1. eating a mango that is sweet and soft. (just how I like my mangos! I hate it when they are super green. it's all about that yellow)
2. making pizza
3. toby giving me the faces that he does
4. really enjoying the crap out of my food because I am starving and food always seems to be better when you're starving
5. Allyson posting on her BlogSpot some interesting stuff
6. this quote: “Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” - Hunter S. Thompson
7. My allergies clearing up
8. My dad not yelling at me (spoke too soon.)
9. My mom not yelling at me
10. Luis offering me chips
11. Luis and Max asking me to watch TV with them
12. my muscles relaxing
Friday, May 31, 2013
paradise circus
It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm....
we can roll ourselves over cause we're uncomfortable..
ohhhhhh,
the devil makes us sin...
but we like it when we're spinning in his grin
love is like a sin my love...
for the ones that feel it the most..
look at her with her eyes like a flame
we can roll ourselves over cause we're uncomfortable..
ohhhhhh,
the devil makes us sin...
but we like it when we're spinning in his grin
love is like a sin my love...
for the ones that feel it the most..
look at her with her eyes like a flame
"a love like ours...could never die...as long as I have you near me.."
- & I love her
"will i wait a lonely lifetime? if you want me to, I will"
- I will
you were a confused little one, weren't you Paul?
or like i said, everything is insanely contextual..
more observations:
"tell me that you want the kind of things, that money just can't buy" - the beatles
"and everything she wants cost money" - the smiths
- & I love her
"will i wait a lonely lifetime? if you want me to, I will"
- I will
you were a confused little one, weren't you Paul?
or like i said, everything is insanely contextual..
more observations:
"tell me that you want the kind of things, that money just can't buy" - the beatles
"and everything she wants cost money" - the smiths
“Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it. 'Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy.' What a dick! Fuck him, he’s an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t he take off on the ground first? Check it out. You don’t see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south—they fly from the ground, ya moron, quit ruining it for everybody. He’s a moron, he’s dead—good, we lost a moron, fuckin’ celebrate. Wow, I just felt the world get lighter. We lost a moron! I don’t mean to sound cold, or cruel, or vicious, but I am, so that’s the way it comes out. Professional help is being sought. How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy. 'Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves' . . . 'Here's Tom with the weather.”
― Bill Hicks
“I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one
time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass
for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that
isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing
when we realize that we're all one?”
“The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to
go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are.
And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and
chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun,
for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they
begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other
people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't
worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill
those people. Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at
my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This
has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who
try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok …
But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it
any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no
savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and
love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy
guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.
Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride.
Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and
instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the
world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being
excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer,
forever, in peace.”
”
“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all
transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control
again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to
bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it!
Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and
congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America!
You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell
you!”
“The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions”
“I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be
President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked
is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White
House.”
( I really need to read Huckleberry Finn)
“Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.”
- Bill Hicks
HAHAHAHA LOVE THIS. I'm a sucker for Beatle jokes Lol.
“You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do.
And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a
favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all
your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made
all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years
were rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they
let Ringo sing a few tunes.”
― Bill Hicks
― Bill Hicks
“I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.”
― Bill Hicks
― Bill Hicks
You see Tim? I listen. I like it. It's good.
Read this:
"Nothing is either right or wrong but thinking makes it so" - Hamlet
"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. "
-Buddha
Timothy Leary, the prophet of LSD said: “Dali is the only painter of LSD without LSD.” This is normal for one who tries to capture, with the most exacting fury of precision, the imagery of concrete irrationality. On the other hand, nothing in the world bores me more than those who have a habit of telling about their dreams or their hallucinations; not one of them is capable of bringing to life either the one or the other. For, if the eye is a miraculous thing, it is necessary to know how to use it, as I have used mine; it has become a real, soft, and psychedelic camera. I can cause it to make photographic negatives, not of exterior things, but of the visions of my thoughts this, anyone capable of arousing his visions at will is unaware of the sorrow of all daily reality and can give free rein to the paranoiac magic of his own hallucinations. Then why should Dali use drugs when he was has discovered that our world is a world of people with hallucinations, where theories, like that of relativity, add to the three dimensions of space a fourth, which is time, the most surrealist and the most hallucinatory of spatial dimensions.
I have never taken drugs, since I am the drug.
I don’t talk about my hallucinations, I evoke them.
Take me, I am the drug; take me, I am hallucinogenic!
"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. "
-Buddha
Timothy Leary, the prophet of LSD said: “Dali is the only painter of LSD without LSD.” This is normal for one who tries to capture, with the most exacting fury of precision, the imagery of concrete irrationality. On the other hand, nothing in the world bores me more than those who have a habit of telling about their dreams or their hallucinations; not one of them is capable of bringing to life either the one or the other. For, if the eye is a miraculous thing, it is necessary to know how to use it, as I have used mine; it has become a real, soft, and psychedelic camera. I can cause it to make photographic negatives, not of exterior things, but of the visions of my thoughts this, anyone capable of arousing his visions at will is unaware of the sorrow of all daily reality and can give free rein to the paranoiac magic of his own hallucinations. Then why should Dali use drugs when he was has discovered that our world is a world of people with hallucinations, where theories, like that of relativity, add to the three dimensions of space a fourth, which is time, the most surrealist and the most hallucinatory of spatial dimensions.
I have never taken drugs, since I am the drug.
I don’t talk about my hallucinations, I evoke them.
Take me, I am the drug; take me, I am hallucinogenic!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Clara said something interesting today: "it's not about sacrifices, it's about compromise".
Today, on the bus, I thought of my aunt and her relationship with my uncle and this guy I met at Tedx who looked like L the first year I attended it. I thought of how funny it was that my aunt was possessive over my uncle and that seemed to work for them. My aunt would tell him what girls made her uncomfortable and my uncle would have to make a choice: her or the other girl? Of course, he would always choose my aunt, as they are in love and what not, but it's just funny to me because I know the same actions would have pushed me away. And as for L. He was a cool guy. He was kind of weird, but that's how I like my people. He was a bit robotic, but nonethless interesting. I wish he spoke louder. We argued a lot:
"Hello there, I was actually... Feeling sad when I did not receive an email from you yesterday. Hah, but that was only because I suppose I could not help it. Thank you for contacting me, I appreciate it and find it respectful. If you ever would like to make plans, I am always here to contact and you are only a bus ride away. I do not have school today, so I am going to take the time to get some work done and relax. I hope you enjoy school, and do not feel stressed by it.
P.S. I have something to show you, and prove to you that I am actually right about being 400 trillion dollars in debt. According to the CIA: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2187rank.html
I win.
Your teacher was looking at what is known as a "partial economic statistic" which is followed by only the debt ceiling of different ratios; which is actual "debt loss". But this one is the whole amount of available "spending", from which a total debt ceiling is incremented. "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Like I said before, the $14 trillion dollars is calculated differently, it is not out of the whole economy and trading system. So this "clock" is not accurately giving you the full math, I take statistics and can tell the difference, haha. There is a reason, and I am not claiming that this is wrong, I am just telling you they are only sharing what they can calculate using a function for exponential growth systems. There is a lot more debt scenarios from business investments, mortgage fraud, available spending, etc.
I would put my money on what the CIA official website shows you. Hopefully, you scrolled to the bottom of the page and found where we are. That site is government owned and updated regularly. That clock you showed me is linked to a different server that is calculated based on an exponential calculation ratio, which is not actually accurate; it is just a theory based on the variables of time, and factors involving partial influences from the economy. It is basically just a math equation and the calculator uploads the outcomes of that system (math problem) to the site. Show your teacher this site, and he will explain it to you.
I am extremely stressed, I wish I had someone to talk to and be around. It can really get to your head when you are as lonely as I am. Please take care."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We stopped talking because he was a man of his word and I sometimes don't know what my word is. I made him uncomfortable. I didn't care enough.
"The difference between you and me is that I do NOT take things for granted, and everything you did that day actually seemed like something bad might have happened. And yet you casually come to me and brush it off. I was actually terrified Eli, and you do not respect that enough it seems because at the time you should have known how your actions might make someone feel/think."
I was sleeping.
He had an interesting take on woman. He found no pleasure/desire in wanting to engage in any physical activity with them. He told me of his past relationship and how he loved her, but she couldn't be with him because she never felt it and she craved to. He drew a picture of me that I still have (that looks nothing like me), made an orgami crane that I still have and told me I'd be a journalist because I don't know. He also told me that 9/11 was definitely an act of the government and explained pretty thoroughly and convincingly why, but of course I forgot. He wanted to do something in computers. He scored a 29 on the ACT and both his parents died in a car crash. He really loved potatoes. He was very rigid, robotic, but with a kind soul. I was weary of him, but nonetheless intrigued.
