Okay. So. Here I go.

You know what bothers me? The fact that guys think that their dick size really really matters. You know what bothers me even more? The fact that they are sometimes right. It doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter to me at all. It fustrates me when guys think bigger dick = better sex. They fail to see that what really matters: the intimacy. The expression of love.
Or maybe that's just me...
I know that if the best oral sex "performer?" were to "perform" on me, I wouldn't like it because I'd feel weird and violated and it just wouldn't feel right.
Missionary can feel fucking amazing if you're with the right person.

I have a friend who I only go to for netflix, kisses, and cuddling. It's strange that I have this relationship with him, but I do. It will never grow into anything else. It will never shrink. It can only be paused. I can not stress enough how it will never grow.  We miscommunicate a lot. I just feel like he's a lost lost lost boy with a good heart. Wow, that's a perfect way to describe him.
I love wearing his shirt. and I love that we have this relationship. He knows that it's this way and I know that it's this way, although we never had to say it out loud. I wonder why we can't say it outloud. Recently, it's been paused because I said something I probably shouldn't have and now he is drinking a lot and it makes me uncomfortable to be around him. I liked it better when there were secrets.

I have a friend who completely adores me. Is it weird that I love that? It makes me feel good. I wish it didn't. He's always constantly protecting me and talking to me as if i were some sort of princess. "may I have the honor of sparking you up Tuesday?" (weed princess. lol). I like the fact that he calls me baby and kind of lowers his voice every time he wants to say something serious to me. Why do I feel like I should feel guilty?  Nothing will ever come from this relationship either. Maybe just dissappointment. Why though?...
I don't know.

One time I slept next to Marky and I woke up to him asking me if I were awake. When I nodded, he tried to kiss me. I abruptly woke up and looked at the time. I heard marky saying to his friend "I was just watching Ely sleep". A few minutes later, I was at Aaron's house, having sex with him, probably.
I should probably see him soon because I care about him. Or not. Will that make things worse? *sigh
Marky has liked me for a long time...

Like. What a word. What does it even mean?
I like apples. I like sunday mornings. I like marc. I like marky. I like panda's sense of humor. I like to be alive. I like my mom's cooking.
I guess only the person who is saying it really knows. And sometimes, not even then.

Is it weird that I like the fact that marc is just as dysfunctional as me?


when I hear his voice, I think of: good soul. considerate. loving. charming. capable of genuine laughter.
he digs my dad's mustache.
lmfao.
when i think of allyson's voice, I think of: gentle. furry animals being taken care of. lively in a soft manner.
when i think of yerika's voice, I think of: emotion. feeling. depth.

I really really like voices. They can say so much. I like how people move a lot too.

I really didn't mean to make this about the past relationships/encounters I've had with certain people. I just find it interesting and I can't help what thoughts are bouncing around in my head. I feel a bit consumed, but not really, since I'm not really doing anything.

When I used to work, my favorite thing to do was look at the kind of different people that would come in. Products of life, really.

I used to love complimenting couples. I just love complimenting people in general. It just seems safer when it's a couple.

I wonder how the world looks at me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and make certain gestures and think "this is what everyone sees all the time and this is what I never get to see". I am a daughter, I've been a girlfriend, a girlfriend who someone fell in love with,  a best friend, a "competitor" in someone's eyes..
and I think of all the things that were once said about me and I try to link it to the person but it seems difficult at times and really hard to believe.
I'm pretty happy with who I am, really, It's the whole idea of being human that freaks me out sometimes. And the fact that I'm in a position to judge myself whenever I look at a mirror.

I think my friend Aumi is beautiful and it saddens me that there isn't one photo that I think gives her appearance justice. I like to think of Aumi in movement, not a still shot.

hmm..okay. well goodnight guys.