just got back from my first day on the job of being a stripper. definitely signing up for pole dancing classes ASAP and bass classes..because well, i wanna learn to play bass. the girls there are really nice and we're all here basically for the same thing, money. it pays really well, and really fast, but it's not easy. well, it's not for me right now.
it's taking me a while to get used to the idea of being sexy to a stranger, but it's also allowing me to explore things that interest me a lot more. i like being sexy. i like kinks. i like bodies.
it's really fun to converse with guys..i think that's the best part for me
but then it's like..oh hey? you wanna dance? which pretty much means "hey you want me to shove my boobs in your face and my ass and play with my tits"
of course they do.
it's just funny for me i guess because i've always been more on the cutsey type.
i was talking to this girl, who was really nice and wanted to help me get comfortable with the idea of stripping, and she said that the first time she tried it she was too serious. that people could tell she was uncomfortable.
she's really good at it now! this is my testimonial.
anyway, my problem is that i get too giggly and i start to want to make jokes.
this is my nature. even when i'm argueing with someone, i just start to laugh, because life just seems so ridiculous to me.
but i can't do that now.
i have to make money.
my first table dance was to this guy. he was overweight and was in the corner.
he really liked my dance, he said, but i felt horrible about it.
it sucks because i wonder what stripping does to guys. i can't help but feeling bad after i was done with that dance because i really hope that guy is with someone and i really hope that although his wife doesn't look like a skinny "exotic dancer if you will" that he still really loves her, you know?
but even if i wasn't stripping, i know that the norm idea of beauty will still perpetuate itself through everything else..commercials..billboards..blah..so why not make money for something i can't change?
that my friends is what i call an excuse.
i get too invested in my clients. it sucks.
i refused to give this one guy a dance because we talked for too long and when the conversation started to fall flat i decided i didn't want to do it even though i was later told he wanted a dance becaause..well...i don't know..
anyway, i know i'll get over it..and i know i'll just start having fun at the job..
and STOP THINKING ABOUT THE POSSIBLE EFFECTS STRIP CLUBS HAVE ON SOCIETY
ELY THAT PROBLEM IS BIGGER THAN YOU
 SO STOP
it's really nice making guys cheese up over you.

i've been meeting some interesting people lately. the girls there are reaaaallly sweet. also, on thursday we're having a killer fest thing or whatever, and i'll get to meet people who do bondage and all kinds of weird sexual shit. i'm excited because i want to be exposed to all kinds of sexual stuff and one day know that i've experienced a lot of different heights of ecstasy because i worked for it..lol..

sexual moves aside...there is nothing there.
i just really can't wait to use these moves on aaron. heheheheh. there some sexual moves..and than theres some intimacy.


funny: boyfriends of "entertainers" are not allowed in the club. haha..funny right? ^-^
i had to sign a contract for that.

awesome: i can make 50,000 annually if i continue to do this. do you know what i'm thinking?
traveling!!!!!!! and school!! and clothes!!
weird how much money enables people to do things.
when i was in high school i was like "i don't need money. i have everything i need"
LOL
oh how the tables have turned..

i've seen so many tits and asses today. pretty awesome.
i don't think this objectives woman (i'm speaking for myself)
but just kind of makes it like...yeah..we have these bodies...lets be comfortable as shit with them.
i don't care if you see me..i don't care if i see you..
there is definitely a sisterly bond at the admiral..it's what i like the most about it i think.

 oh and btw, my stripper name is Rose.
for now anyway.
don't really like it.
i was gonna get called Luna
but it's too close to Lana
so...fuck.

Watt: What's the story: "Don't Try"? Is it from that piece he wrote?
Linda: See those big volumes of books? [Points to bookshelf] They're called Who's Who In America. It's everybody, artists, scientists, whatever. So he was in there and they asked him to do a little thing about the books he's written and duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. At the very end they say, is there anything you wanna say, you know, what is your philosophy of life, and some people would write a huge long thing. A dissertation, and some people would just go on and on. And Hank just put, "Don't Try." Now, for you, what do you think that means?
Watt: Well for me it always meant like be natural.
Linda: Yeah, yeah.
Watt: Not like...being lazy!
Linda: Yeah, I get so many different ideas from people that don't understand what that means. Well, "Don't Try? Just be a slacker? lay back?" And I'm no! Don't try, do. Because if you're spending your time trying something, you're not doing it..."DON'T TRY."

there are a lot of things that love is and isn't and i'm not quite sure exactly what they are, but i came across this and i can't help but wholeheartedly agree. if you know anything about me, then you know that that is a very unusual thing.

love is endless forgiving. 