I guess I'm thinking about this because I'm wondering who is going to fall in love with him.
It's just funny the way we find someone that compliments us.
Today, on the bus, I thought of my aunt and her relationship with my uncle and this guy I met at Tedx who looked like L the first year I attended it. I thought of how funny it was that my aunt was possessive over my uncle and that seemed to work for them. My aunt would tell him what girls made her uncomfortable and my uncle would have to make a choice: her or the other girl? Of course, he would always choose my aunt, as they are in love and what not, but it's just funny to me because I know the same actions would have pushed me away. And as for L. He was a cool guy. He was kind of weird, but that's how I like my people. He was a bit robotic, but nonethless interesting. I wish he spoke louder. We argued a lot:
"Hello there, I was actually... Feeling sad when I did not receive an email from you yesterday. Hah, but that was only because I suppose I could not help it. Thank you for contacting me, I appreciate it and find it respectful. If you ever would like to make plans, I am always here to contact and you are only a bus ride away. I do not have school today, so I am going to take the time to get some work done and relax. I hope you enjoy school, and do not feel stressed by it.
P.S. I have something to show you, and prove to you that I am actually right about being 400 trillion dollars in debt. According to the CIA: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2187rank.html
I win.
Your teacher was looking at what is known as a "partial economic statistic" which is followed by only the debt ceiling of different ratios; which is actual "debt loss". But this one is the whole amount of available "spending", from which a total debt ceiling is incremented. "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Like I said before, the $14 trillion dollars is calculated differently, it is not out of the whole economy and trading system. So this "clock" is not accurately giving you the full math, I take statistics and can tell the difference, haha. There is a reason, and I am not claiming that this is wrong, I am just telling you they are only sharing what they can calculate using a function for exponential growth systems. There is a lot more debt scenarios from business investments, mortgage fraud, available spending, etc.
I would put my money on what the CIA official website shows you. Hopefully, you scrolled to the bottom of the page and found where we are. That site is government owned and updated regularly. That clock you showed me is linked to a different server that is calculated based on an exponential calculation ratio, which is not actually accurate; it is just a theory based on the variables of time, and factors involving partial influences from the economy. It is basically just a math equation and the calculator uploads the outcomes of that system (math problem) to the site. Show your teacher this site, and he will explain it to you.
I am extremely stressed, I wish I had someone to talk to and be around. It can really get to your head when you are as lonely as I am. Please take care."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We stopped talking because he was a man of his word and I sometimes don't know what my word is. I made him uncomfortable. I didn't care enough.
"The difference between you and me is that I do NOT take things for granted, and everything you did that day actually seemed like something bad might have happened. And yet you casually come to me and brush it off. I was actually terrified Eli, and you do not respect that enough it seems because at the time you should have known how your actions might make someone feel/think."
I was sleeping.
He had an interesting take on woman. He found no pleasure/desire in wanting to engage in any physical activity with them. He told me of his past relationship and how he loved her, but she couldn't be with him because she never felt it and she craved to. He drew a picture of me that I still have (that looks nothing like me), made an orgami crane that I still have and told me I'd be a journalist because I don't know. He also told me that 9/11 was definitely an act of the government and explained pretty thoroughly and convincingly why, but of course I forgot. He wanted to do something in computers. He scored a 29 on the ACT and both his parents died in a car crash. He really loved potatoes. He was very rigid, robotic, but with a kind soul. I was weary of him, but nonetheless intrigued.
I guess I'm thinking about this because I'm wondering who is going to fall in love with him.
It's just funny the way we find someone that compliments us.
it's nice and cozy here.
I'm sitting in Mr.Rutter's room, which fortunately has an open door policy, reading a book he lent me called "For the love of Mike". As the title suggests, it's nice and cozy here. Everyone is gone.
Books I am currently reading:
1.For the love of Mike - Mike Royko
2.Animal Farm (again) - George Orwell
3.Cosmos - Carl Sagan
4.Post Office - Bukowski ! (FUCKIN GREAT. as expected)
I was planning on taking "the picture of dorian gray" from Mr.Rutter's mini library that he has in his classroom & adding it to this list, but I think Mr.Rutter took it.I got so excited when I saw it because I discovered the reference in Ivan Albright's "picture of a Dorian Gray" painting. (of course, I told Mr.Rutter this) I read the story next to the painting at the art institute and it said it was a painting of a man who was once kind, but later became a ruthless businessman. Everything around him is rottening. Ivan Albright's paintings were the only paintings that ever made me stop and think. I mean really think. Interestingly enough, he seems to be following me. And guess who wrote this book? None other than Oscar Wilde.
It's funny to think that both Ivan Albright and I are going to read the same book.
When I first saw the painting, I thought it was about someone he knew.
In a way, it kind of is, but not in the way that I meant.
here is a photo of the painting. I like photography, but sometimes you can never capture what is really there, and what you see diminishes the value of what it really is.
I guess this means I'll just have to buy the book. I can't stop thinking about it.
I told Mr.Rutter that I finally realized what he is. I could never label him as a conservative. That's not what he is. No. He is just..aware.
"I'll take it" lmao.
The next books on my list:
1. The agony and the ecstasy - Ivan Mellville
2. Brave New World - Huxley
3. 1984 (again) - George Orwell
4. As I lay dying - Faulkner
5. The Picture Of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
6. Woman - Bukowski
This is my plan anyway.
"but plans can fall through and so often they do" - The Smiths, Accept Yourself.
I want sleeep.
Books I am currently reading:
1.For the love of Mike - Mike Royko
2.Animal Farm (again) - George Orwell
3.Cosmos - Carl Sagan
4.
I was planning on taking "the picture of dorian gray" from Mr.Rutter's mini library that he has in his classroom & adding it to this list, but I think Mr.Rutter took it.I got so excited when I saw it because I discovered the reference in Ivan Albright's "picture of a Dorian Gray" painting. (of course, I told Mr.Rutter this) I read the story next to the painting at the art institute and it said it was a painting of a man who was once kind, but later became a ruthless businessman. Everything around him is rottening. Ivan Albright's paintings were the only paintings that ever made me stop and think. I mean really think. Interestingly enough, he seems to be following me. And guess who wrote this book? None other than Oscar Wilde.
It's funny to think that both Ivan Albright and I are going to read the same book.
When I first saw the painting, I thought it was about someone he knew.
In a way, it kind of is, but not in the way that I meant.
here is a photo of the painting. I like photography, but sometimes you can never capture what is really there, and what you see diminishes the value of what it really is.
I told Mr.Rutter that I finally realized what he is. I could never label him as a conservative. That's not what he is. No. He is just..aware.
"I'll take it" lmao.
The next books on my list:
1. The agony and the ecstasy - Ivan Mellville
2. Brave New World - Huxley
3. 1984 (again) - George Orwell
4. As I lay dying - Faulkner
5. The Picture Of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
6. Woman - Bukowski
This is my plan anyway.
"but plans can fall through and so often they do" - The Smiths, Accept Yourself.
I want sleeep.
if there was anything ever worth reading on my blog, it would be this.
http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/hueyplongking.htm
It's really long, otherwise I'd post it on here, but a click doesn't take that long, and it's definitely worth it.
I'm a sucker for speeches...
and ideas.
especially good ones..
"it's all in the mind" -george harrison.
It's really long, otherwise I'd post it on here, but a click doesn't take that long, and it's definitely worth it.
I'm a sucker for speeches...
and ideas.
especially good ones..
"it's all in the mind" -george harrison.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
His syncretic teachings emphasise the importance of meditation, awareness, love, celebration, courage, creativity and humour—qualities that he viewed as being suppressed by adherence to static belief systems, religious tradition and socialisation.
(Osho)
Emerson wrote on a number of subjects, never espousing fixed philosophical tenets, but developing certain ideas such as individuality, freedom, the ability for humankind to realize almost anything, and the relationship between the soul and the surrounding world. Emerson's "nature" was more philosophical than naturalistic: "Philosophically considered, the universe is composed of Nature and the Soul."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)
(Osho)
Emerson wrote on a number of subjects, never espousing fixed philosophical tenets, but developing certain ideas such as individuality, freedom, the ability for humankind to realize almost anything, and the relationship between the soul and the surrounding world. Emerson's "nature" was more philosophical than naturalistic: "Philosophically considered, the universe is composed of Nature and the Soul."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson)
I just got back from seeing Clara. This session was particularly a good one because it was just me and my mom. My dad couldn't make it, but I'm glad he couldn't. Clara called me out on a lot of things and I'm glad she did. I'm glad that she shed light on things I failed to see/recognize.
