Saturday, June 8, 2013
I was watchin a paul McCartney concert with adam and pedro and that thing scared the shit out of me. everyone seemed fucking crazy lol.
and adam was like "look it's Paul McCartney's business"
I just felt like sharing that.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that...
but it's tickles my brain or whatever.
I try to make things the same and get anxious that they are the same and then get anxious because I wish things were different.
it's okay if i'm the only one that understands that.
I wish I could explain myself better.
god, I wish I could write like Bukowski. Lol
Well, not really lol.
I'm just saying that to articulate how much I love his writing..
he's just so fucking funny.
and real.
I hope you understand what I mean.
it's definitely time to buy
"woman."
definitely time.
fuck the agony and the ecstasy lol
i'm sure it's great, but I didn't crave it like I thought I did.
god, I wish I could write like Bukowski. Lol
Well, not really lol.
I'm just saying that to articulate how much I love his writing..
he's just so fucking funny.
and real.
I hope you understand what I mean.
it's definitely time to buy
"woman."
definitely time.
fuck the agony and the ecstasy lol
i'm sure it's great, but I didn't crave it like I thought I did.
something i wrote last night.
"life is just a huge conversation. what are you going to say next?"
lol
lol
hooping is fun because you don't really think.
adam says I should try to meditate because it seems like I never turn my thoughts off.
I have a whole book on meditation, but I read the first chapter and it was just talking about how good the book is and how much it is going to help me. it's about 20 chapters long.
i guess maybe i shouldn't have given up on it so easily, but honestly, i don't know.
I'm just trying to make sense of everything, but I should probably stop that too lol.
Expression is sort of becoming just like everything else because I feel like I've been abusing it.
"So ultimately, it's idealistic to think that artists are able to step away from the power of the media and the way it controls things, and go on doing their own things"
wtf ar eyou saying thom yorke
i don't know.
i kind of get it
but it makes me sad
but i get it
adam says I should try to meditate because it seems like I never turn my thoughts off.
I have a whole book on meditation, but I read the first chapter and it was just talking about how good the book is and how much it is going to help me. it's about 20 chapters long.
i guess maybe i shouldn't have given up on it so easily, but honestly, i don't know.
I'm just trying to make sense of everything, but I should probably stop that too lol.
Expression is sort of becoming just like everything else because I feel like I've been abusing it.
"So ultimately, it's idealistic to think that artists are able to step away from the power of the media and the way it controls things, and go on doing their own things"
wtf ar eyou saying thom yorke
i don't know.
i kind of get it
but it makes me sad
but i get it
yesterday was so weird.
i'm really glad i had adam and pedro there.
especially adam.
his presence is so calming for me and I guess it's because he never says anything
I guess it's more than that but I can't explain it
i wish i could write down how i felt about it, all the things i've seen.... but that' s impossible.
i'm scared shitless of everything lol..
despite being so judgmental on myself, i hope never to be that way toward another person. i hope I never to let my emotions cloud how i feel. well that sounds stupid doesn't it lol..
i wonder what i'm going to do with myself. it's very thrilling and i enjoy all parts of my life, from the times that i hate everyone to the times that i love everyone to the times where i'm just like..okay. lol...
"nothing is permanent because everything is permanent"
hmm hmmm hmm hmmmm
mhmhmhmhmhmhhmmhh
despite everything that was said, i'm totally gonna do my English class lol.
I mean wtf, I need to graduate.
i'd be stupid not to.
lol everything just seems to making me laugh now.
look a bear
http://wgntv.com/2013/05/28/talented-bear-plays-trumpet-performs-somesault-and-hula-hoops/#luDjdJpDyfDKhxjR.01
i'm really glad i had adam and pedro there.
especially adam.
his presence is so calming for me and I guess it's because he never says anything
I guess it's more than that but I can't explain it
i wish i could write down how i felt about it, all the things i've seen.... but that' s impossible.
i'm scared shitless of everything lol..
despite being so judgmental on myself, i hope never to be that way toward another person. i hope I never to let my emotions cloud how i feel. well that sounds stupid doesn't it lol..
i wonder what i'm going to do with myself. it's very thrilling and i enjoy all parts of my life, from the times that i hate everyone to the times that i love everyone to the times where i'm just like..okay. lol...
"nothing is permanent because everything is permanent"
hmm hmmm hmm hmmmm
mhmhmhmhmhmhhmmhh
despite everything that was said, i'm totally gonna do my English class lol.
I mean wtf, I need to graduate.
i'd be stupid not to.
lol everything just seems to making me laugh now.
look a bear
http://wgntv.com/2013/05/28/talented-bear-plays-trumpet-performs-somesault-and-hula-hoops/#luDjdJpDyfDKhxjR.01
lmfao.
my sister: "ely are you okay? open the door"
me: "Yeah i'm okay leave me alone!!"
my sister: "fuck you then!! I'm gonna stop being nice to people"
lmao. wow it was good to laugh like that.
me: "Yeah i'm okay leave me alone!!"
my sister: "fuck you then!! I'm gonna stop being nice to people"
lmao. wow it was good to laugh like that.
therapy.
i get misinterpreted so much.
fuck. i should probably stop going.
it's a waste of time.
clara left and now i have a new therapist
and it just all seems like the same again
i just want comfort guys.
i don't really seem to get it anywhere.
i feel like a fucking idiot. lol.
i should just be okay with that too
that i'll be oen for the rest of my life
but so will everyone else
sort of
adam totally tripped me out yesterday lol..
i really needed that though..
i really needed to step back and question what the fuck it was all about
lol...
god what a fucking joke.
the only thing we really have is love i think.
and even at that...
who knows?
i sure as hell fucking don't.
