the zest for life and I felt too caught up in all these fancy little titles and all. It overwhelmed me. I had recognition. Don't tell I'm great, just let me be great. You're going to ruin everything. And so I went to D.C..got a massive headache, and just..didn't want to go back. I didn't want to go back to the uniform, the staying in a building for hours, the zoning myself into my work, the pats on the backs, the mess. I felt like I was doing things for a college application instead of myself. Which is stupid. I know I was doing it for myself. I love 826chi and Young Chicago Authors and all the programs I was in because they were built around an interest that matters to me. I guess I just felt... pretentious and trapped. I needed something new. Is it normal to feel that way? To feel that way with something as important as school? To just brush it off like that? To cease moving forward? Mm..I don't know. I'll be fine. I'll survive. In honor of the wise words once spoken by george lopez " I got this!".
I wonder what I look like to people. I don't worry about it, I'm just curious. I saw Jessica the other day, I showed her some hoop tricks, and she said "you rave too much". If I show someone else, they think "it's so pretty". It was funny because me, jesus, and panda all went to Walgreen the other day because I wanted to buy some gum. We looked at the whole stack of gums they had aligned..there was orbitz, 5 gum, all that. "none of these look appealing to me. I can't blow bubbles with this!" I said lol. I was looking for hubba bubba lol. And where was it located at? With all the kids candy lol..there was a whole bunch of sour fun candy, you know, the kind that makes you think of cavities, and looks like if you eat to much your teeth will decay. I love cartoons. I love hula hooping. I love goofing off. I get amused by things that glow in the dark or are filled with glitter. Mention a spongebob episode and I WILL know what you are talking about. lol..I add lol to things that aren't that funny..I drag to get ready...I love animals. I seriously make connections with them if you give me enough time. I'm down to lend you some books. I used to rave a lot. I used to go to school high all the time. I've even rolled in school...I can have a big mouth at times..I say mean things..I've done some things I'm not proud of..I ditch people...There are so many sides to me..it's fucking crazy. But like my dad says "I ain't no gold coin"...
lol..sssssssssiiiiiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhh.
I guess, in the end, I'm just trying to do the right thing. I don't believe in an absolute right or an absolute wrong, and so it's extremely hard to get to a destination that keeps changing. Once I'm closer, I decide to change routes. I just hope..that in the end...when I finally get there..that I'm happy, people around me are happy, and that everything is okay. That's all I want.
oh, and that I have a dog. :p
and and and lots of band posters.
funny thing that happened this past month:
"I thought you guy were just some lame old hipsters..but you guys are br00tal." - metal kid.
hehehe.. silly... br00tal \m/
I have no idea what I got from all this..I'm just one big old freak guys. Lol. and this big old freak is gonna make breakfast..soo toddles lol :}
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