I've always known that my biggest test of who I am is how I act toward the people who matter the most. My mom called me a hypocrite, but despite my actions, I don't agree with it. I still think I'm a good person that is just trying to solve a difficult problem. I think I were a bad person if I decided to give up on it.
1. I become all the things I hate when I am angry.
2. I have to own my feelings. I'm still having trouble understanding exactly what she meant by that. I think she means that if I'm angry I have to be aware of the fact that I control the anger and I have the option of how I choose to express it. I can't make excuses for things.
3. Respect. It's something I value, but somehow can not give my mom. If I were the kind of person I'd want to be, I wouldn't perpetuate the negativity my mom instills on me.
Clara says that I have to focus on my inner peace and stop worrying about giving it to others. It's funny because I thought of Yerika after she said it. Hm.
I think I'm going to apologize to her. No, I am. She deserves it. I just hope she doesn't run away from me.
I guess I have too idealist of expectations for my family and I have to accept the fact that my way of thinking won't necessarily guarantee happiness and they won't adopt it.
I have to accept the fact that my loved ones may not be happy.
Clara always says "you can't control people, but you can control how we react"
Its funny because now that light has been shed onto that idea, it seems silly that I would have ever thought otherwise, but I did.
I thought my mom should raise max and luis a kinder way, but in undermining her authority, I probably made things worse. When this point was brought up, I thought about Allyson and how she said that there were some things her step mom did that she didn't think was right, but she never spoke up because she didn't think it was her place. I remember telling her that I always speak up because maybe they don't know and they should listen.
I didn't realize how offensive it might be to tell a mother to raise her child differently. I honestly thought I was helping, but I guess things just have to happen and be the way they are? Or I guess I can just try to be that different world for them when my mom can't...
to terms with the fact that I won't ever be the daughter she wanted, but that I'm a still pretty cool daughter if she took the time to get to know me and actually talk to me when she isn't obligated to.
I have to come to terms with the fact that she won't be the mom I wanted and make due with what I can.
My mom definitely has some faults of her own, but naming them just seems pointless now.
I'm embarrassed because I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of and it's easy to say I should have done something better once it's over.
I'm definitely not perfect, and I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to be a good person in a way that makes sense.
I'm not going to settle for distance, but for compassion, mutual understanding and compromise.
my problem is that I'm pretty bad with keeping my word on being consistent with something, but hey, you have to start somewhere right?
It's going to be hard, but negative emotions always mask some kind of suffering.
I think it's important to remember that.
My parents are my biggest test. I don't think I can go about living and thinking I'm a good person if I don't pass this.
Have faith in me guys,
Ely.
P.S I don't know why ,but I started thinking of this girl who was the valedictorian of her class and how she was always so rigid and into academics and I was always kind of like...what? I asked my friend about it and he said he thinks its due to lack of a father. I don't know why I'm thinking about this, but I am. Despite everything I've said about academics, I'm really happy for her and I'm really happy she did the things she did for her mom. Like I said guys, everything is insanely contextual.
hm.
this was very comforting:
I've always known that my biggest test of who I am is how I act toward the people who matter the most. My mom called me a hypocrite, but despite my actions, I don't agree with it. I still think I'm a good person that is just trying to solve a difficult problem. I think I were a bad person if I decided to give up on it.
1. I become all the things I hate when I am angry.
2. I have to own my feelings. I'm still having trouble understanding exactly what she meant by that. I think she means that if I'm angry I have to be aware of the fact that I control the anger and I have the option of how I choose to express it. I can't make excuses for things.
3. Respect. It's something I value, but somehow can not give my mom. If I were the kind of person I'd want to be, I wouldn't perpetuate the negativity my mom instills on me.
Clara says that I have to focus on my inner peace and stop worrying about giving it to others. It's funny because I thought of Yerika after she said it. Hm.
I think I'm going to apologize to her. No, I am. She deserves it. I just hope she doesn't run away from me.
I guess I have too idealist of expectations for my family and I have to accept the fact that my way of thinking won't necessarily guarantee happiness and they won't adopt it.
I have to accept the fact that my loved ones may not be happy.
Clara always says "you can't control people, but you can control how we react"
Its funny because now that light has been shed onto that idea, it seems silly that I would have ever thought otherwise, but I did.
I thought my mom should raise max and luis a kinder way, but in undermining her authority, I probably made things worse. When this point was brought up, I thought about Allyson and how she said that there were some things her step mom did that she didn't think was right, but she never spoke up because she didn't think it was her place. I remember telling her that I always speak up because maybe they don't know and they should listen.
I didn't realize how offensive it might be to tell a mother to raise her child differently. I honestly thought I was helping, but I guess things just have to happen and be the way they are? Or I guess I can just try to be that different world for them when my mom can't...
to terms with the fact that I won't ever be the daughter she wanted, but that I'm a still pretty cool daughter if she took the time to get to know me and actually talk to me when she isn't obligated to.
I have to come to terms with the fact that she won't be the mom I wanted and make due with what I can.
My mom definitely has some faults of her own, but naming them just seems pointless now.
I'm embarrassed because I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of and it's easy to say I should have done something better once it's over.
I'm definitely not perfect, and I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to be a good person in a way that makes sense.
I'm not going to settle for distance, but for compassion, mutual understanding and compromise.
my problem is that I'm pretty bad with keeping my word on being consistent with something, but hey, you have to start somewhere right?
It's going to be hard, but negative emotions always mask some kind of suffering.
I think it's important to remember that.
My parents are my biggest test. I don't think I can go about living and thinking I'm a good person if I don't pass this.
Have faith in me guys,
Ely.
P.S I don't know why ,but I started thinking of this girl who was the valedictorian of her class and how she was always so rigid and into academics and I was always kind of like...what? I asked my friend about it and he said he thinks its due to lack of a father. I don't know why I'm thinking about this, but I am. Despite everything I've said about academics, I'm really happy for her and I'm really happy she did the things she did for her mom. Like I said guys, everything is insanely contextual.
hm.
this was very comforting:
all the lonely people, where do they all come from?
all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
one of my favorite tracks off the album love:
all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
one of my favorite tracks off the album love:
I finally realized what I want to tattoo the day of Allyson's birthday along with the Paul McCartney signature:
"love thy crooked neighbor with thy crooked heart"
"love thy crooked neighbor with thy crooked heart"
my little brothers are reading now.
Books I've read and books I haven't.
Coincidentally, their grades have gone up.
Luis just got three books on black holes. I'm excited to read one with him.
They like the library now.
Growing up, I thought I never had the support that I wanted.
My dad never took me out the museums, never told me about famous painters, musicians, anything like that.
But he always bought me books. Anyone I wanted. I'm talking any. Sometimes he'd spend a hundred dollars because I wanted so many books from that Scholastic book catalog we (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about) used to get when we were younger.
So even though it wasn't the support I wanted, I'm grateful that I had support.
In retrospect, I'm happy that he's who he is and I am who I am.
I used to get called a book worm and I used to cry.
I got made fun of for being nice the other day and this time I didn't cry.
Coincidentally, their grades have gone up.
Luis just got three books on black holes. I'm excited to read one with him.
They like the library now.
Growing up, I thought I never had the support that I wanted.
My dad never took me out the museums, never told me about famous painters, musicians, anything like that.
But he always bought me books. Anyone I wanted. I'm talking any. Sometimes he'd spend a hundred dollars because I wanted so many books from that Scholastic book catalog we (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about) used to get when we were younger.
So even though it wasn't the support I wanted, I'm grateful that I had support.
In retrospect, I'm happy that he's who he is and I am who I am.
I used to get called a book worm and I used to cry.
I got made fun of for being nice the other day and this time I didn't cry.
it's amazing that what I've been trying to articulate for quite some time can be summed up nicely by Bukowski in a few sentences.
"He has a big cock," said Fay. "He was over the other night and he asked me, 'How would you like to be fucked with a big cock?' and I told him, 'I would rather be fucked with love!'"
I also really liked this:
"I thought the post office was driving me crazy. Now you come along."
decisions..decisions..decisions....