what am i supposed to do
what am i supposed to do
what am i supposed to do
i'm really fucking conflicted.
i just feel like never saying a word again and just running off the be a mime somewhere
but what the fuck ely
i just feel like hanging out with tim and having him play guitar and singing along
but what the fuck ely
i just feel like hanging out with panda
that sounds good
but she's working two fucking jobs
i just feel like hanging out with Allyson
but i don't wnt to get in the way of her decisions
i know how hard she's trying too
i just feel like hanging out with yerika
but that's not going to happen
i don't know if it sounds like i need saving or rescuing or something.
i don't.
i just want to complain..
let me be negative lol..
i keep thinking about what Morrissey said. how we're all solitary creatures.
i guess it's true.
ro some extent
whatever i'm just going to not think
fuck. i should probably stop going.
it's a waste of time.
clara left and now i have a new therapist
and it just all seems like the same again
i just want comfort guys.
i don't really seem to get it anywhere.
i feel like a fucking idiot. lol.
i should just be okay with that too
that i'll be oen for the rest of my life
but so will everyone else
sort of
adam totally tripped me out yesterday lol..
i really needed that though..
i really needed to step back and question what the fuck it was all about
lol...
god what a fucking joke.
the only thing we really have is love i think.
and even at that...
who knows?
i sure as hell fucking don't.
what am i supposed to do
what am i supposed to do
what am i supposed to do
i'm really fucking conflicted.
i just feel like never saying a word again and just running off the be a mime somewhere
but what the fuck ely
i just feel like hanging out with tim and having him play guitar and singing along
but what the fuck ely
i just feel like hanging out with panda
that sounds good
but she's working two fucking jobs
i just feel like hanging out with Allyson
but i don't wnt to get in the way of her decisions
i know how hard she's trying too
i just feel like hanging out with yerika
but that's not going to happen
i don't know if it sounds like i need saving or rescuing or something.
i don't.
i just want to complain..
let me be negative lol..
i keep thinking about what Morrissey said. how we're all solitary creatures.
i guess it's true.
ro some extent
whatever i'm just going to not think
two more weeks. two more weeks.
i have something to admit today. I've always been really scared of looking up at the stars. I hate how small it makes me feel, like the world is just about to chew me up and spit me back out. Every time I look at the stars, what Corey said at writing camp about the night sky being a fucking blanket with dots poked into them or whatever but she said it real poetic like. I always think of that. And I always think hm..maybe I'm missing out on something if I don't see it. BUt I don't fucking see it. God writing camp was such a weird time. The best part was the bus ride back to the airports. I always think of the quote some dude said about knowing nothing but stars and wonder or whatever. And I think...Sure. Anyway, today I looked at them and took them in and I wasn't scared. That sounds so incredibly stupid, but it's true lol. Make of it what you want. It was pretty awesome...lol. The whole thing..
fuck I don't know about this creative writing bullshit.
i'm really terrified
and i hate how predictable i am
somethings wrong
let's see what happens.
i have something to admit today. I've always been really scared of looking up at the stars. I hate how small it makes me feel, like the world is just about to chew me up and spit me back out. Every time I look at the stars, what Corey said at writing camp about the night sky being a fucking blanket with dots poked into them or whatever but she said it real poetic like. I always think of that. And I always think hm..maybe I'm missing out on something if I don't see it. BUt I don't fucking see it. God writing camp was such a weird time. The best part was the bus ride back to the airports. I always think of the quote some dude said about knowing nothing but stars and wonder or whatever. And I think...Sure. Anyway, today I looked at them and took them in and I wasn't scared. That sounds so incredibly stupid, but it's true lol. Make of it what you want. It was pretty awesome...lol. The whole thing..
fuck I don't know about this creative writing bullshit.
i'm really terrified
and i hate how predictable i am
somethings wrong
let's see what happens.
I feel like bashing on myself............. I don't know why that will just make me feel good.
my music seems passed around.
it has no value.
I don't understand learning to play an instruments.
all I will ever have is potential it seems.
I lack discipline in everything, even in something you would think I would love.
I don't know what to do with all these books, they seem to be mocking me at times
I don't trust anyone.
I wish I could just disown all of what I am at times and just take a break
I need some time to think here
Art is a fucking joke
just like everything else
Music is nice sometimes..just like everything else..except for maybe murder or whatever..and even at that...
I'm not going to change the world most likely
well at least that's how if eel now.
Compliments make me nervous
I'm confused by everyone and everything.
I don't feel like buyin anything on fucking etsy anymore.
it's stupid to be surrounded by the things you love
too much
I guess
life is about a balance
and here it ends with some hippie bullshit once more...
I'll be positive so I guess I'll take it
I haven't whole-heartingly done and said things as of late that I could really understand
ALl I'm glad is that I did what I did today and I don't know what I did really. Just gave myself time to think.
I'm tired of reading this fuckin poetry. I'm tired of these fucking questions. I'm tired of this music being passed around and finding comfort in a stability that doesn't exist. ,I'm tired of myself and I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. My reading online classes. Great. We're analyzing Kite Runner. Awesome.
I need to find somewhere within school that will make me feel comfortable.
Or maybe just have better endurance
Or maybe try to accept it..but that didn't work ely..or just maybe not say anything..but that's not fun...but after it's not so much fun either.
I feel so fuckin stupid. I really do. And that's because I am. but I don't thnk there is anything wrong with that. It just depends on what kind of stupid you are..and even then..I'd still probably give you a cookie.
me & my fucking cookies
My room looks like a fuckin mess all the time because I don't think I'll ever be happy with how anything is ever.
i'm not artistic, just overly dramatic and anxious.
fuck the dictionary. haven't opened that bitch in forever.
I don't know why I'm so worked up about this but this is what is coming out.