I am obsessed with biographies

especially autobiographies. i like to think of some songs as snippets of autobiographies.

beatles fan until the skin my tattoos inked in perishes

the world is flat.

i start work in a few hours. i pass flyers out to people in wicker park for the time being and then I'll become a waitress once Ulysses is done fixing up the restaurant downstairs. I've been thinking a lot about what I have to do. I hung out with an old friend of mine yesterday and it was really nice. I talked to her and I expressed my concerns with how trusting of the world she was, because I'm the same way. It's hard for us to say no. But lately, things have been happening to her and me that have caused us to distance ourselves from things. I'm not friends with someone I thought I'd be friends with for a long time because she's just not a good influence and she's stolen from both me and her. As far as stealing goes, it's hard to prove that, but I just don't even want to have suspicion when it comes to a friend, you know what i mean? Before, my thinking was...well...if I stop hanging out with this person, then I'll miss out on good times, but was completely oblivious of that fact that she was creating bad ones and I was making way for her to perpetuate that by keeping her in my life. It's time to say no.
Anyway, after that good talk, we went out to eat with her dad, her boyfriend, and a friend of the fam. It was really nice. The food was really good. And boy, can her dad talk politics. I mean really. His eyes are very wide and he talks fast. I like it.
I've only been allowing certain people into my life and have now been creating my own rules and actually listening to them. It's been working out for me, but let's just hope I can stick to this. I don't regret the crazy times I had before I changed my way of thinking. They were just so fun. But if I were to do them now, I don't think they would be.
Well, gotta go to work soon. 

 words and thoughts fascinate me. although i acknowledge the fact that they were useless (as bukowski has previously stated), but even so, i still think they're important.
there are certain things i read that make me feel better when i read them.
here's a list
1)   http://www.fringemagazine.org/lit/nonfiction/all-speaking-was-like-singing-a-literacy-autobiography/

This will be the room of many hours. Color out and over the white noise electric hum. The bad dreams of my memory, what I’ll have to do. If writing isn’t written out of desperation, I’m not sure I’ll ever have any interest in reading it, I thought once in a colorless sick room. But I couldn’t paint over, and so I wanted to sing. I wanted to make sounds out of the soundless atmosphere, but someone had already done that. In the country there was a bird, the move of leaves, the rumble of faraway jets. I could sing over, but there wasn’t any other beauty and the city, any city is imbued with the music I want to become. I decided to make music out of my tongue’s translation to a story. The story of a thousand broken film reels. The fractured lens, broken canvas, the breaking of the already broken–daylight breaking would be what it is always–solid as a Picasso, then the impressionistic blot of a lover’s fingers stretching into the chords of me that make me sing. The precious things. What I want to say before the saying is done.

I don’t remember when I started to read. I don’t remember much at all, really. The story goes, I’m told, like this: my thirty-year-old mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and two weeks later was in a wheelchair. A couple of months later, she went into the nursing home. I don’t remember this. I don’t remember her. And I don’t remember when I learned to read. I suppose reading was this. When she went away, my father said I never stopped playing. I never stopped, never blinked, but something started. The hunger for color. A sense of urgency. Emergency.

All life and love was brittle in between my teeth and tongue: there was a word for this I didn’t know. I took time in stride like so many communion wafers, waiting for enough words to change the world. I was six and I liked God then, prayed long diatribes to a deaf sky over our pasture, stretching grey gone wild and so I was because I had legs and arms and knew how to dance, laugh, scream, fight–this language was the love of life, and I was living every touch of sunset screaming and God this is God the God is so beautiful in the—

I am eight years old and I don’t know what I’m writing. There is writing—I can’t stop. My father stops by my room to replace the typewriter ribbon, but I don’t know what I’m doing, there’s just this fun thing to do in the country where there is no TV and when I’m bored the world goes still and when I’m still, it’s not enough.

I am twelve years old and it is Christmas. I’m in the nursing home, wrapping paper scattered across my mother’s hospital bed. “Open another one, babe” she urges me, and so I do, smiling, gratefully and guiltily. “Just like you asked for.” And the paperbacks with the glistening colors, fuchsia, blues, they smell like progress. My grandmother, who has done the shopping for her this year, and every year, hunches over the bed, gathering scotch-taped wrappings in her rheumatoid arms. What the books are and were are not important, and as an author, I can tell you now: they may or may not have featured certain sun-dappled suburban twins with Anglo-aquamarine eyes and a perfect size six. I would come to learn three years later, I was not one of those girls, never would be one of those girls, and at sixteen, I no longer wanted to.

I want another hour of Lights-On and I am five years old. “Lights-On” is what happens when my father reads the ‘miles to go before we sleep’ song and the story of Goodnight Moon. When lights are off, the reading stops and I say, goodnight moon. Tomorrow there will be lights on again. Until goodnight again, the world dreams because I dream.

I am eighteen and not in love yet, because being in love is a lot like language, and there isn’t a single word, but a series of sounds and that is all and all is one.

I am in love with The Bell Jar and I am sixteen. This is probably a good thing, because I haven’t changed my clothes in a series of days and the sky has stopped speaking. Something starts. Sylvia Plath is the sound of sad, “the sound of colossal things breaking” dad says to me as he hands it to me, knowing I’m already written for.