I talked to a teacher about his teachings and he said he wishes the kids listened more. That he has long grown tired of going through bullshit for the sake of nothing. I asked him if he would have liked teaching at a selective enrollment school and he said it would have been a nice change. I told him that ms.bailey used to teach at whitney and she hated it because the kids were so pretentious and every B she assigned as a grade would be questioned by so and sos parents and she just had enough and found more comfort at Schurz, which sucks in it's own way too, but I guess, in her eyes, not as much.
It's interesting you know.
all these heavens and hells seem to follow us in different forms and ways. no matter what, I think, they'll always be there..for everyone. hell knows no boundaries, but it's comforting to know that neither does heaven.
heaven.
hm.
When I was at tedx, this guy who made the #1 harry potter website in the world and got to meet J.K Rowling and do all these things said that he felt like "the luckiest kid in the world"
Now, I'm glad he feels that way, but....
I guess Bukowski can say it better than I can:
"A young black girl walked up. She was well-dressed and seemed pleased with her surroundings. I was happy for her. I would have gone mad with the same job".
I wasn't inspired by most of the Tedx speeches this year. I was just kind of like "good job person" lol. Only a handful did the trick for me and it was people who just talked about their lives and passion and why they feel so passionate about it. I still need to "plant some shit."
My favorite part of Tedx is talking to the people who attend there.
This year, I got to talk to a doctor. I asked him what his idea of success is and he said something that I think will stay with me for a long time "when I do something that feels right. Even when I can't help a patient, I know that I'm doing right."
This doctor helped patients with rare illnesses. Things that less than 1% of the population has and not enough funding goes to because it isn't considered a "worth enough cause" compared to cancer and other big illnesses. Hm.
I also talked to the photographer of Tedx. I needed help figuring out who the cartoonist was, because he was my favorite, and he wasn't on the pamphlet and he told me where I can find out. After he told me, he pointed at my badge, where you list down three interests of yours that a stranger can ask you about, and he said "Bukowski!"
and I said "Bukowski!"
and we talked and he told me about how once he thought he could the next bukowski and how he can't really ever read it anymore because it brings him back to the days of his drug addiction and I told him I was very happy that he had such a great job and how I felt about bukowski and the beatles and he nodded and listened and gave the smile ms.bailey gives me and starting taking photos of me while I talked.
he told me to read Hunter S. Thompson.
I will.
I later realized that that is one of Tim's favorite authors. I knew I had heard it somewhere..
Anyway, I don't know.
I asked another person what their idea of success was and he said "when you reach short and long term goals". I wasn't impressed.
I asked another guy and he said "when I can be living in a small apartment with my cat, making video games." I liked that one.
I asked his friend, a girl, and she said "I don't think I'll ever reach success. I think once I reach success, success will become something new". I liked the answer, but I didn't like it too.
I never eat my lunch when I attend tedx events. It never seems worth wasting that much time.
I have to go now because I have a therapy appointment because I am crazy. I enjoy it though.
"He has a big cock," said Fay. "He was over the other night and he asked me, 'How would you like to be fucked with a big cock?' and I told him, 'I would rather be fucked with love!'"
I also really liked this:
"I thought the post office was driving me crazy. Now you come along."
decisions..decisions..decisions....
I talked to a teacher about his teachings and he said he wishes the kids listened more. That he has long grown tired of going through bullshit for the sake of nothing. I asked him if he would have liked teaching at a selective enrollment school and he said it would have been a nice change. I told him that ms.bailey used to teach at whitney and she hated it because the kids were so pretentious and every B she assigned as a grade would be questioned by so and sos parents and she just had enough and found more comfort at Schurz, which sucks in it's own way too, but I guess, in her eyes, not as much.
It's interesting you know.
all these heavens and hells seem to follow us in different forms and ways. no matter what, I think, they'll always be there..for everyone. hell knows no boundaries, but it's comforting to know that neither does heaven.
heaven.
hm.
When I was at tedx, this guy who made the #1 harry potter website in the world and got to meet J.K Rowling and do all these things said that he felt like "the luckiest kid in the world"
Now, I'm glad he feels that way, but....
I guess Bukowski can say it better than I can:
"A young black girl walked up. She was well-dressed and seemed pleased with her surroundings. I was happy for her. I would have gone mad with the same job".
I wasn't inspired by most of the Tedx speeches this year. I was just kind of like "good job person" lol. Only a handful did the trick for me and it was people who just talked about their lives and passion and why they feel so passionate about it. I still need to "plant some shit."
My favorite part of Tedx is talking to the people who attend there.
This year, I got to talk to a doctor. I asked him what his idea of success is and he said something that I think will stay with me for a long time "when I do something that feels right. Even when I can't help a patient, I know that I'm doing right."
This doctor helped patients with rare illnesses. Things that less than 1% of the population has and not enough funding goes to because it isn't considered a "worth enough cause" compared to cancer and other big illnesses. Hm.
I also talked to the photographer of Tedx. I needed help figuring out who the cartoonist was, because he was my favorite, and he wasn't on the pamphlet and he told me where I can find out. After he told me, he pointed at my badge, where you list down three interests of yours that a stranger can ask you about, and he said "Bukowski!"
and I said "Bukowski!"
and we talked and he told me about how once he thought he could the next bukowski and how he can't really ever read it anymore because it brings him back to the days of his drug addiction and I told him I was very happy that he had such a great job and how I felt about bukowski and the beatles and he nodded and listened and gave the smile ms.bailey gives me and starting taking photos of me while I talked.
he told me to read Hunter S. Thompson.
I will.
I later realized that that is one of Tim's favorite authors. I knew I had heard it somewhere..
Anyway, I don't know.
I asked another person what their idea of success was and he said "when you reach short and long term goals". I wasn't impressed.
I asked another guy and he said "when I can be living in a small apartment with my cat, making video games." I liked that one.
I asked his friend, a girl, and she said "I don't think I'll ever reach success. I think once I reach success, success will become something new". I liked the answer, but I didn't like it too.
I never eat my lunch when I attend tedx events. It never seems worth wasting that much time.
I have to go now because I have a therapy appointment because I am crazy. I enjoy it though.
If I had a girl, I'd name her Marina. It means "of the sea" and I've always loved how it sounded. I also like the name Stella a lot. It means "star". It just sounds like a cool name and I love the interpol song "stella was a diver and she was always down". (My steam roller is named Stellar Stella) Charles Bukowski's daughter is named Marina and Paul's is named Stella. Paul has other offspring's, but I'm not too impressed by their name. Bukowski didn't decide to name his daughter Marina, Fay (the mother) did. It's just interesting to me to have a connection there that isn't very apparent, but it's there.
Marina also happens to be the name of a girl I am very much intrigued by.
If I had a boy, I don't know what I'd name him. Maybe I'd name him Charlie. That means "free man". I don't know though. I can't see myself calling my future son Charlie, but then again I can.
I like thinking about names.
If you were to ask me if I wanted kids, I'd still say no.
Marina also happens to be the name of a girl I am very much intrigued by.
If I had a boy, I don't know what I'd name him. Maybe I'd name him Charlie. That means "free man". I don't know though. I can't see myself calling my future son Charlie, but then again I can.
I like thinking about names.
If you were to ask me if I wanted kids, I'd still say no.
polyamorous relationships.
I'm fine with them, but I don't ever see myself being in one.
I think what I'd like is one person who stimulates my mind soul and body as much as three people would.
I'm not a day tripper; I'm just a trip. Ha.
I think what I'd like is one person who stimulates my mind soul and body as much as three people would.
I'm not a day tripper; I'm just a trip. Ha.
how is it that I can love a band this much?
the amount of happiness they fill me up with leaves me spilling over with tears.
i'm seriously considering getting a portrait of them, because the bond between skin and ink and an idea/memory/love is incredible. at least, to me.
I won't though, because I know myself better than that.
the amount of happiness they fill me up with leaves me spilling over with tears.
i'm seriously considering getting a portrait of them, because the bond between skin and ink and an idea/memory/love is incredible. at least, to me.
I won't though, because I know myself better than that.
jumping through hoops.
if you want to see something really bad, click here:
https://vimeo.com/33460302
I've realized that I like wide hoops more than not so wide hoops lol.
Hm..looking back now I notice that I didn't have as much control as the hoop as I'd like to ( I was still getting to know it lol) and I seemed to be in a rush or constantly thinking what my next move should be. At certain moments, I'm not and I think that's why I like those certain moments.
hey i found it :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8Wy_Umjhbg
lmao andreee.
