I like asking Mr.Spence random questions to see, well, his answer. Mostly, I just like getting him to talk.
I always had the feeling that he would be more of a New York kind of person than a California kind of person. I was right.
He said it was mostly because he likes the change of seasons. He said there is too much sunshine in California. It would be unbearable to him. It would be too consistant.
He asked me why I didn't like San Diego and I told him it was because the palm trees were disturbing. I really hate palm trees, guys. and maybe because every day felt like a vacation. I mean, I know it was, but it should at least feel real. I hope that makes sense.
do you want to see something hilarious and really cute? my therapist sent me this:
subject: YOU CAN DO IT!
Ely,
Tomorrow is a big day for you! I know that facing some of your
teachers is not easy or comfortable task but you are brave enough to
do it.
If you think of bell hooks (intentionally uncapitalized) how would she
go about taking control back? You could think of the qualities you
like about her and act as if tomorrow when you talk to your teachers.
Be proud of yourself. You have a lot to offer.
I have a problem with dealing with dissapointment. I rather just avoid it. It's a problem. I'm an idealist. And A mess.
It sucks. but it's kind of cool too.
anyway, I'm re-reading ham on rye. I spent my last period hanging out in the 2nd floor bathroom listening to Charles Bukowski talk about his childhood. I mean, I read it, but I was really listening.
"One of them had David by the collar. He threw him onto a lawn. David stood up. A boy got down behind him on his hands and knees. The other boy shoved him and David fell over backwards. Another boy rolled him over and rubbed his face in the grass. Then they stepped back. David got up again. He didn't make a sound but the tears were rolling down his face. The largest boy walked up to him. "We don't want you in our school, sissy. Get out of our school!" He punched David in the stomach. David bent over and as he did, the boy brought his knee up into David's face. David fell. He had a bloody nose.
.................................
Then we were in front of his house.
"I've got to go now. Goodbye."
"Goodbye, David."
He went in and then I heard his mother's voice. "David!" Look at your knickers and shirt! They're torn and full of grass stains! You do this almost every day! Tell me, why do you do it?
David didn't answer.
"I asked you a question! Why do you do this to your clothes?"
"I can't help it, Mom..."
"You can't help it? You stupid boy!"
I heard her beating him. David began to cry and she beat him harder. I stood on the front lawn and listened. After a while the beating stopped. I could hear David sobbing. Then he stopped.
His mother said, "Now, I want you to practice your violin lesson."
I sat down on the lawn and waitied. Then I heard the violin. It was a very sad violin. I didn't like that way David played. I sat and listened for some time but the music didn't get any better. The shit had hardened inside of me. I no longer felt like shitting. The afternoon light hurt my eye. I felt like vomiting. I got up and walked home."
page 30-31 Ham on Rye
Charles Bukowski
Oscar Wilde says that if a book isn't worth reading more than once, it isn't worth reading at all.
I don't always agree with it, but right now I do.
"and everyone's got to live their life. And god knows I've got to live mine."
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