At eighteen, I’m going to college and I am scared that I am dumb. The future goes something like this: I will get an associate degree if I don’t fail math and science and will do copyediting at the Saratogian newspaper. I’ll edit adds for four-wheelers and prosthetic limbs and work my way up to the Local. But as a first-year English Major, this is what I get: Virginia Woolf, Toni Morrison, lightning storms that make me cry. And now it won’t stop raining: Carole Maso is water down the face of my greatest love. “Viciousness in the kitchen, the potatoes hiss” is inscribed on the collages I build and build along the walls of my dorm room, dumb girl murals on every inch because there couldn’t be any white. The future goes something like this:

All day, I was writing. All night, I was reading. Early morning, I was dancing, reaching hands higher into the neon strobe lights in Bacardi nights of being twenty-one and untouchable by every midnight. I wake to paper, and instead of a poem, I put Dear Mom, I miss you. And this is the past: I am eleven years old and feeding my mother. It is lunchtime. There isn’t any past. I am always here with the spoon half raised in the air because it is a bad day; she is trembling; there isn’t an orderly in sight. My light is wincing from her pain, how embarrassed she is that I should even have to try. My ribcage is holding my heart in place. We’re alive. There is music everywhere.

The horns outside reach through my windows and I am twenty-five, a poet living in a shit-for-nothing shack. I smoke too much, I swear too much, I’m too gay, I’m beautiful. My mirrors are covered with lines from Neruda, my walls with poems from friends. The radio is always on and I’m dancing. My hair is pink and I am singing. I’m in love with my dreams last night; I’m broken by my dreams last night; the phone rings and it’s not my friends, the phone rings and it’s not a friend, there isn’t any, only this–the static of the phone, my father asking if I am okay, the city sheds its skin and splits in half in the palm of this receiver, and for a moment there is nothing–no car, no touch, no breath or earth and she is gone and I am young and my weeping body is a wanting word: a variation on the concept of a song.

Everything is permanent because nothing is permanent.
And this, the only way.

2)  “It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.”  - George Harrison

3) “The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly colored and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." - Bill Hicks

I really don't think there's much to life besides art and music. Every time I think of someone who majors in something outside of it, like math, I always think of them as characters in a story. You can't escape it, in my mind. I really think we're all books trying to find someone who understands our language.
I think math, science, english, they all do the same thing, although they're very different. to me, it's a matter of what causes more enjoyment. what's worth fighting for.
I read my first Kurt Vonnegut book the other day, and no it wasn't slaughter house 5. It was Cat's Cradle.
See the cat? See the cradle? It was a very interesting book because it explored the idea of religion, truth, good/bad, and science. This man was obsessed with truth and so he became a scientist and throughout his whole career, I don't think he believed a damned thing.
It's funny..the idea of exploring things. It reminds me of what Nicholas Gurewitch wrote to me in a letter when I asked him if he ever felt like a puppeteer of words, sounds, and thoughts. People are these covers and you interpret them whichever way you want depending on what you've been through. He said that how people are represented continues to fascinate him and that it's a question he plans to explore through his life. I just think it's funny that he didn't really give me a set answer or even try to and i think it's because him and me both know that there isn't one. God, what a guy. I knew I'd like him. With comics like the ones he makes, it's hard not to. I can just tell what he's thinking. That's why I think his comics are so funny. He's a thinker alright. Which is the best kind of people.
Which reminds me, rolling back into Cat's Cradle", of when this girl told a scientist "you think too much" and he replied "we all do the same amount of thinking. I just happen to be thinking of something else". something like that. It was interesting that there were people who worked in this science facility or whatever it was, and still managed to have faith. No facts were needed. Nothing to be tested, experimented on, just an insane trust in something that cannot be proven. I think one of my favorite parts of the book is when the scientists asks this girl "tell me anything you think is true and I'll disprove it" and so she says "god is love" in which he replies "what is god?" "what is love?"..
I recommend the read and I won't say more because I don't want to give more away.
I've been obsessing with fashion as of lately. It's pretty pathetic. But it's hard to argue that it doesn't matter, because it does. I guess it doesn't if you're in love or whatever, but it certainly does make an impact, I think. It's a very hard topic for me to talk about, because well, I never thought I'd be the kind to pay any attention to it.
I'm learning to accept the fact that a part of me has died. I've gotten through another phase. (remember, I hate that word.)I think at my core, I've always been a nerd and I will always be one. I've quit pot for a year and I'm deciding to take more initiative in my life; stop being so goddamn idle. it doesn't feel right, although i don't regret the time already spent because i've had some very enjoyable moments. i really can't wait to get this stupid tattoo off my neck. it really was a wake up call. it shed some light on the direction that i'm headed and where i want to be. i'm changing course.
i am fucking malliable.

what's this?

 i need to get rid of this tattoo ASAP.-sigh- i'm so bad with decisions and money.

chelsea wolfe concert

was fun. bottom lounge has been checked off my lists of venues to go to. she's really something. i tired a special cookie for the first time ever and it was AWESOME.

identity problems

who the fuck am i

"The World is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real, because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round, and it has thrills and chills and is very brightly colored, and it's very loud. And it's fun, for a while.

Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they've begun to question, 'Is this real, or is this just a ride?', and other people have remembered, and they've come back to us and they say 'Hey, don't worry. Don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.' and we KILL THOSE PEOPLE.

"Shut him up! We have alot invested in this ride! SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account, and my family. This just has to be real."

It's just a ride.

But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that. You ever noticed that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because ... It's just a ride.

And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear wants you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead see all of us as one." - Bill Hicks

 i guess i'll die with a smile on my face afterall.

