I've always known that my biggest test of who I am is how I act toward the people who matter the most. My mom called me a hypocrite, but despite my actions, I don't agree with it. I still think I'm a good person that is just trying to solve a difficult problem. I think I were a bad person if I decided to give up on it.
1. I become all the things I hate when I am angry.
2. I have to own my feelings. I'm still having trouble understanding exactly what she meant by that. I think she means that if I'm angry I have to be aware of the fact that I control the anger and I have the option of how I choose to express it. I can't make excuses for things.
3. Respect. It's something I value, but somehow can not give my mom. If I were the kind of person I'd want to be, I wouldn't perpetuate the negativity my mom instills on me.
Clara says that I have to focus on my inner peace and stop worrying about giving it to others. It's funny because I thought of Yerika after she said it. Hm.
I think I'm going to apologize to her. No, I am. She deserves it. I just hope she doesn't run away from me.
I guess I have too idealist of expectations for my family and I have to accept the fact that my way of thinking won't necessarily guarantee happiness and they won't adopt it.
I have to accept the fact that my loved ones may not be happy.
Clara always says "you can't control people, but you can control how we react"
Its funny because now that light has been shed onto that idea, it seems silly that I would have ever thought otherwise, but I did.
I thought my mom should raise max and luis a kinder way, but in undermining her authority, I probably made things worse. When this point was brought up, I thought about Allyson and how she said that there were some things her step mom did that she didn't think was right, but she never spoke up because she didn't think it was her place. I remember telling her that I always speak up because maybe they don't know and they should listen.
I didn't realize how offensive it might be to tell a mother to raise her child differently. I honestly thought I was helping, but I guess things just have to happen and be the way they are? Or I guess I can just try to be that different world for them when my mom can't...
to terms with the fact that I won't ever be the daughter she wanted, but that I'm a still pretty cool daughter if she took the time to get to know me and actually talk to me when she isn't obligated to.
I have to come to terms with the fact that she won't be the mom I wanted and make due with what I can.
My mom definitely has some faults of her own, but naming them just seems pointless now.
I'm embarrassed because I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of and it's easy to say I should have done something better once it's over.
I'm definitely not perfect, and I'm not trying to be, I'm just trying to be a good person in a way that makes sense.
I'm not going to settle for distance, but for compassion, mutual understanding and compromise.
my problem is that I'm pretty bad with keeping my word on being consistent with something, but hey, you have to start somewhere right?
It's going to be hard, but negative emotions always mask some kind of suffering.
I think it's important to remember that.
My parents are my biggest test. I don't think I can go about living and thinking I'm a good person if I don't pass this.
Have faith in me guys,
Ely.
P.S I don't know why ,but I started thinking of this girl who was the valedictorian of her class and how she was always so rigid and into academics and I was always kind of like...what? I asked my friend about it and he said he thinks its due to lack of a father. I don't know why I'm thinking about this, but I am. Despite everything I've said about academics, I'm really happy for her and I'm really happy she did the things she did for her mom. Like I said guys, everything is insanely contextual.
hm.
this was very comforting:
No comments:
Post a Comment