I'm scared of just becoming a hoarder
thins make sense and I want them to stay that way but I should listen to my own advice that everything is contextual
why do I want thins to stay that way? For a false sense of comfort? Ohh yes, I'm definitely in line for that one..
I really want to destroy everything that I am.
You can take Ghandi with you too...
and all the things I've laughed at that I've only half understood or times where blahh
I'm sick of this zodiac shit too.
I'm sick of tattoos
No I am not sick of Toby lol
and I am even sick of The Beatles
I just don't want to listen to them right now
Why do I feel so trapped all the time
maybe it's because I trap myself
I drown myself in my own thoughts
oh there I go personifying things again..aren't I such a riot...
tonight I got exactly what I needed. tonight I drove around aimlessly with a friend and we hardly spoke a word to each other. tonight I got exactly what I needed.
let's hope I stay this way, but I know I won't.
I'm not gonna lie though. Schindler's theme is totally playing in my head and I'm really digging it despite everything.
it's been hard to do anything with my journal lately..
I have another one..and while I'm very happy abut the new addition..I'm also really overwhelmed..
sometimes I say things to be nice but i'm thinking now that I just might look like an idiot and maybe it's just best to stay quiet and wait.
i'm extremely overwhelmed
I'd just like to go to sleep now.
my music seems passed around.
it has no value.
I don't understand learning to play an instruments.
all I will ever have is potential it seems.
I lack discipline in everything, even in something you would think I would love.
I don't know what to do with all these books, they seem to be mocking me at times
I don't trust anyone.
I wish I could just disown all of what I am at times and just take a break
I need some time to think here
Art is a fucking joke
just like everything else
Music is nice sometimes..just like everything else..except for maybe murder or whatever..and even at that...
I'm not going to change the world most likely
well at least that's how if eel now.
Compliments make me nervous
I'm confused by everyone and everything.
I don't feel like buyin anything on fucking etsy anymore.
it's stupid to be surrounded by the things you love
too much
I guess
life is about a balance
and here it ends with some hippie bullshit once more...
I'll be positive so I guess I'll take it
I haven't whole-heartingly done and said things as of late that I could really understand
ALl I'm glad is that I did what I did today and I don't know what I did really. Just gave myself time to think.
I'm tired of reading this fuckin poetry. I'm tired of these fucking questions. I'm tired of this music being passed around and finding comfort in a stability that doesn't exist. ,I'm tired of myself and I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. My reading online classes. Great. We're analyzing Kite Runner. Awesome.
I need to find somewhere within school that will make me feel comfortable.
Or maybe just have better endurance
Or maybe try to accept it..but that didn't work ely..or just maybe not say anything..but that's not fun...but after it's not so much fun either.
I feel so fuckin stupid. I really do. And that's because I am. but I don't thnk there is anything wrong with that. It just depends on what kind of stupid you are..and even then..I'd still probably give you a cookie.
me & my fucking cookies
My room looks like a fuckin mess all the time because I don't think I'll ever be happy with how anything is ever.
i'm not artistic, just overly dramatic and anxious.
fuck the dictionary. haven't opened that bitch in forever.
I don't know why I'm so worked up about this but this is what is coming out.
I'm scared of just becoming a hoarder
thins make sense and I want them to stay that way but I should listen to my own advice that everything is contextual
why do I want thins to stay that way? For a false sense of comfort? Ohh yes, I'm definitely in line for that one..
I really want to destroy everything that I am.
You can take Ghandi with you too...
and all the things I've laughed at that I've only half understood or times where blahh
I'm sick of this zodiac shit too.
I'm sick of tattoos
No I am not sick of Toby lol
and I am even sick of The Beatles
I just don't want to listen to them right now
Why do I feel so trapped all the time
maybe it's because I trap myself
I drown myself in my own thoughts
oh there I go personifying things again..aren't I such a riot...
tonight I got exactly what I needed. tonight I drove around aimlessly with a friend and we hardly spoke a word to each other. tonight I got exactly what I needed.
let's hope I stay this way, but I know I won't.
I'm not gonna lie though. Schindler's theme is totally playing in my head and I'm really digging it despite everything.
it's been hard to do anything with my journal lately..
I have another one..and while I'm very happy abut the new addition..I'm also really overwhelmed..
sometimes I say things to be nice but i'm thinking now that I just might look like an idiot and maybe it's just best to stay quiet and wait.
i'm extremely overwhelmed
I'd just like to go to sleep now.
Friday, June 7, 2013
It's weird when a song can soothe you and you look at what it saying and you wonder why those words soothe you and it baffles you but at the same time are happy that it does and come to accept it. better yet, embrace it.
music can mend things you're unaware of.
that's fucking magic.
of course, I have to thank Paul here.
He's who I was thinking of when I wrote that.
I love you Paul.
I really do.
"Ram on..
give you're heart to somebody
soon..
right away...
right away..."
I don't think my interpretation coincides with the top comment though.
what is it that I'm hearing?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'd do if I were to ever meet you. I think about it all the time. I think i'd just really like a hug. I think that would say everything.
I don't know what it is about him.
Yeah, you're definitely my favorite beatle.
I'm saying this with tears streaming down my face and I don't know why that is.
It must sound crazy to you guys and cheesy, but this is genuine.
I guess it's an overwhelming appreciation that I feel.
Tonight is going to be nice.
"hands across the water
hands across the sky"
I think he says heads, but I like hands better.
This song has hit the spot today too:
Paul :) <3
music can mend things you're unaware of.
that's fucking magic.
of course, I have to thank Paul here.
He's who I was thinking of when I wrote that.
I love you Paul.
I really do.
"Ram on..
give you're heart to somebody
soon..
right away...
right away..."