                                      

gasping...dying..but somehow, still alive.

 

I am sick and I am dull and I am plain

how deeearly I'd love to get carried awaaay

little kids are awesome lol

It's funny because now that I finally let all that out, I'm still confused. I don't mean half the things I say. I do at the time though.

I was watchin a paul McCartney concert with adam and pedro and that thing scared the shit out of me. everyone seemed fucking crazy lol.
and adam was like "look it's Paul McCartney's business"

I just felt like sharing that.

I don't think there is anything wrong with that...
but it's tickles my brain or whatever.

I try to make things the same and get anxious that they are the same and then get anxious because I wish things were different.
it's okay if i'm the only one that understands that.

wtf should I wear today

sometimes I feel like an accumulation of everything I've heard before.

Well, I've been reading a lot about the fifty years since the Second World War, about Western foreign policy and all that. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes I just think that there's no hope.

Thom Yorke

 

This makes me feel a bit more sane.

I really need to read the giving tree.

I wonder who I'll fall in love with next.

maybe the same person or maybe not.

I guess I shouldn't think about it but I guess it's oaky if I'm not too worried about it. I'm just approaching this with curiosity more than anything else.

I'm a little annoyed by how much I love Paul.

I wish I could explain myself better.
god, I wish I could write like Bukowski. Lol
Well, not really lol.
I'm just saying that to articulate how much I love his writing..

he's just so fucking funny.
and real.

I hope you understand what I mean.

it's definitely time to buy
"woman."
definitely time.

fuck the agony and the ecstasy lol
i'm sure it's great, but I didn't crave it like I thought I did.

family is nice.

something i wrote last night.

"life is just a huge conversation. what are you going to say next?"

lol

hooping is fun because you don't really think.
adam says I should try to meditate because it seems like I never turn my thoughts off.
I have a whole book on meditation, but I read the first chapter and it was just talking about how good the book is and how much it is going to help me. it's about 20 chapters long.
i guess maybe i shouldn't have given up on it so easily, but honestly, i don't know.

I'm just trying to make sense of everything, but I should probably stop that too lol.
Expression is sort of becoming just like everything else because I feel like I've been abusing it.

"So ultimately, it's idealistic to think that artists are able to step away from the power of the media and the way it controls things, and go on doing their own things"

wtf ar eyou saying thom yorke
i don't know.
i kind of get it
but it makes me sad
but i get it

yesterday was so weird.
i'm really glad i had adam and pedro there.
especially adam.
his presence is so calming for me and I guess it's because he never says anything
I guess it's more than that but I can't explain it
i wish i could write down how i felt about it, all the things i've seen.... but that' s impossible.
i'm scared shitless of everything lol..
despite being so judgmental on myself, i hope never to be that way toward another person. i hope I never to let my emotions cloud how i feel. well that sounds stupid doesn't it lol..
i wonder what i'm going to do with myself. it's very thrilling and i enjoy all parts of my life, from the times that i hate everyone to the times that i love everyone to the times where i'm just like..okay.  lol...


"nothing is permanent because everything is permanent"


hmm hmmm hmm hmmmm
mhmhmhmhmhmhhmmhh

despite everything that was said, i'm totally gonna do my English class lol.
I mean wtf, I need to graduate.
i'd be stupid not to.

lol everything just seems to making me laugh now.

look a bear
http://wgntv.com/2013/05/28/talented-bear-plays-trumpet-performs-somesault-and-hula-hoops/#luDjdJpDyfDKhxjR.01

it's strange that I feel happy now lol..

I guess I still am very self-assured in the sense that I am self assured about not being self assured lolol. I just have to not lie to myself and not freak out and everything will be okay, because everything is always okay some way or another.

outsiders, what do you see?

I really really fucking hate school.

i need to calm down.

I just wish there were absolutes.

everything is so on the surface
and i'm disappointed in myself

lmfao.

my sister: "ely are you okay? open the door"
me: "Yeah i'm okay leave me alone!!"
my sister: "fuck you then!! I'm gonna stop being nice to people"

lmao. wow it was good to laugh like that.

i really love panda.
thank god I can blow up her phone and she sees it as me really wanting something and not being annoying and she gets me. she really does..
I go through phases.
I still don't like that word.
fuck.

having standards really confuses me.

i just feel so alone..

so out of touch with everything...

i don't know how to make myself feel better.

i guess this is why no matter how much I've tried to convince myself that i'm happy
i still feel like shit at the core of everything

therapy.

i get misinterpreted so much.
fuck. i should probably stop going.
it's a waste of time.
clara left and now i have a new therapist
and it just all seems like the same again

i just want comfort guys.
i don't really seem to get it anywhere.

i feel like a fucking idiot. lol.
i should just be okay with that too
that i'll be oen for the rest of my life
but so will everyone else
sort of

adam totally tripped me out yesterday lol..
i really needed that though..
i really needed to step back and question what the fuck it was all about
lol...
god what a fucking joke.

the only thing we really have is love i think.
and even at that...
who knows?
i sure as hell fucking don't.

what am i supposed to do
what am i supposed to do
what am i supposed to do

i'm really fucking conflicted.

