Paul. You were wrong.
"and in the end, the love you make...is equal to the love you make".
FALSE.
Some people will never learn to give, despite how much they take.

I'm constantly struggling to make sense of the person Paul is with what he writes. It means a lot to me.
Mister Rutter says that ultimately, its what it means to him and not me.
(EDIT: means to ME, not him. Lol.)
 It's just..sometimes I feel like I'm falling into lies. It's my truth though.
What?

A reassuring thought is his love for Linda. I've said this before and I'll say it again. She died before their love did. They spent almost every day together since they got together. They supported each other. They were friends as well as lovers. He let her perform in his Wings band even though everyone said she sucked. He didn't have the heart to tell her no. That was really cute of you Paul. You're so fucking cute.

I'm at Yerika's house right now. Kristina is the tint of paint that makes the colors flourish. I told her and Yerika that and they burst out laughing. Kristina was like what? Yerika was like "ohh soo deep" lol. Damn it! I know what I mean by it! Lol. It's funny because I wonder if this is what polygamous couples feel. A third person makes it better. Interesting. I can dig it. In this case, the friendship is better.
I think of a scene from Parks and recreation whenever I think of complicated relationships.
April walks in with two guys and she is asked the question "who are these two?". She nonchalantly responds "Derricks my boyfriend and Ben is Derrick's boyfriend." Confused, the questioner asks her to clarify. "I'm straight for Derrick, Derrick's gay for Ben,, and I hate Ben. What's not to get?"
Lol. i guess that's really not polygamous, but it's something.

I went to dunkin donuts the other day to give an employee there who payed for my milkshake his money back. I owed him a dollar. He was surprised. I honestly think he thought I wasn't going to come back. I'm glad he remembered me. A customer in behind me asked me if I really just came there to give him back a dollar. I said.."yeah". LOL. He then said that I had restored his faith in humanity. It felt so good. I didn't think I'd actually receive a compliment. Doing things for people feels so good. I was at the eye doctor today and this dude was coughing up a storm. It was really gross, but you couldnt help but you couldn't help but sympathize. This lady next to him gave him some tissue and stuff. It was really cute. I gave him a ricola. All of sudden, the room lightened up. People smiled. They seemed capable of being friendly. It was interesting. Small gestures/things can mean a lot. Isn't that right, Bukowski?

You guys. I love my violin. It's the perfect instrument for me. I've never bonded with an instrument as much as I do when I play my baby. It's so soulful and I feel a sense of release when I play it. I feel connected to it. Literally. A part of it. I like the long strokes, the slurs, the continuous flow of music. I love the resting of the head. I feel like I'm leaning my shoulder on music. It's nice. It's really nice..

I'm excited to hang out with Allyson soon. You cool man. You cool. She has a nice voice. I like how she sounds when she expresses herself.

Anyway, my mom came home today. Awwwkward. I haven't spoken to her since that day and I don't plan to soon. I feel like someone is scratching my heart every time I think about it.
I wonder what's going to happen between us. This part of my life I am unsure of.
I love my mom, despite how fucked up she is. I understand that life has made her the way she is. A lot has happened to her and it broke her. I wish she could have been stronger than that. I wish she was happy..
A comforting thought is the fact that there is still time left. Things can get better.

Clara always tells me "you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it.".

I am a strong believer that people are inherently born good. I think there is good that can be surfaced from even the worst of people if you do the right things.
It reminds me of Uncle Tom's Cabin. The part in the book when the slave experienced kindness and exclaimed "I won't be wicked no more"! It's a very beautiful scene...
Some people don't experience any negativity, but are still assholes. Those are the people I have no hope for. The only thing you can do is hope for their enlightenment. Hope that something life-altering will happen soon. They're dull and bland and unappreciative. It's sad. Do you think that's their fault? I'm still puzzled by this question...

I added Clara to the list of people I admire. She is getting some real change done, one person at a time.

Well, I'm off to eat with Yerika and Kristina and The twins and Jefferey.
The twins say that they're so happy that I'm there with them;

OK. Cake happened. About to make a harlem shake video with 10 year olds, yerika, and kristina. can this day get any better? let's get silllaaaaaaaaaaay.