Lol @ the dramatic sound played at 2:19
it's so nice to see ricardo! I miss debating with him. I miss running love k. that was a fun kritik to run. hahaha. I remember during one of my rebuttals I said something like "love will be embedded in our society as much as fast food restaurants and electronics" lol. the judge smirked and looked amused. I definitely learned a lot on my idea of winning and teamwork from working with Ricardo. Love k introduced me to Bell Hooks and her way of thinking. Yeah....end of nostalgia~
lmao andreee.
Lol @ the dramatic sound played at 2:19
it's so nice to see ricardo! I miss debating with him. I miss running love k. that was a fun kritik to run. hahaha. I remember during one of my rebuttals I said something like "love will be embedded in our society as much as fast food restaurants and electronics" lol. the judge smirked and looked amused. I definitely learned a lot on my idea of winning and teamwork from working with Ricardo. Love k introduced me to Bell Hooks and her way of thinking. Yeah....end of nostalgia~
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The band picked their name in part as a reaction against names they considered fancy and pompous such as Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. In a 1984 interview Morrissey stated that he chose the name The Smiths "...because it was the most ordinary name" and because he thought that it was "...time that the ordinary folk of the world showed their faces
my thoughts unwinding
"and there was the most beautiful silence never heard" - Dinosauria, We. Read it. It's good.
lmao this one is especially funny to me. that was a good day. we got caught lol.
I miss being a certain kind of stupid with Crystal.I keep thinking about how nice the thought of reliving my youth through the eyes of my child sounds. They're absolutely absurd and ridiculous; I love it. I can't wait to play tag with them and read stories where I'm probably listening more than they are and have them listen to my music and listen to the stories they pull out of no where and laugh and have conversations with them because having a limited amount of vocabulary is very interesting. I'm going to get them a hula hoop and give them space except for the times I give them really tight hugs because I know those are the kinds I'm going to give them. I know it won't be all rainbows and unicorns, but that doesn't mean it won't be rainbows and unicorns.
I really love this song.
For Allyson:
The picture on the video was unintentional lol. This song is credited to Lennon/McCartney. It is definitely a Lennon song. He wrote this song for Yoko. Lennon said he hates the song and called it a piece of garbage. Lmao.
change.
I want to play with the word spare change but I don't know how so here I go being honest:
I started thinking about "changing the world" and this kid Leo (that's his name. It's leosomething. I don't know. His sister is really pretty Lol. She was always so nice to me and would call me cutie when I didn't even know her lol. Anyway, he's in the finance video. I'll post it) and his ambition and his want to create an invention that will leave a mark on...the world. I asked myself "what exactly am I changing?"
I don't think I've change the world, but I do think I've changed a world. Every day I've spent with Aaron has been/felt like the first. Well, mostly. We've had some bad times, but I'm not complaining.
That being said..I think I've changed several worlds and I'd like to think for the better. I'd like to think I've made them more harmonious. That's the best way to describe it I think.
I've changed my mom's world. Flipped it upside down. From the gecko, I've hurt her. She almost died giving birth to me. Those age scars or w/e they're called on her face? Me. That weight? Me. I was nine pounds, almost ten, and came into this world smiling. Just kidding. I was wailing my eyes out. (side: my friend's baby came out silent. I am friends with this baby. baby logan!! =] )
But the question here wasn't if I've changed a world, or several, it's if I've changed the world and that my friends is a definite no.
I haven't stirred up the waters one bit.
I'm still undecided to what my move should be.
Change is such an abstract word, thought, and when I go about it I want to be good. It's so hard for change to be good or drastic or immediate.
I guess I'd be okay being a stepping stone for someone. What really matters is that things get done.
I just don't know if things will get done.
Allow me to explain.
Take the ERA for example. This stands for the Equal Rights Amendment. It isan amendment
a proposed amendment that guarantees equal rights to woman . It almost became an amendment but a few decades ago, people decided it was too far fetched of a plan. TOO FAR FETCHED OF A PLAN. My feeling of indignation toward that is another story and right now I want to focus on: change.
So say..I worked my butt off to get this passed and it happens and I taste victory and I create "change". what happens?
change the world: ERA is implemented
change: if a girl sues, it'll probably be easier for her to win the lawsuit
world: equal is an unstable word that some people cannot comprehend or choose to reject. A rule, or piece of paper, mean nothing. At least, in this case. (I'm thinking of the Civils Rights Act. That meant a lot)
I think it'd be cool to be a hard core feminist and fight for change, but I wouldn't want to be criticized for stupid shit like following someone's idea of what feminist is if it doesn't coincide with mine.
I'm still trying to find what I want to invest my heart in whole..heartingly. It's a hard task and a fun one.
I told aaron once that my idea of changing the world would be to help a president that wasn't democratic/republican and that had good ideas get elected and WIN. That's right. Elephants and donkeys, pack your backs. You're leavin the white house and going back to the wild..where you belong! What? Okay. Back. I thought i'd be col if instead of a select few people purchasing America and having a stock in what it should look like ..the people of America could decide. I'm talking the ones without the purchasing power. I want the what America is to stem from the hearts and minds of people and not their wallets.
I don't know If I want that anymore.
I'm grateful for the change some people have bestowed upon us when it comes to dealing with the government. I think that's the hardest kind of change.
I'm thinking of Martin Luther King and Gandhi.
They are living inspirations. Their life is an example.
I want to find something I fully believe in like they did. Where are you thing I can fully believe in? I seem to be skeptical and weary of everything.
I guess maybe I just don't know enough, but that doesn't mean I won't in due time.
You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics. - Charles Bukowski
read this:
http://donhall.blogspot.com/2012/01/all-else-is-grandiose-romanticism-or.html
"small change seems to matter more".
well that's definitely one idea that has its perks and its downfalls just like mostly everything else.
I like the idea of a change occurring from science but it also scares me and let's be realistic here. I'd never major in science.
I think I'm just going to focus on changing the worlds of the people around me and then some. I'm going to try to make their lives as enjoyable as I hope I can. This doesn't mean that I won't try, it just means that I don't have expectations.
I'm scared of thinking too much and not acting and getting caught in a not so fun limbo. Mr.Rychlewski was talking today about how much he hates Hamlet for being so indecisive and drowning his life in his thoughts. I might be part Hamlet guys. I might be part Hamlet.
People who have changed the world:
1. Abraham Lincoln
2. Gandhi
3. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, George Harrison
4. The doors
5. Martin Luther King
6. Buddha
7. Shakesphere
8. Hitler
9. Socrates
10. Albert Einstein
11. Galileo Galilei (my nigga)
12. Oscar Wilde
13. Picasso
14. J.F.K
15. Elvis Presley
16. Bill Gates
17. Steve Jobs
18. Queen Elizabeth
19. Plato
what is real change? that's a question Ill save for another time.
If I could change the world...I'd chose to change it by being a writer. I'd like to make people think. That's all I could really ask for. I hope the thinking would make them kinder people. I hope I'd change them internally. That way, I can reach many worlds, a world, and the world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo4Z-1McXG0
I started thinking about "changing the world" and this kid Leo (that's his name. It's leosomething. I don't know. His sister is really pretty Lol. She was always so nice to me and would call me cutie when I didn't even know her lol. Anyway, he's in the finance video. I'll post it) and his ambition and his want to create an invention that will leave a mark on...the world. I asked myself "what exactly am I changing?"
I don't think I've change the world, but I do think I've changed a world. Every day I've spent with Aaron has been/felt like the first. Well, mostly. We've had some bad times, but I'm not complaining.
That being said..I think I've changed several worlds and I'd like to think for the better. I'd like to think I've made them more harmonious. That's the best way to describe it I think.
I've changed my mom's world. Flipped it upside down. From the gecko, I've hurt her. She almost died giving birth to me. Those age scars or w/e they're called on her face? Me. That weight? Me. I was nine pounds, almost ten, and came into this world smiling. Just kidding. I was wailing my eyes out. (side: my friend's baby came out silent. I am friends with this baby. baby logan!! =] )
But the question here wasn't if I've changed a world, or several, it's if I've changed the world and that my friends is a definite no.
I haven't stirred up the waters one bit.
I'm still undecided to what my move should be.
Change is such an abstract word, thought, and when I go about it I want to be good. It's so hard for change to be good or drastic or immediate.
I guess I'd be okay being a stepping stone for someone. What really matters is that things get done.
I just don't know if things will get done.
Allow me to explain.
Take the ERA for example. This stands for the Equal Rights Amendment. It is
a proposed amendment that guarantees equal rights to woman . It almost became an amendment but a few decades ago, people decided it was too far fetched of a plan. TOO FAR FETCHED OF A PLAN. My feeling of indignation toward that is another story and right now I want to focus on: change.