I don't think my interpretation coincides with the top comment though.
what is it that I'm hearing?
I don't know.
I don't know what I'd do if I were to ever meet you. I think about it all the time. I think i'd just really like a hug. I think that would say everything.
I don't know what it is about him.
Yeah, you're definitely my favorite beatle.
I'm saying this with tears streaming down my face and I don't know why that is.
It must sound crazy to you guys and cheesy, but this is genuine.
I guess it's an overwhelming appreciation that I feel.
Tonight is going to be nice.
"hands across the water
hands across the sky"
I think he says heads, but I like hands better.
Paul :) <3
i hate parties.
sorry guys. i'm straying away from tonight's plan.
I know you guys will understand my need for intimacy.
I know you guys will understand my need for intimacy.
Baby Im amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe Im afraid of the way I love you
Baby Im amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
Hung me on a line
Maybe Im amazed at the way I really need you
Baby Im a man and maybe Im a lonely man
Whos in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Baby Im a man and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby wont you help to me understand
I think Paul knew what he was doing.
Maybe Im afraid of the way I love you
Baby Im amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
Hung me on a line
Maybe Im amazed at the way I really need you
Baby Im a man and maybe Im a lonely man
Whos in the middle of something
That he doesn't really understand
Baby Im a man and maybe you're the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby wont you help to me understand
I think Paul knew what he was doing.
It's so hard for me to write a letter to Paul.
One day.
I have a feeling it'll be when I'm in college, 3A.M, out of state somewhere.
Anyway, I'm listening to the album Ram, and Paul has a song on it called "dear boy" and the opening lines are "I guess you never knew dear boy what you have found I guess you never knew dear boy that she was the cutest thing around..I guess you never knew dear boy that love was there"
It's interesting because can you really blame someone for not knowing?
That being said, can you really blame the girl for not forgiving?
Maybe I'm a bit too understanding.
Like I said, things are contextual and there are millions of lenses to look at life from.
It sucks that having positive qualities to an extreme can actually be pretty negative.
I just found out not too long ago that my friend's Aumi's house got broken into and stolen. She's one of the nicest persons I know and it doesn't make sense for something like that to happen to her. I guess when you put the whole world in perspective, it does.
I can't believe that happened..
One day.
I have a feeling it'll be when I'm in college, 3A.M, out of state somewhere.
Anyway, I'm listening to the album Ram, and Paul has a song on it called "dear boy" and the opening lines are "I guess you never knew dear boy what you have found I guess you never knew dear boy that she was the cutest thing around..I guess you never knew dear boy that love was there"
It's interesting because can you really blame someone for not knowing?
That being said, can you really blame the girl for not forgiving?
Maybe I'm a bit too understanding.
Like I said, things are contextual and there are millions of lenses to look at life from.
It sucks that having positive qualities to an extreme can actually be pretty negative.
I just found out not too long ago that my friend's Aumi's house got broken into and stolen. She's one of the nicest persons I know and it doesn't make sense for something like that to happen to her. I guess when you put the whole world in perspective, it does.
I can't believe that happened..
sadness possesses me.
I LOST MY PAUL MCCARTNEY RING.
It might not sound like much to you, but it's a tragedy for me.
My only hope is that whoever finds it loves Paul McCartney as much as I do.
Once it happened, I thought of the bracelet I now own and how it once belonged to a former Parul McCartney fan too.
The good news is I can just buy a new one. Etsy has a ton of rings.
The bad news is I'll have to wait a while until I can look down and see Paul McCartney's beautiful face wherever I go.
It's nice to be surrounded by the things you love.
It might not sound like much to you, but it's a tragedy for me.
My only hope is that whoever finds it loves Paul McCartney as much as I do.
Once it happened, I thought of the bracelet I now own and how it once belonged to a former Parul McCartney fan too.
The good news is I can just buy a new one. Etsy has a ton of rings.
The bad news is I'll have to wait a while until I can look down and see Paul McCartney's beautiful face wherever I go.
It's nice to be surrounded by the things you love.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
musicans, artists, and writers: the best medicine.
I think the way you address alienation in your music really resonates with your fans. Do you think a certain degree of loneliness enriches our lives? Is it OK, or even good, to feel alone?
Everyone is, in fact, alone. Being contractually tied to another person—in marriage, for example—accentuates the loneliness, because you have effectively allowed the state to determine your obligations to someone, as if you can’t trust and manage your own feelings by yourself. Anyway, I see humans as essentially solitary creatures, and this is not changed by surrounding ourselves with others, because they too are solitary. Life is a very serious business for the simple reason that nobody dies laughing.
Many of your lyrics deal with self-preservation in a world that can sometimes be less than gentle. You strike a balance between acknowledging personal hardship and pain and fiercely appreciating beauty. What helps you to see the loving and good parts of life during tough times?
If I feel it, then others surely must. That’s the only thought that sustains me.
What would you like to achieve, as a person and an artist, in the years to come?
I have no vision of the future. I never have. There is nothing to consider other than today. I’m saving tranquility for when I’m dead.
If you could tell your teenage self one thing, what would it be?
I am still my teenage self. If you think that we all step through a door marked Adult, or that we sign a Grown-Up Document, you’re quite wrong. We remain as we always were, and that, alas, is one of life’s many nasty tricks
Guess who?
Morrissey.
The more I see the less I know
The more I like to let it go hey oh
Wooooaaah
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go
interesting word:
Everyone is, in fact, alone. Being contractually tied to another person—in marriage, for example—accentuates the loneliness, because you have effectively allowed the state to determine your obligations to someone, as if you can’t trust and manage your own feelings by yourself. Anyway, I see humans as essentially solitary creatures, and this is not changed by surrounding ourselves with others, because they too are solitary. Life is a very serious business for the simple reason that nobody dies laughing.