i just feel like never saying a word again and just running off the be a mime somewhere
but what the fuck ely
i just feel like hanging out with tim and having him play guitar and singing along
but what the fuck ely
i just feel like hanging out with panda
that sounds good
but she's working two fucking jobs
i just feel like hanging out with Allyson
but i don't wnt to get in the way of her decisions
i know how hard she's trying too
i just feel like hanging out with yerika
but that's not going to happen

i don't know if it sounds like i need saving or rescuing or something.
i don't.
i just want to complain..
let me be negative lol..

i keep thinking about what Morrissey said. how we're all solitary creatures.
i guess it's true.
ro some extent

whatever i'm just going to not think

two more weeks. two more weeks.

i have something to admit today. I've always been really scared of looking up at the stars. I hate how small it makes me feel, like the world is just about to chew me up and spit me back out. Every time I look at the stars, what Corey said at writing camp about the night sky being a fucking blanket with dots poked into them or whatever but she said it real poetic like.  I always think of that. And I always think hm..maybe I'm missing out on something if I don't see it. BUt I don't fucking see it. God writing camp was such a weird time. The best part was the bus ride back to the airports. I always think of the quote some dude said about knowing nothing but stars and wonder or whatever. And I think...Sure. Anyway, today I looked at them and took them in and I wasn't scared. That sounds so incredibly stupid, but it's true lol. Make of it what you want. It was pretty awesome...lol. The whole thing..

fuck I don't know about this creative writing bullshit.
i'm really terrified

and i hate how predictable i am

somethings wrong

let's see what happens.

control.

The bookmarks on my laptop are making me fucking depressed.

I feel like bashing on myself............. I don't know why that will just make me feel good.

my music seems passed around.
it has no value.
I don't understand learning to play an instruments.
all I will ever have is potential it seems.
I lack discipline in everything, even in something you would think I would love.
I don't know what to do with all these books, they seem to be mocking me at times
I don't trust anyone.
I wish I could just disown all of what I am at times and just take a break
I need some time to think here
Art is a fucking joke
just like everything else
Music is nice sometimes..just like everything else..except for maybe murder or whatever..and even at that...
I'm not going to change the world most likely
well at least that's how if eel now.
Compliments make me nervous
I'm confused by everyone and everything.
I don't feel like buyin anything on fucking etsy anymore.
it's stupid to be surrounded by the things you love
too much
I guess
life is about a balance
and here it ends with some hippie bullshit once more...
I'll be positive so I guess I'll take it
I haven't whole-heartingly done and said things as of late that I could really understand
ALl I'm glad is that I did what I did today and I don't know what I did really. Just gave myself time to think. 
I'm tired of reading this fuckin poetry. I'm tired of these fucking questions. I'm tired of this music being passed around and finding comfort in a stability that doesn't exist. ,I'm tired of myself and I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. My reading online classes. Great. We're analyzing Kite Runner. Awesome.

I need to find somewhere within school that will make me feel comfortable.
Or maybe just have better endurance
Or maybe try to accept it..but that didn't work ely..or just maybe not say anything..but that's not fun...but after it's not so much fun either.

I feel so fuckin stupid. I really do. And that's because I am. but I don't thnk there is anything wrong with that. It just depends on what kind of stupid you are..and even then..I'd still probably give you a cookie.

me & my fucking cookies

My room looks like a fuckin mess all the time because I don't think I'll ever be happy with how anything is ever. 
i'm not artistic, just overly dramatic and anxious.

fuck the dictionary. haven't opened that bitch in forever.

I don't know why I'm so worked up about this but this is what is coming out.

I'm scared of just becoming a hoarder

thins make sense and I want them to stay that way but I should listen to my own advice that everything is contextual

why do I want thins to stay that way? For a false sense of comfort? Ohh yes, I'm definitely in line for that one..


I really want to destroy everything that I am.
You can take Ghandi with you too...
and all the things I've laughed at that I've only half understood or times where blahh

I'm sick of this zodiac shit too.
I'm sick of tattoos
No I am not sick of Toby lol
and I am even sick of The Beatles
I just don't want to listen to them right now

Why do I feel so trapped all the time
maybe it's because I trap myself
I drown myself in my own thoughts
oh there I go personifying things again..aren't I such a riot...

tonight I got exactly what I needed. tonight I drove around aimlessly with a friend and we hardly spoke a word to each other. tonight I got exactly what I needed.

let's hope I stay this way, but I know I won't.

I'm not gonna lie though. Schindler's theme is totally playing in my head and I'm really digging it despite everything.

it's been hard to do anything with my journal lately..
I have another one..and while I'm very happy abut the new addition..I'm also really overwhelmed..

sometimes I say things to be nice but i'm thinking now that I just might look like an idiot and maybe it's just best to stay quiet and wait.

i'm extremely overwhelmed

I'd just like to go to sleep now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rytF2ST8-2I

i've said so much i feel all that is left to do is shout...

and some 13 year old reads this and says it in a funny voice and the world is funny again.........blaaaaah

i guess i overdid it with the whole violin thing. i guess i've been in school too long or something. i don't fucking know.