So say..I worked my butt off to get this passed and it happens and I taste victory and I create "change". what happens?
change the world: ERA is implemented
change: if a girl sues, it'll probably be easier for her to win the lawsuit
world: equal is an unstable word that some people cannot comprehend or choose to reject. A rule, or piece of paper, mean nothing. At least, in this case. (I'm thinking of the Civils Rights Act. That meant a lot)
I think it'd be cool to be a hard core feminist and fight for change, but I wouldn't want to be criticized for stupid shit like following someone's idea of what feminist is if it doesn't coincide with mine.
I'm still trying to find what I want to invest my heart in whole..heartingly. It's a hard task and a fun one.
I told aaron once that my idea of changing the world would be to help a president that wasn't democratic/republican and that had good ideas get elected and WIN. That's right. Elephants and donkeys, pack your backs. You're leavin the white house and going back to the wild..where you belong! What? Okay. Back. I thought i'd be col if instead of a select few people purchasing America and having a stock in what it should look like ..the people of America could decide. I'm talking the ones without the purchasing power. I want the what America is to stem from the hearts and minds of people and not their wallets.
I don't know If I want that anymore.
I'm grateful for the change some people have bestowed upon us when it comes to dealing with the government. I think that's the hardest kind of change.
I'm thinking of Martin Luther King and Gandhi.
They are living inspirations. Their life is an example.
I want to find something I fully believe in like they did. Where are you thing I can fully believe in? I seem to be skeptical and weary of everything.
I guess maybe I just don't know enough, but that doesn't mean I won't in due time.
You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics. - Charles Bukowski
read this:
http://donhall.blogspot.com/2012/01/all-else-is-grandiose-romanticism-or.html
"small change seems to matter more".
well that's definitely one idea that has its perks and its downfalls just like mostly everything else.
"vague political agenda" lmao
I like the idea of a change occurring from science but it also scares me and let's be realistic here. I'd never major in science.
I think I'm just going to focus on changing the worlds of the people around me and then some. I'm going to try to make their lives as enjoyable as I hope I can. This doesn't mean that I won't try, it just means that I don't have expectations.
I'm scared of thinking too much and not acting and getting caught in a not so fun limbo. Mr.Rychlewski was talking today about how much he hates Hamlet for being so indecisive and drowning his life in his thoughts. I might be part Hamlet guys. I might be part Hamlet.
People who have changed the world:
1. Abraham Lincoln
2. Gandhi
3. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, George Harrison
4. The doors
5. Martin Luther King
6. Buddha
7. Shakesphere
8. Hitler
9. Socrates
10. Albert Einstein
11. Galileo Galilei (my nigga)
12. Oscar Wilde
13. Picasso
14. J.F.K
15. Elvis Presley
16. Bill Gates
17. Steve Jobs
18. Queen Elizabeth
19. Plato
what is real change? that's a question Ill save for another time.
If I could change the world...I'd chose to change it by being a writer. I'd like to make people think. That's all I could really ask for. I hope the thinking would make them kinder people. I hope I'd change them internally. That way, I can reach many worlds, a world, and the world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uo4Z-1McXG0
everything is insanely contextual.
out to see what the day brings.
freddy is explaining why he laughs or the purpose behind his laugh or something. lol what.
okay peace out blogspot.
I'm back blogspot and I'm currently listening to this kid tell me why he wants to change the world and how he's going to do it. He thinks Steve Jobs is great. Someone will fall in love with him.
out to see what the day brings.
freddy is explaining why he laughs or the purpose behind his laugh or something. lol what.
okay peace out blogspot.
I'm back blogspot and I'm currently listening to this kid tell me why he wants to change the world and how he's going to do it. He thinks Steve Jobs is great. Someone will fall in love with him.
Behind every great fortune lies a great crime.
I shared that with him and he shared this with me: every man is created equal some just work harder in preseason.
hello I'm ely, and I'm a straight A student.
right right.
i'm thinking about my online classes. more specifacally, I'm think about the times that I felt a sense of dread because I thought I didn't have enough for x college. AP Environmental Science! Throw it in my schedule! I'll gladly throw away hours of my life so I can meet your requirements sto make myself "eligble". Doesn't matter that once I get there hours aren't the only things I'll be throwing away. Yes, that means I'll be throwing papers at teachers. No, I'm joking. I meant throwing away everything I had worked for because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. And that's not a bad or sad thing. It just is. I am being patient and trying to find a medium that I am happy with.
I lost sight of who I was and saw who I wanted to be when I was like that.
The only good thing about it was that my dad was really happy.
But at what cost?
He still gets happy..I think..
Or remember what he said "I don't think about these things".
I don't want to undermine at all the admiration I have for people who are completely good and still manage to find a happy balance between school work and life.
I'll be there soon, I think. I hope. I know.
You can loose your soul anywhere. Not just academics. In my case, it's the one I'm most worried about because..it affects me more than fame lol
This was eerie to read:
Moon Sign for 22 May 1995 12:00:00 CDT:
I admire people who get along with time and responsibilty because they seem to always be hiding from me.
i'm thinking about my online classes. more specifacally, I'm think about the times that I felt a sense of dread because I thought I didn't have enough for x college. AP Environmental Science! Throw it in my schedule! I'll gladly throw away hours of my life so I can meet your requirements sto make myself "eligble". Doesn't matter that once I get there hours aren't the only things I'll be throwing away. Yes, that means I'll be throwing papers at teachers. No, I'm joking. I meant throwing away everything I had worked for because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. And that's not a bad or sad thing. It just is. I am being patient and trying to find a medium that I am happy with.
I lost sight of who I was and saw who I wanted to be when I was like that.
The only good thing about it was that my dad was really happy.
But at what cost?
He still gets happy..I think..
Or remember what he said "I don't think about these things".
I don't want to undermine at all the admiration I have for people who are completely good and still manage to find a happy balance between school work and life.
I'll be there soon, I think. I hope. I know.
You can loose your soul anywhere. Not just academics. In my case, it's the one I'm most worried about because..it affects me more than fame lol
This was eerie to read:
Moon Sign for 22 May 1995 12:00:00 CDT:
Pisces Degree: 16° 04'
People with the Moon in the same degree
Intuitive, imaginative, compassionate, romantic, easily influenced. Likes emotionally rich situations, enjoys being creative. Hates strict rules and discipline.
Sensitivity, changeability, rich imagination - these are the distinguishing features of the Moon in Pisces individuals. They are so perceptible to others' emotions that can be deeply moved by a situation in which someone else would never notice anything special. They try to avoid strict order or rigid rules and prefer to create around them a kind of "creative chaos", as if protesting against requirement to put things on their places.
Rich imagination of the Moon in Pisces helps these people in creative endeavours, but their negative trait can be a lack of reliability and responsibility. They don't know to where and when they will swim away next time - but at least not to a place where they will be required to do something. If they meet an obstacle, the Moon in Pisces people will find a way around. They will never storm or forcefully demand anything. Quietly and softly moving from one situation to another, they will be looking for a place with a cleaner emotional atmosphere.
To release stress, the Moon in Pisces folks might want to stay alone in some romantic surroundings and to day dream. They are able to meditate naturally, to travel in their imagination to a different reality. It may be good for them to live or at least to spend their vacations near a body of water, best of all a sea or an ocean. Even by simply spending a little time at the sea shore they will immediately feel significant relief.
Unfortunately, many of the Moon in Pisces people are prone to smoking and alcohol as a way to get an emotional relief. This might help for a period, but their body is very sensitive to contamination and consequences of such an unnatural relief can be really detrimental.
The Moon in Pisces parents are kind and full of compassion, they are ready to understand and forgive anyone. They like fairy tales even more than their kids and can read them for hours. They will take an active part in development of creative abilities and imagination of their children. But one thing where they are not helpful is in teaching their children how to deal with the real world, how to be responsible and ordered. They have no idea about this themselves.
Rich imagination of the Moon in Pisces helps these people in creative endeavours, but their negative trait can be a lack of reliability and responsibility. They don't know to where and when they will swim away next time - but at least not to a place where they will be required to do something. If they meet an obstacle, the Moon in Pisces people will find a way around. They will never storm or forcefully demand anything. Quietly and softly moving from one situation to another, they will be looking for a place with a cleaner emotional atmosphere.
To release stress, the Moon in Pisces folks might want to stay alone in some romantic surroundings and to day dream. They are able to meditate naturally, to travel in their imagination to a different reality. It may be good for them to live or at least to spend their vacations near a body of water, best of all a sea or an ocean. Even by simply spending a little time at the sea shore they will immediately feel significant relief.