Many of your lyrics deal with self-preservation in a world that can sometimes be less than gentle. You strike a balance between acknowledging personal hardship and pain and fiercely appreciating beauty. What helps you to see the loving and good parts of life during tough times?
If I feel it, then others surely must. That’s the only thought that sustains me.
What would you like to achieve, as a person and an artist, in the years to come?
I have no vision of the future. I never have. There is nothing to consider other than today. I’m saving tranquility for when I’m dead.
If you could tell your teenage self one thing, what would it be?
I am still my teenage self. If you think that we all step through a door marked Adult, or that we sign a Grown-Up Document, you’re quite wrong. We remain as we always were, and that, alas, is one of life’s many nasty tricks
Guess who?
Morrissey.
The more I like to let it go hey oh
Wooooaaah
Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder
Where it's so white as snow
Privately divided by a world so undecided
And there's nowhere to go
interesting word:
cognitive dissonance
Definition
anxiety that is the result of a difference between what a person does and what a person believes
anxiety that is the result of a difference between what a person does and what a person believes
I can watch and can't take part
where I end and where you start.
I don't really like this song, but I appreciate these lyrics.
I don't really like this song, but I appreciate these lyrics.
when words fail music speaks.
http://grooveshark.com/#!/artist/Schindler+s+List/73331
listen to the first song.
"theme from schindler's list".
I had the pleasure of attending Schurz's chamber concert where this song was beautifully played; so beautifully played that it brought me to tears.
The beginning of today's concert made me forget everything, forget I was human, forget all the triavalities that comes with it, and the sounds and the emotions dripping completely carried me away.
I love when musicians sway with their instruments, like they're intwined with it.
I started thinking about what Bukowski said "mozart dead but his music very much alive.."
I started thinking about what Paul McCartney said about Beethoven. People told him that he wouldn't like him because it was "high class stuff" and sooner or later he finally realized it's all the same. And that's a very beautiful thing. I hope you understand what he meant. He's not at all putting them on the same level, just saying the do the same thing.
It's interesting to note that what you see isn't always what's there. People are seeping with things that we cannot hear, see, or touch. I watched a girl sing her heart out and man did she have a voice. It was like every word she said was coming out directly from her heart, tugging on my heart strings.
I heard a pianoist play a song beautifully. I've always really admired the piano, but I would never play it. I don't like the movement of it. I don't get it. It doesn't move me (in more ways than one). I love the sounds, just not the movement. It's important to love both if you're going to try to play an instrument, I think.
I really needed this.
I just don't understand how people can say art and music are unneccessary.
I don't think I ever will.
(she had a certain warmth to her. It was like she wasn't always thinking about being a woman - Ham On Rye by: Bukowski)
listen to the first song.
"theme from schindler's list".
I had the pleasure of attending Schurz's chamber concert where this song was beautifully played; so beautifully played that it brought me to tears.
The beginning of today's concert made me forget everything, forget I was human, forget all the triavalities that comes with it, and the sounds and the emotions dripping completely carried me away.
I love when musicians sway with their instruments, like they're intwined with it.
I started thinking about what Bukowski said "mozart dead but his music very much alive.."
I started thinking about what Paul McCartney said about Beethoven. People told him that he wouldn't like him because it was "high class stuff" and sooner or later he finally realized it's all the same. And that's a very beautiful thing. I hope you understand what he meant. He's not at all putting them on the same level, just saying the do the same thing.
It's interesting to note that what you see isn't always what's there. People are seeping with things that we cannot hear, see, or touch. I watched a girl sing her heart out and man did she have a voice. It was like every word she said was coming out directly from her heart, tugging on my heart strings.
I heard a pianoist play a song beautifully. I've always really admired the piano, but I would never play it. I don't like the movement of it. I don't get it. It doesn't move me (in more ways than one). I love the sounds, just not the movement. It's important to love both if you're going to try to play an instrument, I think.
I really needed this.
I just don't understand how people can say art and music are unneccessary.
I don't think I ever will.
(she had a certain warmth to her. It was like she wasn't always thinking about being a woman - Ham On Rye by: Bukowski)
Thom Yorke
(This made me happy to read more than anything. For him, not for anyone else)
Thom Yorke
(It's interesting that he feels this way)
(It's interesting that he feels this way)
Music is more difficult - try naming a political band. The Dead Kennedys. The Dead Kennedys are political, but they are more funny than they are political.
Thom Yorke
Thom Yorke
(another interesting thing said)
So ultimately, it's idealistic to think that artists are able to step away from the power of the media and the way it controls things, and go on doing their own things.
Thom Yorke
Thom Yorke
Well, I've been reading a lot about the fifty years since the Second World War, about Western foreign policy and all that. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes I just think that there's no hope.
Thom Yorke
Thom Yorke
Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don’t have that many good years left in me.
"The freakiest thing about all of this, is the idea that you would be one of those bands to somebody. That in itself is the reason to keep going. The rest is bullshit."
escape.
A good book.
Radiohead.
"I'll hit the bottom and..escape..escape.." - Weird Fishes Radiohead.
It's interesting to note that all of radiohead's lovely music has been written for one person: his wife, Rachel Owen. (who happens to be an amazing photographer)
Radiohead again.
(angry) Poetry.
Parks to read in and be read to.
A handful of good people who can drift me into another world for a moment by their words, their sounds, theirselves.
Hooping to Radiohead.
Finding flow.
Marijuana.
Today, I just want to lay down on the grass and know nothing but the words being said to me.
Today, I am going to do this.
I've been in a haze as of late.
I don't have much to say, just much to see, much to take in.
