I just got back from my first family therapy session. I'm so excited to write about it that I haven't even taken off my shoes, and if you know anything about me, that's quite a big deal. Anyway, it was interesting to finally have a place where we can all feel safe. Where our defenses are put down and we are allowed to feel human. Usually, we feel like soilders fighting for a different cause.
My mom wrote me a letter.
I started crying once I found out she did. The gesture said more than whatever it is she had written. It was really touching. It's weird to think that my mom thinks about me. I know that seems silly, but I guess that can kind of give you some perspective on our relationship.
My dad was kind of just there. As always. Just being supportive. I'm glad Clara told him that he needs to be more in tune with his emotions. That sometimes people need to hear that "it's okay." and not "it's life". We talked about the post of facebook and he said he didn't direct it torwards me and said sorry. I find that hard to believe. I'm just happy he apologized.
I wish that opinion wasn't out there in the world. It makes me feel weird, but I guess some people feel like they're being morally righteous and I admire that. It's not their fault their eyes aren't open, is it?
We're taking baby steps.
Clara has given us homework: to respect one another and to leave the past behind. I told her it felt like it was all business and that made her laugh. She asked if she wanted me to write out a contract. Then I laughed too.
This might seem strange, but someone I always think about when I think about respect is Aaron's mom. She definitely had it and I admire her immesenly for it. I was always so fond of the way she spoke to Aaron. She's very charming. I also love how much you can tell she loves aaron simply by the look she gives him. I hope he can see it. I always loved it when I did.
Truth be told though, she made me anxious. And I think it's because I thought so highly of her. It's silly. There is so much I would have liked to discuss with her, but my anxiety got in the way.
My mom never looks at me like that. she always looks like she's scared. Part of me wants to push her away for even being scared and part of me just wants to hug her and empathize and take away all the pain that's made her this way.
Clara told me that my mom said she never had a good relationship with her mom, my grandma and that her biggest fear was that history would repeat itself. And that it did.
It makes me so sad to hear that because I know my mom could never tell me that and I don't know what this wall we've put up is made of. I don't know how it got there. I don't know when it got there. All I know is that it's time for it to come down. I'm so sick of this.
I was thinking of whether or not accepting our parents is part of accepting ourselves? I still don't know.
At the end of the session, Clara asked us how we felt about certain things. My dad said he felt okay with anything. That he'll do anything he can to make it work. As expected. He does this thing where he kind of pats his hands as if to signify that he's done with a certain thing. In other words, he's ready to move on.
My mom shifted a little bit once it was my turn. I can tell she was nervous. I could tell everyone was apprehensive.
"So ely, how do you feel about it?"
I looked down, because I always look down when I talk about things I'm sensitive about, and I told her I felt "optimistic".
And It felt like the room left out an exhale.
My mom said she was feeling optimistic too.
I'm so happy I'm doing this. Not just for me, but for them, and for my little brothers. I'm glad I'm fixing things.
You know, sometimes I wonder if things are best left to be broken, dysfunctional. I think this is true sometimes, but in my case I can of dig the rainbows and unicorns.

Today, I was called something I've never been called before. An artist. I've been called artistic many times, but never an artist. I guess it's because I don't draw or paint or because I'm seventeen. It felt really good. I can't believe a word can feel that good. Clara called me it. She said I feel emotions more intensely than other people. I guess that's just a nice way of saying I'm hypersensitive. Or maybe hypersensitive is a nice word. Or can be in the right context. I don't know. I'm just happy I got called an artist. She also called me a humanitarian.
I like Clara. I like her a lot.

It's weird to say this, but I miss Marcel. We were close friends for only a breif period of time, but I miss him. He's a cool guy. I guess I miss him because he would read my writing a lot and give me feedback and then start talking about his own thoughts.  I probably won't ever talk to him ever again but that doesn't stop me from missing him. I am OK with the fact that I miss him. It is not a sad kind of missing.

Allyson said she's going to pay for my Bukowski tattoo as a birthday gift. I. am. so. fucking. excited.

It makes me so happy to see all the skateboards. What a beautiful day it is outside. I'm going to skateboard to Wicker Park and finish reading Ham on Rye. I like to do this thing where I tell myself I can't leave a certain spot until I finish a book. I'm just gonna read and maybe fall asleep and wake up to some beautiful creature staring down at me and that beautiful creature just so happens to be the love of my life and i'll push him away and tell him "you're here to soon. let me make some more mistakes first. let me have a bit more fun." and then he'll leave and understand becaues after all, he is the love of my life, and i'll see him become smaller and smaller and eventually even his silhouette dissappears. And I'll smile for myself, because in that moment I am pleased.
or, you know, I'll just chill or whatever.

P.S guys,
I think anger is OK. As long as anger does not resort to violence, it is OK. Anger is a beautiful emotion. It's part of being human. I am not ashamed at the fact that I get angry. In fact, I find it to be pretty funny.


I've been thinking about this today and I think it's absolutely wonderful and brilliant.:
if I couldn't have exactly what I wanted, then I would have nothing. Because to me ,nothing was always better than a false something."

How beautifully put it is. I could never come up with something like this, yet this is how I have felt for the majority of my life. I absolutely adore you Morissey.  Wow.

I think it's funny that Moz looks to the left whenever he is talking about something he is passionate about. I look to the right.
and as you know from above, if it's a sensitive topic, I look down.
we're kind of like dogs. what a compliment. lmfao. ^-^