It's weird when a song can soothe you and you look at what it saying and you wonder why those words soothe you and it baffles you but at the same time are happy that it does and come to accept it. better yet, embrace it.
music can mend things you're unaware of.
that's fucking magic.

of course, I have to thank Paul here.
He's who I was thinking of when I wrote that.
I love you Paul.
I really do.

"Ram on..
give you're heart to somebody
soon..
right away...
right away..."

I don't think my interpretation coincides with the top comment though.

what is it that I'm hearing?

I don't know.

I don't know what I'd do if I were to ever meet you. I think about it all the time. I think i'd just really like a hug. I think that would say everything.

I don't know what it is about him.

Yeah, you're definitely my favorite beatle.
I'm saying this with tears streaming down my face and I don't know why that is.
It must sound crazy to you guys and cheesy, but this is genuine.
I guess it's an overwhelming appreciation that I feel.

Tonight is going to be nice.

"hands across the water
hands across the sky"

I think he says heads, but I like hands better.

This song has hit the spot today too:
Paul :) <3

I wish my violin string didn't break today.

I hope they have a guitar.

i hate parties.

sorry guys. i'm straying away from tonight's plan.

I know you guys will understand my need for intimacy.

I should probably get ready and stuff

Tim:

Baby Im amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe Im afraid of the way I love you
Baby Im amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
Hung me on a line
Maybe Im amazed at the way I really need you

Baby Im a man and maybe Im a lonely man
Whos in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Baby Im a man and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby wont you help to me understand

 

 

 

 

I think Paul knew what he was doing.

 

It's so hard for me to write a letter to Paul.

One day.

I have a feeling it'll be when I'm in college, 3A.M, out of state somewhere.

Anyway, I'm listening to the album Ram, and Paul has a song on it called "dear boy" and the opening lines are "I guess you never knew dear boy what you have found I guess you never knew dear boy that she was the cutest thing around..I guess you never knew dear boy that love was there"
It's interesting because can you really blame someone for not knowing?
That being said, can you really blame the girl for not forgiving?

Maybe I'm a bit too understanding.

Like I said, things are contextual and there are millions of lenses to look at life from.

It sucks that having positive qualities to an extreme can actually be pretty negative.

I just found out not too long ago that my friend's Aumi's house got broken into and stolen. She's one of the nicest persons I know and it doesn't make sense for something like that to happen to her. I guess when you put the whole world in perspective, it does.
I can't believe that happened..

sadness possesses me.

I LOST MY PAUL MCCARTNEY RING.
It might not sound like much to you, but it's a tragedy for me.
My only hope is that whoever finds it loves Paul McCartney as much as I do.
Once it happened, I thought of the bracelet I now own and how it once belonged to a former Parul McCartney fan too.
The good news is I can just buy a new one. Etsy has a ton of rings.
The bad news is I'll have to wait a while until I can look down and see Paul McCartney's beautiful face wherever I go.
It's nice to be surrounded by the things you love.

sound is just a variation of feeling

my finger hurts from hitting down so much on strings.
it's a good kind of pain.

everything has been very tranquil as of late, very muted, very subtle...

it's very soothing/calming.

Painting feels really good..

I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

musicans, artists, and writers: the best medicine.

I think the way you address alienation in your music really resonates with your fans. Do you think a certain degree of loneliness enriches our lives? Is it OK, or even good, to feel alone?
Everyone is, in fact, alone. Being contractually tied to another person—in marriage, for example—accentuates the loneliness, because you have effectively allowed the state to determine your obligations to someone, as if you can’t trust and manage your own feelings by yourself. Anyway, I see humans as essentially solitary creatures, and this is not changed by surrounding ourselves with others, because they too are solitary. Life is a very serious business for the simple reason that nobody dies laughing.

Many of your lyrics deal with self-preservation in a world that can sometimes be less than gentle. You strike a balance between acknowledging personal hardship and pain and fiercely appreciating beauty. What helps you to see the loving and good parts of life during tough times?
If I feel it, then others surely must. That’s the only thought that sustains me.

What would you like to achieve, as a person and an artist, in the years to come?
I have no vision of the future. I never have. There is nothing to consider other than today. I’m saving tranquility for when I’m dead.

If you could tell your teenage self one thing, what would it be?
I am still my teenage self. If you think that we all step through a door marked Adult, or that we sign a Grown-Up Document, you’re quite wrong. We remain as we always were, and that, alas, is one of life’s many nasty tricks

Guess who?
Morrissey.

The more I see the less I know
The more I like to let it go hey oh
Wooooaaah

Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow

Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go

interesting word:

cognitive dissonance

Definition
anxiety that is the result of a difference between what a person does and what a person believes

I can watch and can't take part

where I end and where you start.


I don't really like this song, but I appreciate these lyrics.

PERSPECTIVE IS EVERYTHING.

 

I wonder why some people can't sing. Or think they can't.

when words fail music speaks.

http://grooveshark.com/#!/artist/Schindler+s+List/73331
listen to the first song.
"theme from schindler's list".