"Trapped doors that open
I spiral down
you're living in a fantasy world
I'm lost at sea...
Don't bother me....
I've lost my way
I've lost my way"
"you're living in a fantasy world.
such a beautiful world"
- In Limbo by Radiohead (Kid A)
Radiohead.
"I'll hit the bottom and..escape..escape.." - Weird Fishes Radiohead.
It's interesting to note that all of radiohead's lovely music has been written for one person: his wife, Rachel Owen. (who happens to be an amazing photographer)
Radiohead again.
(angry) Poetry.
Parks to read in and be read to.
A handful of good people who can drift me into another world for a moment by their words, their sounds, theirselves.
Hooping to Radiohead.
Finding flow.
Marijuana.
Today, I just want to lay down on the grass and know nothing but the words being said to me.
Today, I am going to do this.
I've been in a haze as of late.
I don't have much to say, just much to see, much to take in.
"Trapped doors that open
I spiral down
you're living in a fantasy world
I'm lost at sea...
Don't bother me....
I've lost my way
I've lost my way"
"you're living in a fantasy world.
such a beautiful world"
- In Limbo by Radiohead (Kid A)
fond but not in love.
As of late, the whole idea of romance has been bogging me down; wearing me out as much as the idea itself. It's not so much the person, I think..it's the idea. Everything feels like a pattern..seemingly the same...and as if there is no escape, no substance, and with that being said, no reason to worry about anything. I guess I'm just thinking about it so much because it's something i've been feeling for quite some time and I finally feel OK enough to voice it and I'm a little surprised at myself for feeling this way.
When I start talking about my romances, you know there is something wrong. It's funny because on the surface I'm talking about how good it is, but if I have to talk about how good it is, it means I'm probably trying to convince myself. The complexity of my nature is quite insane. I'm a little all over the place.
Lately, I've been valueing friendship a lot more. I've found that the people I miss are Panda & Allyson. These are the only people I have genuinely enjoyed my time with and have thought to myself "it feels to be alive". I don't know why this it, but it is.
This being said, I'm not being a negative nancy or even a pessimist or anything, I'm just being honest.
"love has a nasty habit of dissapearing over night" - Paul Lol. (I'm looking through you)
That being said, it can return just as fast.
Every day, second, moment, minute, hour, matters..except when it doesn't.
Anyway. TWO.MORE.WEEKS.TWO.MORE.WEEKS.
and then my life really begins.
Btw guys, a word of advice:
The best way for a relationship to end is to be completely self-assured of who you are and what you are capable of and acknowledging the fact that life has its twists and turns and some things end to make way for better ones. All you need is patience and self-assurance and you'll be good.
When I start talking about my romances, you know there is something wrong. It's funny because on the surface I'm talking about how good it is, but if I have to talk about how good it is, it means I'm probably trying to convince myself. The complexity of my nature is quite insane. I'm a little all over the place.
Lately, I've been valueing friendship a lot more. I've found that the people I miss are Panda & Allyson. These are the only people I have genuinely enjoyed my time with and have thought to myself "it feels to be alive". I don't know why this it, but it is.
This being said, I'm not being a negative nancy or even a pessimist or anything, I'm just being honest.
"love has a nasty habit of dissapearing over night" - Paul Lol. (I'm looking through you)
That being said, it can return just as fast.
Every day, second, moment, minute, hour, matters..except when it doesn't.
Anyway. TWO.MORE.WEEKS.TWO.MORE.WEEKS.
and then my life really begins.
Btw guys, a word of advice:
The best way for a relationship to end is to be completely self-assured of who you are and what you are capable of and acknowledging the fact that life has its twists and turns and some things end to make way for better ones. All you need is patience and self-assurance and you'll be good.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
I think it's important to add that I'm not sad, although I feel this...feeling..looming. I'm just bland and I need to shake things up a bit.
or as Morrissey would put it:
"I am sick and I am dull and I am plain
How dearly I'd love to get carried away...."
I need to do something.
but nothing gets in the way of something
nothing..get lost..lol
and now we'll have lost and nothing and we can throw a party and forget for a bit.
what?
joking.
"you're as young as the last time you changed your mind" - Timothy Leary
or as Morrissey would put it:
"I am sick and I am dull and I am plain
How dearly I'd love to get carried away...."
I need to do something.
but nothing gets in the way of something
nothing..get lost..lol
and now we'll have lost and nothing and we can throw a party and forget for a bit.
what?
joking.
"you're as young as the last time you changed your mind" - Timothy Leary
Recently, I've been thinking about how it's too hard to implement things because of x and y and z and his cousin too.
I don't like this kind of thinking because I think it's turning me into a person who is loosing her faith and hope in change and settling down for something that is less than what is deserved.
Now, this of course, is in reference to change on a large scale..
I don't know if certain things will happen, but I support it and I hope it will.
I don't like this kind of thinking because I think it's turning me into a person who is loosing her faith and hope in change and settling down for something that is less than what is deserved.
Now, this of course, is in reference to change on a large scale..
I don't know if certain things will happen, but I support it and I hope it will.
I remember when I was twelve years old and I would cry to the quote "never make someone your everything because once they're gone you're left with nothing".
It's interesting to note how that makes me laugh now.
I think it's impossible to make someone your world.
How can someone be your world when there is so much more going on outside of them?
I guess what they mean is that there isn't. That day in and day out you see the same person and do the same things and feel the same feelings until someone says there is nothing left to feel and they walk out.
isn't that the worst? when relationships turn dull and bland. I think I rather have a relationship end in an argument than have a relationship end dull and blandly. I just feel it's distasteful. I like feeling emotions to their fullest degree.
Most of my relationships have ended dull and blandly, for me anyway. And I don't say that condescendingly, I mean that honestly.
