all my friends are nuts and i'm the loose screw

career. 

i look at books in parts. i don't consider 'the overall message', because i feel like there are ton of messages within each chapter. in my case, the parts are likely greater than the whole. take for example, the fountainhead. everyone always bashes on it, simply because it's "not a liberal book" and "captalism" this and "captalism" that. i, for one, love that book. i feel like it's another version of the perks of being a wallflower. one part that stood out to me a lot was when Wynand told a girl she loved him, that he'd do anything for her, and she asked him if he thought she was prettier than [insert chick name here]. He then said he never had to learn something twice, and vowed to not fall in love again. another was when he stood for a cause because of something beautiful a journalist had written. when he humbly went to said journalist, the journalist greeted him with impatience. "what are you talking about!? I write a lot of things!" The words that were once considered beautiful in Wyand's eyes were stripped away and reduced to nothing.
I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be like that at all.

I never simply want to write something to simply write it.

Because it sounds good. Because i need to reach a deadline. 

It's funny that I feel that way because I say things I don't mean/know if I mean all the time. 

 But writing is different. Writing is a different kind of expression. It's a different kind of process than speaking is. 

If I become a writer, I'd like to hang out with a fan. I think i'd be beneficial on both ends.

These are the kind of fantasies I have.

Heh, that's funny.
I never have sexual fantasies. I only say I do because it's easier to say that I do. 

I do, however, have a sexual fantasy. Just one.

That's another story.

fear.

i'm scared that writing will become mechanical. i don't like the idea of teaching me how to write. what's worth learning can not be taught.

i will not dedicate myself to deadlines

i will not write simply because it has become a thing for me to do

i will write when it's time to

you can't force things out like that. this isn't math

thoughts.

1. i love the way your mom looks at you. i really do.

2. i want to start making hand-made things as gifts for whoever. things that have sentimental value. 

3. it's amazing how much of an escape music is. how the escape is different every time. 

4. skin

5. better complicated than boring 

6. humans look so fragile to me. i think of how they all have feelings and it just makes me want to smile at them. 

7. time

8. i like moments where you can think of how ridiculous it is to be sad and mean it

9. my brother still misses casey

10. roxann said she'll never love again and the scary thing is i believe her. what's even worse is that the love she experienced was less then what i'd want for her. i think she accepted the love she "deserved." it's sad because she deserves so much more. 

11. my dad's said he's never been in love

12. i'd ask my mom, but i don't talk to her

13. i know i say i'd never like to have kids, but i know once they're here, i'm going to love them so much. i'm going to teach them so many things. I'm going to make them smile so much.

14. I will continue to say I don't want kids.

15. i hate when someone i love is in pain. it becomes my own. i don't know how to deal with it.  

16. i'm selfish. in my own strange way.

17. i often think about what it would be like to meet morrissey

18. i've been admitted into Harold. I'll be attending there this fall.
19. i'm excited. it feels right. it feels right.