Unfortunately, many of the Moon in Pisces people are prone to smoking and alcohol as a way to get an emotional relief. This might help for a period, but their body is very sensitive to contamination and consequences of such an unnatural relief can be really detrimental.
The Moon in Pisces parents are kind and full of compassion, they are ready to understand and forgive anyone. They like fairy tales even more than their kids and can read them for hours. They will take an active part in development of creative abilities and imagination of their children. But one thing where they are not helpful is in teaching their children how to deal with the real world, how to be responsible and ordered. They have no idea about this themselves.
I admire people who get along with time and responsibilty because they seem to always be hiding from me.
wow. that was so eerie to read. waayy more accurate than Libra.
The only thing I idenitied with that was being diplomatic.
Leo as my rising sign is pretty cool too. It's true. I do dress kind of funkay lol. Today, I got sent to the disciplinary office and Mr.Birdman (?) called my outfit "goofy". lololol. I don't mind though. My brother Abraham always laughs at me too, but I actually love it when he does.
Leo as my rising sign is pretty cool too. It's true. I do dress kind of funkay lol. Today, I got sent to the disciplinary office and Mr.Birdman (?) called my outfit "goofy". lololol. I don't mind though. My brother Abraham always laughs at me too, but I actually love it when he does.
we're composed of a universe.
horoscopes are interesting and i don't regret ever getting into them. i'm pretty much reading about peoples views on life and motives for doing things and even if it doesn't neccessarily link with one sign it will with a person, you know?
I guess I should just stop trying to predic things, and just trying to understand them.
it's impossible to be spot-on because we're not just one sign, we're many. we're one sign in seconds and another once its passed.
Tattoos:
There are people who are not going to like your tattoos and there are people who are going to understand them.
There are people who are not going to like your tattoos and there are people who are going to understand them.
Abraham:
My brother went to EDC. He's always getting tickets for free, that lucky fuck. Lol. He is on a happiness streak. I'm just worried that he'll have so much happiness that there won't be any left. Ecstasy can do that to you. I've never seen him so free though, so full of laughter. He had a severe case of what I like to call the giggles lol. I guess for the first time ever, he went to a real rave. He kept talking about how the people were so nice for no reason..and I'm like "yeah. that's the best part". Raving used to be a whole nother world. Now it still is, but not one I'd like to be in.
My brother said that when he was with Casey he didn't like raving because he would always have to stay by Casey's side. "why are you talking to that girl? where are you going?" I told him "well, that's the price you pay to be in love" and he said "fuck that!" and made a waving gesture as if he were slapping it away.
My brother went to EDC. He's always getting tickets for free, that lucky fuck. Lol. He is on a happiness streak. I'm just worried that he'll have so much happiness that there won't be any left. Ecstasy can do that to you. I've never seen him so free though, so full of laughter. He had a severe case of what I like to call the giggles lol. I guess for the first time ever, he went to a real rave. He kept talking about how the people were so nice for no reason..and I'm like "yeah. that's the best part". Raving used to be a whole nother world. Now it still is, but not one I'd like to be in.
My brother said that when he was with Casey he didn't like raving because he would always have to stay by Casey's side. "why are you talking to that girl? where are you going?" I told him "well, that's the price you pay to be in love" and he said "fuck that!" and made a waving gesture as if he were slapping it away.
He started talking about how much he wanted to get me a birthday present and how he wished he would have taken me to EDC with him. We could have gotten on the rides together. He forgot I was eighteen Lol so he thought I couldn't.
Even if we didn't do any of those things, it means a lot that he wanted to. I could tell he really wanted to. It would have be nice to be out there, rolling face, listening to music, with my awesome brother. Yes, this is how my family bonds. I like to think of us as fun.
Even if we didn't do any of those things, it means a lot that he wanted to. I could tell he really wanted to. It would have be nice to be out there, rolling face, listening to music, with my awesome brother. Yes, this is how my family bonds. I like to think of us as fun.
It's weird that I can love him so much and know he loves me when we really don't do much. I can feel it though. Is that enough? (It comes out sometimes though, you know; at the right moments)
I'm only saying this because I have a half brother/sister that lives in Wisconsin that I never see, kind of like how I never see Abraham, but I don't love them. I don't feel anything. Just...obligation.
Monday, May 27, 2013
I love Allyson and I miss her so much. I can't wait to bring cookies to school tomorrow. Lol. I miss it. Currently making a surprise for her. I know she's going to love it.
Music grows on to me. I can finally hear Elliot Smith. beyond "between the bars". I wonder when I'll be able to enjoy "hail to the theif". hm.
memorial day sale
It was a good day at the thrift store.
(everything was half off! I found a free people shirt! it had a censor lol. It was originally 8 dollars so it only cost me four! I can't believe I found it)
(everything was half off! I found a free people shirt! it had a censor lol. It was originally 8 dollars so it only cost me four! I can't believe I found it)
description of a smile
Mr.Rychlewski (libra): every time I see him smile, I think of the different stages a flower has to go through before it blossoms. It's very whole some, but it takes its time.
Mr.Raimondi (pisces): Quick. Dashing. Charming. Like his cheeks are hugging him. Locked in smile.
Mr.Spence(leo): His smile tells you that he is amused and happy for that moment.
Ms.Bailey(saggitarius): I guess when it comes to her, I don't want to talk about her smile. I'd like to talk about how she looks at me whenever she is really listening. This smile creeps up on her face, like it can't contain itself but it will. Then she gives me this dreamy look, like her souls taking a nice breath of fresh air. I really love it. Ms.Bailey is awesome!! lol. Out of all my teachers, I know we'd probably get along the best.
Mr.Rutter(scorpio): Lol. Mr. Rutter.
earth signs, stay out.
lol just kidding.
I just put their signs in there for a fun fact, really.
lol I wouldn't mind owning this:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/45036377/id-rather-be-reading-bukowski-vinyl?ref=sr_gallery_7&ga_search_query=charles+bukowski&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_page=3&ga_search_type=all
http://www.etsy.com/listing/151397086/charles-bukowski-t-shirt-american?ref=sr_gallery_23&ga_search_query=charles+bukowski&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all
Mr.Raimondi (pisces): Quick. Dashing. Charming. Like his cheeks are hugging him. Locked in smile.
Mr.Spence(leo): His smile tells you that he is amused and happy for that moment.
Ms.Bailey(saggitarius): I guess when it comes to her, I don't want to talk about her smile. I'd like to talk about how she looks at me whenever she is really listening. This smile creeps up on her face, like it can't contain itself but it will. Then she gives me this dreamy look, like her souls taking a nice breath of fresh air. I really love it. Ms.Bailey is awesome!! lol. Out of all my teachers, I know we'd probably get along the best.
Mr.Rutter(scorpio): Lol. Mr. Rutter.
earth signs, stay out.
lol just kidding.
I just put their signs in there for a fun fact, really.
lol I wouldn't mind owning this:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/45036377/id-rather-be-reading-bukowski-vinyl?ref=sr_gallery_7&ga_search_query=charles+bukowski&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_page=3&ga_search_type=all
http://www.etsy.com/listing/151397086/charles-bukowski-t-shirt-american?ref=sr_gallery_23&ga_search_query=charles+bukowski&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=all
I'll always cherish our friendship, even if it's non-existent now.
The argument was really stupid. I just don't really have a tolerance for anyone who tells me how to live my life. Even if they are doing it out of genuine care, they should know me better to know that you can not force anything onto me.
I still love you Yerika. We've had some really good times. I love how strongly I could make you laugh. How much we complimented each other. Of course they were bad times, but they were bad times worth working on and if we didn't, time usually did it for us. I know you're probably off hanging out with Yesenia or some other person you used to not like now so you won't be reading this, but I don't know, it feels good to say it.
I really wish you the best and that you learn to accept yourself whole-heartingly because I feel like that is honestly what got in the way. I think you masked a lot of how you were feeling because you were afraid to seem weak or because emotions turned you off or maybe you were just confused like the rest of us. Weakness is nothing to be ashamed about though. I wish you could have admitted it. I didn't really know how to help you and I'm sorry if you expected more from me than I could give. All I know is that I cared and I still do and I wish you were more honest, direct. I know life wasn't really working on your terms....
Or at least, this is how I looked at it. This is what I saw.
I hope this frame of mind can help you understand why I spoke out in indignation. I thought you were too busy focusing on other peoples problems when you should have been focusing on your own. The dishonesty frustrated me. When I told you the things I told you, I didn't mean to have my problems become yours. I just wanted you to listen and...well, love me.