I'm proud of myself for staying home today and deciding to do homework.
^-^
I had a brief amount of fresh air to breathe today with Tim, Jason, Will, and Allyson. It was nice.
an interesting conversation, I think, I really love my friends, but we all seem a bit depressed.
We have happy exteriors.
F:
It's interesting to note how that makes me laugh now.
I think it's impossible to make someone your world.
How can someone be your world when there is so much more going on outside of them?
I guess what they mean is that there isn't. That day in and day out you see the same person and do the same things and feel the same feelings until someone says there is nothing left to feel and they walk out.
isn't that the worst? when relationships turn dull and bland. I think I rather have a relationship end in an argument than have a relationship end dull and blandly. I just feel it's distasteful. I like feeling emotions to their fullest degree.
Most of my relationships have ended dull and blandly, for me anyway. And I don't say that condescendingly, I mean that honestly.
I'm proud of myself for staying home today and deciding to do homework.
^-^
I had a brief amount of fresh air to breathe today with Tim, Jason, Will, and Allyson. It was nice.
an interesting conversation, I think, I really love my friends, but we all seem a bit depressed.
We have happy exteriors.
F:
my soul hurts
F
what do u mean
Ely Barajas
i just wish there was pure bliss that i could indulge myself in
that'd be
nice
consistently..throughout the day
throughout the night
throughout my life
that's what i want
and i feel terrible that i can't have it
and that i have to deal with
the reality of being human
and having to endure
so many things that comes with it and
i don't want to endure these things
that so many people have endured before me
I don't know what's left for me to do except poke at life
I don't know what's left for me to do except poke at life
it's bullshit
everything
school, relationships, jokes, words, putting things into context, land
everything except for animals
but I know I won't feel this way forever
but this is what looms inside of who I am...
I'm constantly searching for an escape
I wish I could take breaks from being who I am and all the emotional/intellectual
involvement/investment that comes along with it and just be nothing for a while. absolutely
nothing.
I've been feeling a bit robotic lately.
everything
school, relationships, jokes, words, putting things into context, land
everything except for animals
but I know I won't feel this way forever
but this is what looms inside of who I am...
I'm constantly searching for an escape
I wish I could take breaks from being who I am and all the emotional/intellectual
involvement/investment that comes along with it and just be nothing for a while. absolutely
nothing.
I've been feeling a bit robotic lately.
what's bothering you?
F:
sacrifices
im tired of suffering
im tired of suffering for people who dont care
im tired of beating myself up for people i dont even know
im tired of being a slave to a being i dont even fully understand
im tired of settingmy dreams aside for someone elses
im hurting a lot
for the first time in so long
ive never felt more lonely nd unappreciated in my life
Ely Barajas
i know what you mean
i mean
not really,
because every situation is different
but i can speculate..and..I've felt this to some degree
and i don't know..it sucks..because we feel bad..but what are we supposed to do?
how do we deal with this? i don't know..
ignore the problem or face it?
F:
we cant ignore it
it gets worse
we cant face it
bc were weak
these days i find myself crying over the pain of strangers
all i see i remember
all i see is pain
i wish i could take that pain away
i wish i could make everyones life better
i wouldnt care if i had to die with it
just knowing people wont feel anything bad anymore
makes it worth it
i wish i could feed the hungry
i wish i could clothe the poor
even if ive never had a home in my life
i wish everyone else could
I love these responses.
(They're talking about Yellow Submarine)
Although The Beatles appear only briefly on screen, they embraced the film in the 60's. They were struck by its captivating story, powerful visual impact and lasting appeal to the songs n this setting: "It's very witty, very clever, and quite trippy" said Paul McCartney (lololol). George Harrison observed, "Heinz was brilliant and I think he deserves the maximum credit. Yellow Submarine is one of those cartoons that is there forever." While Ringo Starr emphasized that "Its the music that matters. The music is the legacy and in this case it's surrounded by the film".
(They're talking about Yellow Submarine)
Although The Beatles appear only briefly on screen, they embraced the film in the 60's. They were struck by its captivating story, powerful visual impact and lasting appeal to the songs n this setting: "It's very witty, very clever, and quite trippy" said Paul McCartney (lololol). George Harrison observed, "Heinz was brilliant and I think he deserves the maximum credit. Yellow Submarine is one of those cartoons that is there forever." While Ringo Starr emphasized that "Its the music that matters. The music is the legacy and in this case it's surrounded by the film".
my favorite paul songs. (so far)
come on..it's a classic.
those transitions..<3
This is probably on top of any other Paul song. I feel as if Paul and I have both interpreted love/felt it in a very similar way, if not the same.
"I only know that when I'm in it..love isn't silly..no love isn't silly at all..."
"some people want to fill the world with silly love songs..and what's wrong with that? I'd like to know.."
"how can I tell you about my loved one?"
A beautiful melody in harmony with a beautiful voice.
a beautiful song for Linda :).
"baby, won't you help me understand?"
"but tonight I just want to stay here and be with you..."
another beautiful song for Linda.
happenings.
I'm being responsible now guys. I just finished my English 1 class. Today, I'm starting English 2. Practicing conquest (on my violin) and working on my portrait of Paul McCartney for art. Once my online class is done, I start P.E online. All of this has to be done in two weeks. I kind of like the pressure and the fact that I have a lot of productive things to do.
Once this is over, I plan on continuing to take classes somewhere for the violin :).