I had the pleasure of attending Schurz's chamber concert where this song was beautifully played; so beautifully played that it brought me to tears.
The beginning of today's concert made me forget everything, forget I was human, forget all the triavalities that comes with it, and the sounds and the emotions dripping completely carried me away.
I love when musicians sway with their instruments, like they're intwined with it.
I started thinking about what Bukowski said "mozart dead but his music very much alive.."
I started thinking about what Paul McCartney said about Beethoven. People told him that he wouldn't like him because it was "high class stuff" and sooner or later he finally realized it's all the same. And that's a very beautiful thing. I hope you understand what he meant. He's not at all putting them on the same level, just saying the do the same thing.

It's interesting to note that what you see isn't always what's there. People are seeping with things that we cannot hear, see, or touch.  I watched a girl sing her heart out and man did she have a voice. It was like every word she said was coming out directly from her heart, tugging on my heart strings.

I heard a pianoist play a song beautifully. I've always really admired the piano, but I would never play it. I don't like the movement of it. I don't get it. It doesn't move me (in more ways than one). I love the sounds, just not the movement. It's important to love both if you're going to try to play an instrument, I think.

I really needed this.

I just don't understand how people can say art and music are unneccessary.
I don't think I ever will.

Cracked eggs, dead birds Scream as they fight for life I can feel death, can see its beady eyes All these things into position All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again And fade out again Immerse your soul in love Immerse your soul in love

(she had a certain warmth to her. It was like she wasn't always  thinking about being a woman - Ham On Rye by: Bukowski)

a story everyone can learn from.

Two jumps in a week I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy? Flying on your motorcycle Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition Kill yourself to never, ever stop You broke another mirror You're turning into something you are not Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Drying up in conversation You'll be the one who cannot talk All your insides fall to pieces You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you When you think you've got the world all sussed out They're the ones who'll spit at you You'll be the one screaming out Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Oh, it's the best thing that you ever had The best thing that you ever, ever had It's the best thing that you ever had The best thing you have had has gone away
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry Don't leave me high Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

I was talking to Allyson and she told me the story of her sister and how she was very much in love, but when her lover proposed she declined. I think she thought independence and freedom was more valuable than love.
She wishes she would have said yes now, but it's too late.
and there is nothing worse than too late.

At the same time, I can't help but wonder if this was the right decision, although it doesn't seem that way to her anymore.
What if's can really kill you.

I can't wait to meet her sister.



"You want me?

I'll be waiting

with nothing
nothing..nothing

You want me?

then come on and break the door down
I'm ready..I'm ready...I'm ready.."
-Talk Show Host Radiohead.

bell rung. I'm out..

I think the most important thing about music is the sense of escape.

Thom Yorke

One of the interesting things here is that the people who should be shaping the future are politicians. But the political framework itself is so dead and closed that people look to other sources, like artists, because art and music allow people a certain freedom.

Thom Yorke

I think no artist can claim to have any access to the truth, or an authentic version of an event. But obviously they have slightly better means at their disposal because they have their art to energize whatever it is they're trying to write about. They have music.
Thom Yorke

Being in a band turns you into a child and keeps you there.

Thom Yorke

(This made me happy to read more than anything. For him, not for anyone else)

It is difficult to make political art work.

Thom Yorke
(It's interesting that he feels this way)

Sometimes the nicest thing to do with a guitar is just look at it.
Thom Yorke

Music is more difficult - try naming a political band. The Dead Kennedys. The Dead Kennedys are political, but they are more funny than they are political.
Thom Yorke

(another interesting thing said)

People in bands don't have the kind of conversations people might think they have. The best things about being in a band are the things that are unsaid.
Thom Yorke

So ultimately, it's idealistic to think that artists are able to step away from the power of the media and the way it controls things, and go on doing their own things.
Thom Yorke

Well, I've been reading a lot about the fifty years since the Second World War, about Western foreign policy and all that. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes I just think that there's no hope.
Thom Yorke

Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don’t have that many good years left in me.

"The freakiest thing about all of this, is the idea that you would be one of those bands to somebody. That in itself is the reason to keep going. The rest is bullshit."

 

my favorite song to hoop to.

I slip away I slipped on a little white lie
We've got heads on sticks You've got ventriloquists We've got heads on sticks You've got ventriloquists
Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed (do you see it like I do?)
Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed Standing in the shadows at the end of my bed
The rats and children will follow me out of town The rats and children follow me out of their homes Come on kids

escape.

A good book.
Radiohead.
"I'll hit the bottom and..escape..escape.." - Weird Fishes Radiohead.
It's interesting to note that all of radiohead's lovely music has been written for one person: his wife, Rachel Owen. (who happens to be an amazing photographer)
Radiohead again.
(angry) Poetry.
Parks to read in and be read to.
A handful of good people who can drift me into another world for a moment by their words, their sounds, theirselves.
Hooping to Radiohead.
Finding flow.
Marijuana.


Today, I just want to lay down on the grass and know nothing but the words being said to me.
Today, I am going to do this.

I've been in a haze as of late.
I don't have much to say, just much to see, much to take in.


"Trapped doors that open
I spiral down

you're living in a fantasy world


I'm lost at sea...
Don't bother me....
I've lost my way
I've lost my way"

"you're living in a fantasy world.
such a beautiful world"

- In Limbo by Radiohead (Kid A)

fond but not in love.