I'll miss the days of making fun out of nothing and stepphenwolf and D.C and burger bar and driving around for hours aimlessly and the hugs. I'll really miss the hugs. And your sisters! And binky!
But they'll always be here in this heart of mine. I know I won't find them in yours. I wish you didn't throw all them away, although I can understand why you did.
Don't worry. We can make copies lol. Or restore from trash.
I'm sorry that I can get angry. I say dumb things when I'm angry. I try to stay calm but it can be difficult and when it happens, my judgment is clouded. I know you understand this. I'm sorry I'm so inconsistent. This is who I am. I'm sorry I don't do things the right way. My right isn't as clear as yours. And most importantly, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
Perhaps it's best that this happened. "and everybody's got to live their lives..and god knows I've got to live mine.."
Maybe in a few years, I'll see you in Cali. Let's hope time works for us one more..time.
Love always,
Ely.
GEMINI SUN; PISCES MOON; LEO RISING
Sun Sign for 22 May 1995 12:00:00 CDT:
Gemini Degree: 1° 08'
People with the Sun in the same degree
Gemini Degree: 1° 08'
People with the Sun in the same degree
The Sun in the sign of Gemini provides a person with a very flexible and easily adaptable source of energy that is powered by all sorts of information and ideas. Sun-in-Gemini people are very well aware of what is happening around them and are always ready to change their direction anytime something interesting appears nearby.
They like to experience many things, to meet various new people, to see new places, and have, as a result, a life full of events, trips and meetings. Sun-in-Gemini people want to know everything and to be everywhere.
Pisces Degree: 16° 04'
People with the Moon in the same degree
RISING SIGN:
Your Ascendant: 26°35' Leo
Passionate, expressive and willingly over-the-top, you exude a true star quality. A born performer and entertainer, you can be counted on to bring the party vibes to the most staid of situations. The world is your eternal playground. You never lose your youthful optimism or your desire to rock out at concerts in a venue full of teenagers. Costume parties are your favorite. Your own wardrobe may be filled with sequins, metallics, faux furs and Jackie O sunglasses ... and that's just your everyday wear! You're drawn to artists, musicians and anyone who lives life in bold, bright splashes of color. When a leader is needed, you're the first to step in, but you can quickly overburden yourself. Learning to hold back your impulse to take charge is an important lesson. You can be a bit of a praise junkie too, so watch a tendency to place too much of your self-worth in other people's hands. A wild, curly "mane" of hair is a signature trait of the Leo Rising. Don't try to tame it — just streak it purple or dye it a bold henna hue.
interesting!!!!
the sun the moon and the stars all play a different role in who we are.
I love all these signs so I'm pretty happy!
and don't forget. I'm a cusp so I'm a bit Taurusy too. Lmao.
I think it's funny that when I looked up Leo + Gemini compatibility, it said we'd be great parents because we'd relive a second childhood through the eyes of our children.
now that's fucking cool. Of course, I looked up other compatibilities as well, but this particular ..idk compatibility information..stood out to me because I thought it sounded so cool and I'd like to do that with someone one day. Not necessarily a Leo I guess, but if I do end up with a Leo, then okay lol.
Once, Shannon and I passed a really racey looking car and on the license plate it said "LEO FIRE" lol. I thought that was hilarious.
We're composed of a universe guys. It's pretty neat.
They like to experience many things, to meet various new people, to see new places, and have, as a result, a life full of events, trips and meetings. Sun-in-Gemini people want to know everything and to be everywhere.
Moon Sign for 22 May 1995 12:00:00 CDT:
(so much more accurate than Libra. I got the year wrong.)Pisces Degree: 16° 04'
People with the Moon in the same degree
Intuitive, imaginative, compassionate, romantic, easily influenced. Likes emotionally rich situations, enjoys being creative. Hates strict rules and discipline.
Sensitivity, changeability, rich imagination - these are the distinguishing features of the Moon in Pisces individuals. They are so perceptible to others' emotions that can be deeply moved by a situation in which someone else would never notice anything special. They try to avoid strict order or rigid rules and prefer to create around them a kind of "creative chaos", as if protesting against requirement to put things on their places.
Rich imagination of the Moon in Pisces helps these people in creative endeavours, but their negative trait can be a lack of reliability and responsibility. They don't know to where and when they will swim away next time - but at least not to a place where they will be required to do something. If they meet an obstacle, the Moon in Pisces people will find a way around. They will never storm or forcefully demand anything. Quietly and softly moving from one situation to another, they will be looking for a place with a cleaner emotional atmosphere.
To release stress, the Moon in Pisces folks might want to stay alone in some romantic surroundings and to day dream. They are able to meditate naturally, to travel in their imagination to a different reality. It may be good for them to live or at least to spend their vacations near a body of water, best of all a sea or an ocean. Even by simply spending a little time at the sea shore they will immediately feel significant relief.
Unfortunately, many of the Moon in Pisces people are prone to smoking and alcohol as a way to get an emotional relief. This might help for a period, but their body is very sensitive to contamination and consequences of such an unnatural relief can be really detrimental.
The Moon in Pisces parents are kind and full of compassion, they are ready to understand and forgive anyone. They like fairy tales even more than their kids and can read them for hours. They will take an active part in development of creative abilities and imagination of their children. But one thing where they are not helpful is in teaching their children how to deal with the real world, how to be responsible and ordered. They have no idea about this themselves.
Rich imagination of the Moon in Pisces helps these people in creative endeavours, but their negative trait can be a lack of reliability and responsibility. They don't know to where and when they will swim away next time - but at least not to a place where they will be required to do something. If they meet an obstacle, the Moon in Pisces people will find a way around. They will never storm or forcefully demand anything. Quietly and softly moving from one situation to another, they will be looking for a place with a cleaner emotional atmosphere.
To release stress, the Moon in Pisces folks might want to stay alone in some romantic surroundings and to day dream. They are able to meditate naturally, to travel in their imagination to a different reality. It may be good for them to live or at least to spend their vacations near a body of water, best of all a sea or an ocean. Even by simply spending a little time at the sea shore they will immediately feel significant relief.
Unfortunately, many of the Moon in Pisces people are prone to smoking and alcohol as a way to get an emotional relief. This might help for a period, but their body is very sensitive to contamination and consequences of such an unnatural relief can be really detrimental.
The Moon in Pisces parents are kind and full of compassion, they are ready to understand and forgive anyone. They like fairy tales even more than their kids and can read them for hours. They will take an active part in development of creative abilities and imagination of their children. But one thing where they are not helpful is in teaching their children how to deal with the real world, how to be responsible and ordered. They have no idea about this themselves.
RISING SIGN:
Your Ascendant: 26°35' Leo
Passionate, expressive and willingly over-the-top, you exude a true star quality. A born performer and entertainer, you can be counted on to bring the party vibes to the most staid of situations. The world is your eternal playground. You never lose your youthful optimism or your desire to rock out at concerts in a venue full of teenagers. Costume parties are your favorite. Your own wardrobe may be filled with sequins, metallics, faux furs and Jackie O sunglasses ... and that's just your everyday wear! You're drawn to artists, musicians and anyone who lives life in bold, bright splashes of color. When a leader is needed, you're the first to step in, but you can quickly overburden yourself. Learning to hold back your impulse to take charge is an important lesson. You can be a bit of a praise junkie too, so watch a tendency to place too much of your self-worth in other people's hands. A wild, curly "mane" of hair is a signature trait of the Leo Rising. Don't try to tame it — just streak it purple or dye it a bold henna hue.
interesting!!!!
the sun the moon and the stars all play a different role in who we are.
I love all these signs so I'm pretty happy!
and don't forget. I'm a cusp so I'm a bit Taurusy too. Lmao.
I think it's funny that when I looked up Leo + Gemini compatibility, it said we'd be great parents because we'd relive a second childhood through the eyes of our children.
now that's fucking cool. Of course, I looked up other compatibilities as well, but this particular ..idk compatibility information..stood out to me because I thought it sounded so cool and I'd like to do that with someone one day. Not necessarily a Leo I guess, but if I do end up with a Leo, then okay lol.
Once, Shannon and I passed a really racey looking car and on the license plate it said "LEO FIRE" lol. I thought that was hilarious.
We're composed of a universe guys. It's pretty neat.
.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
WTF DID I DREAM ABOUT
it seemed really important until I woke up.
lol.
look it's pedro lmao he's stuck in a box.
lol.
look it's pedro lmao he's stuck in a box.
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