Clara came over today. Her internship is over. Everyone in my family was sad, especially me. She asked if I wanted to see another therapist and I told her that no, I didn't. I just feel as if my feelings are being passed around and I don't like the thought/feeling. I'm going to give another therapist a try though, until she finds a permanent stay in another clinic. She said some interesting things today, as she always does. She told me that I have an all or nothing mentality with people and things. That things are either at their height or they're total shit. This made me laugh because I know how true this is. I have embedded into my mind that my mom is a enemy and so every reaction I make toward her is a negative one. I have to reframe my thinking and realize that even if things aren't rainbows and unicorns, they don't have to be. Things can just be....neutral.
She also said that I had a beautiful family, which is hilarious because I can't tell you the amount of times I've cried thinking I was too nutty for life because of all the things my family has brought unto me. She said it's different when you're an outsider looking in. She said we have a lot of love, even though we do have problems. Hm.
Anyway, this is my brother's profile picture on facebook and I thought it was really cute/funny and so I decided to share it with you guys:
Once this is over, I plan on continuing to take classes somewhere for the violin :).
Clara came over today. Her internship is over. Everyone in my family was sad, especially me. She asked if I wanted to see another therapist and I told her that no, I didn't. I just feel as if my feelings are being passed around and I don't like the thought/feeling. I'm going to give another therapist a try though, until she finds a permanent stay in another clinic. She said some interesting things today, as she always does. She told me that I have an all or nothing mentality with people and things. That things are either at their height or they're total shit. This made me laugh because I know how true this is. I have embedded into my mind that my mom is a enemy and so every reaction I make toward her is a negative one. I have to reframe my thinking and realize that even if things aren't rainbows and unicorns, they don't have to be. Things can just be....neutral.
She also said that I had a beautiful family, which is hilarious because I can't tell you the amount of times I've cried thinking I was too nutty for life because of all the things my family has brought unto me. She said it's different when you're an outsider looking in. She said we have a lot of love, even though we do have problems. Hm.
Anyway, this is my brother's profile picture on facebook and I thought it was really cute/funny and so I decided to share it with you guys:
I really hope they listen to/love The Beatles when they get older. If I could wish one thing for them, it would be that.
I'm excited for lifeeeeeeeee.
I've recently gotten the inspiration to draw a lot more. I think it's because the pen Paul gave me is really nice and because I haven't really had anything to say as of late. I've just been observing and being in the background of things.
In the back of my heart, there is something looming. It's interesting that right off the bat Allyson could feel it, although I never told her she was right until today actually.
I don't know what it is and I don't know how to get to it. It's more of an annoyance than anything, or maybe it's just my lack of knowing how to react to it or maybe deep down I just really want some sort of escape that doesn't exist.
I don't know.
that young paul mccartney
My mum wanted us to speak properly and aspired to speak the Queen's English. One of my most guilty feelings is about picking her up once on how she spoke. She pronounced 'ask' with a long 'a' sound. And I said, 'Oh - "aarsk"! That's "ask", mum,' and I really took the piss out of her. When she died, I remember thinking, 'You asshole, why did you do that? Why did you have to put your mum down?' I think I've just about got over it now, doctor.
My mother's death broke my dad up. That was the worst thing for me, hearing my dad cry. I'd never heard him cry before. It was a terrible blow to the family. You grow up real quick, because you never expect to hear your parents crying. You expect to see women crying, or kids in the playground, or even yourself crying - and you can explain all that. But when it's your dad, then you know something's really wrong and it shakes your faith in everything. But I was determined not to let it affect me. I carried on. I learnt to put a shell around me at that age. There was none of this sitting at home crying - that would be recommended now, but not then.
That became a very big bond between John and me, because he lost his mum early on, too. We both had this emotional turmoil which we had to deal with and, being teenagers, we had to deal with it very quickly. We both understood that something had happened that you couldn't talk about - but we could laugh about it, because each of us had gone through it. It wasn't OK for anyone else. We could both laugh at death - but only on the surface. John went through hell, but young people don't show grief - they'd rather not. Occasionally, once or twice in later years, it would hit in. We'd be sitting around and we'd have a cry together; not often, but it was good.
George Harrison :)
lol I think this one is my favorite.
This picture makes me wonder what Mary thought of him when she found her son looking this handsome...If she could only see him..
:)
This was really nice to read:
"My mum dying when I was fourteen was the big shock in my teenage years. She died of cancer, I learnt later. I didn't know then why she had died.
My mum wanted us to speak properly and aspired to speak the Queen's English. One of my most guilty feelings is about picking her up once on how she spoke. She pronounced 'ask' with a long 'a' sound. And I said, 'Oh - "aarsk"! That's "ask", mum,' and I really took the piss out of her. When she died, I remember thinking, 'You asshole, why did you do that? Why did you have to put your mum down?' I think I've just about got over it now, doctor.
My mother's death broke my dad up. That was the worst thing for me, hearing my dad cry. I'd never heard him cry before. It was a terrible blow to the family. You grow up real quick, because you never expect to hear your parents crying. You expect to see women crying, or kids in the playground, or even yourself crying - and you can explain all that. But when it's your dad, then you know something's really wrong and it shakes your faith in everything. But I was determined not to let it affect me. I carried on. I learnt to put a shell around me at that age. There was none of this sitting at home crying - that would be recommended now, but not then.
That became a very big bond between John and me, because he lost his mum early on, too. We both had this emotional turmoil which we had to deal with and, being teenagers, we had to deal with it very quickly. We both understood that something had happened that you couldn't talk about - but we could laugh about it, because each of us had gone through it. It wasn't OK for anyone else. We could both laugh at death - but only on the surface. John went through hell, but young people don't show grief - they'd rather not. Occasionally, once or twice in later years, it would hit in. We'd be sitting around and we'd have a cry together; not often, but it was good.
Paul McCartney
Anthology"
Anthology"
John :)
lol that grin...
"hi I'm John. I'm cool and collected" lol.
Ringo :)
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