As of late, the whole idea of romance has been bogging me down; wearing me out as much as the idea itself. It's not so much the person, I think..it's the idea. Everything feels like a pattern..seemingly the same...and as if there is no escape, no substance, and with that being said, no reason to worry about anything. I guess I'm just thinking about it so much because it's something i've been feeling for quite some time and I finally feel OK enough to voice it and I'm a little surprised at myself for feeling this way.
When I start talking about my romances, you know there is something wrong. It's funny because on the surface I'm talking about how good it is, but if I have to talk about how good it is, it means I'm probably trying to convince myself. The complexity of my nature is quite insane. I'm a little all over the place.
Lately, I've been valueing friendship a lot more. I've found that the people I miss are Panda & Allyson. These are the only people I have genuinely enjoyed my time with and have thought to myself "it feels to be alive". I don't know why this it, but it is.

This being said, I'm not being a negative nancy or even a pessimist or anything, I'm just being honest.

"love has a nasty habit of dissapearing over night" - Paul Lol. (I'm looking through you)
That being said, it can return just as fast.
Every day, second, moment, minute, hour, matters..except when it doesn't.

Anyway. TWO.MORE.WEEKS.TWO.MORE.WEEKS.

and then my life really begins.

Btw guys, a word of advice:
The best way for a relationship to end is to be completely self-assured of who you are and what you are capable of and acknowledging the fact that life has its twists and turns and some things end to make way for better ones. All you need is patience and self-assurance and you'll be good.

I think it's important to add that I'm not sad, although I feel this...feeling..looming. I'm just bland and I need to shake things up a bit.

or as Morrissey would put it:
"I am sick and I am dull and I am plain
How dearly I'd love to get carried away...."

I need to do something.

but nothing gets in the way of something

nothing..get lost..lol
and now we'll have lost and nothing and we can throw a party and forget for a bit.
what?

joking.


"you're as young as the last time you changed your mind" - Timothy Leary

Recently, I've been thinking about how it's too hard to implement things because of x and y and z and his cousin too.
I don't like this kind of thinking because I think it's turning me into a person who is loosing her faith and hope in change and settling down for something that is less than what is deserved.
Now, this of course, is in reference to change on a large scale..
I don't know if certain things will happen, but I support it and I hope it will.

I remember when I was twelve years old and I would cry to the quote "never make someone your everything because once they're gone you're left with nothing".
It's interesting to  note how that makes me laugh now.

I think it's impossible to make someone your world.
How can someone be your world when there is so much more going on outside of them?
I guess what they mean is that there isn't. That day in and day out you see the same person and do the same things and feel the same feelings until someone says there is nothing left to feel and they walk out.
isn't that the worst? when relationships turn dull and bland. I think I rather have a relationship end in an argument than have a relationship end dull and blandly. I just feel it's distasteful. I like feeling emotions to their fullest degree.
Most of my relationships have ended dull and blandly, for me anyway.  And I don't say that condescendingly, I mean that honestly.

I'm proud of myself for staying home today and deciding to do homework.
^-^
I had a brief amount of fresh air to breathe today with Tim, Jason, Will, and Allyson. It was nice.

an interesting conversation, I think, I really love my friends, but we all seem a bit depressed.
We have happy exteriors.

 

F:

my soul hurts

 

10:02pm

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Ely Barajas

mine does too

I feel it's because i'm after an escape that doesn't exist

 

 F

what do u mean

10:03pm

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Ely Barajas

i just wish there was pure bliss that i could indulge myself in

that'd be

nice

consistently..throughout the day

throughout the night

throughout my life

that's what i want

and i feel terrible that i can't have it

and that i have to deal with

the reality of being human

and having to endure

so many things that comes with it and

i don't want to endure these things

that so many people have endured before me

I don't know what's left for me to do except poke at life

it's bullshit

everything

school, relationships, jokes, words, putting things into context, land

everything except for animals

but I know I won't feel this way forever

but this is what looms inside of who I am...

I'm constantly searching for an escape

I wish I could take breaks from being who I am and all the emotional/intellectual

involvement/investment that comes along with it and just be nothing for a while. absolutely

nothing.

I've been feeling a bit robotic lately.

what's bothering you?

 

 

F:

sacrifices

im tired of suffering

im tired of suffering for people who dont care

im tired of beating myself up for people i dont even know

im tired of being a slave to a being i dont even fully understand

im tired of settingmy dreams aside for someone elses

im hurting a lot

for the first time in so long

ive never felt more lonely nd unappreciated in my life

10:07pm

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Ely Barajas

:(

i know what you mean

i mean

not really,

because every situation is different

but i can speculate..and..I've felt this to some degree

and i don't know..it sucks..because we feel bad..but what are we supposed to do?

how do we deal with this? i don't know..

ignore the problem or face it?

 

 

F:

we cant ignore it

it gets worse

we cant face it

bc were weak

these days i find myself crying over the pain of strangers

all i see i remember

all i see is pain

i wish i could take that pain away

i wish i could make everyones life better

i wouldnt care if i had to die with it

just knowing people wont feel anything bad anymore

makes it worth it

i wish i could feed the hungry

i wish i could clothe the poor

even if ive never had a home in my life

i wish everyone else could